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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is leaving me.

58 replies

butterflyandbees · 20/11/2022 18:40

I'm new to mumsnet and really need some advice, my husband has told me he wants to leave me because I have not been affectionate enough for the last few years, I am at a loss, I totally love and adore my husband, and show him every day that I love him, maybe not by lots of cuddles, but by being supportive in all he does and telling him how much he means to me. We have been married 16 years, no children after a miscarriage and he was not keen to to have another try.

He won't allow me to be more affectionate now, has pushed me away several times, refuses to discuss getting any counselling and just tells me he is leaving because he is not in love with me. We rarely argue as he admits and have seen eye to eye on most things in life. It is very difficult as he runs a home business and works up to 18 hour days 7 days a week. I have asked him to slow down but he is always angry at me discussing the business. He now wants to sign me over the house and I sign him over the business, I don't want to move as I love the house, but earn very little outside the joint business.

I am totally broken inside, I just don't know where to turn and have no family or emotional support.

OP posts:
Polly271220 · 20/11/2022 18:45

Do not sign anything over!

Qwayserdeyas · 20/11/2022 18:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 20/11/2022 18:51

Sign nothing. Get a solicitor. Take their advice and divorce the pillock. There will be a woman in the background. Men re-write history when there is a new woman.

thefirstmrsrochester · 20/11/2022 18:52

Hugs to you OP, it is devastating.

My ‘dh’ left me 10 weeks ago tomorrow, a mere 6 weeks after our DS had his last chemotherapy session.

Wants to be happy and can’t be happy with me.

He has rewritten history and he is lo longer the man I used to know.

I strongly suspect IW, or someone he would like to be the OW.

We are going to counselling but to be honest I think it’s just tick boxing so he can say that he tried everything (before walking out on me and the family like a selfish bastard).

Do not sign anything over to him.

Men are ultimately selfish (and cheating liars some of them).

DuchessDandelion · 20/11/2022 18:56

Oh hello,hear that siren? It goes off whenever a man tries to fleece his wife.

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING OVER.
DO NOT LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME.
GET A GOOD SOLICITOR.

I'm very sorry you're going through this, op, andi know there's a lot to process and much to grieve, the priority right now is making sure he doesn't screw you out of the marital assets, which is what it sounds like he's trying to do.Flowers

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 20/11/2022 18:59

Tell him to go and fuck himself. If he wants out he can walk out but you sign NOTHING over to him.

CrimboLimbo · 20/11/2022 19:02

Are people not allowed to leave relationships that don’t make them happy?

take legal advice and sign nothing. But if he doesn’t want to be with you any more what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

CrampMcBastard · 20/11/2022 19:50

CrimboLimbo · 20/11/2022 19:02

Are people not allowed to leave relationships that don’t make them happy?

take legal advice and sign nothing. But if he doesn’t want to be with you any more what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah, this really.

I don’t understand the encouragement to look for another woman. It won’t change anything.

Original poster
butterflyandbees · 20/11/2022 19:53

Thank you all for advice and support. I really didn't know he was unhappy as he only ever said I wasn't affectionate enough, previous relationships I was told not to be clingy, so I stepped back as I thought most men didn't like women wanting cuddles and overt displays of affection. I feel I am to blame and he won't allow me the time to make it right. I don't know if OW is involved as he is always at home working. I just want this pain and confusion to go away. We had a lovely holiday booked for xmas and plans for next year, we only made our wills for each other last week at the solicitors, no mention of leaving then.
thefirstmrsrochester I hope your DS is on the road to recovery.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/11/2022 19:56

I don’t understand the encouragement to look for another woman. It won’t change anything.

I agree. No need to look for evidence of an OW. He said he's not in love with the OP... you can't make someone love you. It's over.

See a solicitor and don't sign anything without legal advice.
Get a fair settlement and navigate your life on your own from there.

Don't beg, don't plead. He's checked out.

KateADM · 20/11/2022 20:01

I think the reason to look for evidence of an OW is to mitigate the gaslighting that usually happens when they rewrite history.

OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Agree with everyone not to sign anything over. 💐

gamerchick · 20/11/2022 20:02

Don't do anything until you've spoken to a solicitor OP. Nothing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 20:07

Odd you feel you’re very affectionate and he thinks that’s what’s lacking. Is it a sex incompatibility thing?

I think you have to accept it’s over and despite the wills and plans he’s probably been building towards this for some time while you’ve had it spring on you.

By the time I left my ex I’d been detaching for a year and he should have known it was dead but said he was shocked.

There isn’t necessarily anyone else, MN is obsessed with OW and he may well just be unhappy and having thought about it he’s decided he wants out.

Seek legal advice, don’t engage with him on houses or the business at all until you’ve had advice.

I’m really sorry you’re in pain and dealing with this shock.

Flora73 · 20/11/2022 20:08

I don’t understand the encouragement to look for another woman. It won’t change anything.

