Husband is leaving me.

[butterflyandbees]

I'm new to mumsnet and really need some advice, my husband has told me he wants to leave me because I have not been affectionate enough for the last few years, I am at a loss, I totally love and adore my husband, and show him every day that I love him, maybe not by lots of cuddles, but by being supportive in all he does and telling him how much he means to me. We have been married 16 years, no children after a miscarriage and he was not keen to to have another try.

He won't allow me to be more affectionate now, has pushed me away several times, refuses to discuss getting any counselling and just tells me he is leaving because he is not in love with me. We rarely argue as he admits and have seen eye to eye on most things in life. It is very difficult as he runs a home business and works up to 18 hour days 7 days a week. I have asked him to slow down but he is always angry at me discussing the business. He now wants to sign me over the house and I sign him over the business, I don't want to move as I love the house, but earn very little outside the joint business.

I am totally broken inside, I just don't know where to turn and have no family or emotional support.

Really sorry @butterflyandbees what a shock. Like the pp's have said don't agree to anything until you've seen a solicitor.

Just out of interest, did your DH instigate getting the wills done last week? Seems an odd thing to push on with, if he's checked out. Can't think of any ulterior motive but odd nonetheless 🤔

Cherchez La Femme and take the house off him.

You need to find out if he has squirrelled away profits from the business somewhere - I think you need an accountant (not someone your husband knows) to go through all the books and you need to quietly find out if he has bank accounts or investments that you knew nothing about. Before agreeing to swap the business for the house, you have to establish what both are worth now and what money the business has the potential to generate in future.

It might be that you value the house more and he the business so it seems like a straightforward exchange simplifies matters but go through it all with a solicitor first.
How much involvement do you have in the business - do you know much about day to day running, do you draw an income in your name from it, what does your h pay himself etc, is there any debt?

Totally agree.
Most men would never leave even a bland relationship unless they’ve got another woman waiting.

There’s a thread all about that and whether men are “allowed” to leave. Apparently it’s ok, but as posts here have shown, in real life, it’s not.

Utter bollocks trotted out yet agsin

Op I’m sorry for being grumpy on your thread. It must be horrible for you and hopefully you’ll get much better advice and support from other posters.

I never like to see the whole “he’s awful, must be an affair, take all his money” postered, but I understand how you feel. It will be ok.

Thanks everyone. Today he says he needs to stay in joint house until it is in my name so he can get another mortgage. House is lovely and mortgage is lower than any rent, so I am best to stay here. I have always wanted to foster children and he has said no, so that is a chance to give out all the love and affection and earn enough