In my experience men rarely leave a relationship to be alone. They wild rather maintain their status quo u rip they have someone to move on with. I do appreciate this is a big sweeping statement though.

DirectionToPerfection · 20/11/2022 20:15

By the time I left my ex I’d been detaching for a year and he should have known it was dead but said he was shocked.

Did you actually communicate your feelings during that time? Because if not, of course it's a shock. To blindside someone like that is horrible and it really knocks the other person's self esteem and trust in others going forward.

MermaidEyes · 20/11/2022 20:16

Flora73 · 20/11/2022 20:08

I don’t understand the encouragement to look for another woman. It won’t change anything.

In my experience men rarely leave a relationship to be alone. They wild rather maintain their status quo u rip they have someone to move on with. I do appreciate this is a big sweeping statement though.

I know someone who left his wife, there was no other woman. He'd been unhappy for years whereas her thoughts were if you're married you stay married, unhappy or not. When the kids were old enough he finally left. But no other woman.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 20/11/2022 20:20

Don't sign anything or agree to anything until you've seen a solicitor.

Definitely something a bit fishy here.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2022 20:23

I am very sorry.

Do not sign anything. Pull all your joint financial info and go and see a solicitor.

I am sorry to say it but your husband appears to be planing to shaft you financially. Don’t let him - you can rebuild your life but having some money makes it a lot easier. Broadly speaking everything is likely to be split fairly evenly.

Original poster
butterflyandbees · 20/11/2022 20:29

He always said he had a low sex drive and that has proved to be true, it didn't bother me as I knew from the start and we were not young when we met, it was 2nd marriage for us both. I don't want to lose him but he has checked out from me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 20:30

DirectionToPerfection · 20/11/2022 20:15

By the time I left my ex I’d been detaching for a year and he should have known it was dead but said he was shocked.

Did you actually communicate your feelings during that time? Because if not, of course it's a shock. To blindside someone like that is horrible and it really knocks the other person's self esteem and trust in others going forward.

I’d repeatedly begged him to stop screaming at me, throwing things at me and threatening me. I’d moved out twice after terrifying outbursts and gone back because I hoped things would improve. Not knowing what I now do about not having counselling with an abuser I asked him to go to couples therapy.

I told him I needed a break and was staying with a friend then once I was gone told him I wasn’t going back and wanted a divorce. It wasn’t safe to be so definitive till I didn’t have to go back.

If you ask him, he didn’t have a clue I was unhappy or anything was wrong. He’d apparently asked me to go to counselling (odd as he didn’t think anything was up), I must have been having an affair, I was mentally ill, I left him because his father died etc etc.

People tell themselves all sorts of things. I’m sure OP isn’t anything like my ex but sometimes people just have to leave and it’s as simple as that.

DirectionToPerfection · 20/11/2022 20:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 20:30

I’d repeatedly begged him to stop screaming at me, throwing things at me and threatening me. I’d moved out twice after terrifying outbursts and gone back because I hoped things would improve. Not knowing what I now do about not having counselling with an abuser I asked him to go to couples therapy.

I told him I needed a break and was staying with a friend then once I was gone told him I wasn’t going back and wanted a divorce. It wasn’t safe to be so definitive till I didn’t have to go back.

If you ask him, he didn’t have a clue I was unhappy or anything was wrong. He’d apparently asked me to go to counselling (odd as he didn’t think anything was up), I must have been having an affair, I was mentally ill, I left him because his father died etc etc.

People tell themselves all sorts of things. I’m sure OP isn’t anything like my ex but sometimes people just have to leave and it’s as simple as that.

Show quote history

Well that's a whole other situation and I'm sorry you went through that.

There are people (usually men) who leave their partners completely out of the blue. Of course everyone has the right to end a relationship but to act like everything is normal and then suddenly turn someone's world upside down is appalling.

OP I agree with the others, do not sign anything. Get your own legal advice. You'll be reeling from this for a while but you will be ok. 💐

Crazypaving22 · 21/11/2022 07:14

Why find out it's an affair?

How about risk of a hidden std.

Seriously, of course you should find out if your exclusive sexual relationship with enthusiastic consent has been opened up by a self entitled, selfish prick who is putting your sexual health at risk!

Anyway to OP, I too think this is script, seen it way too many times. And you'd be surprised how cheats operate, very rarely it's it restaurants and hotels! It's much more seedy and work hours specific! Gross!

Crazypaving22 · 21/11/2022 07:14

And don't sign anything....

KangarooKenny · 21/11/2022 07:18

Do not sign or agree to anything. Get a solicitor.
Its ok for him to end it if he wants to, he’s allowed to, you just need to protect yourself financially and take the time to come to terms with it.

RFPO77 · 21/11/2022 07:28

Oh hon I'm sorry but ime men don't just sign over the house unless they're sitting on a big pile of money somewhere they don't want you to have. Don't agree to anything without having a financial audit and following your own solicitors advice. Don't use anyone with a connection to your DH or the business xx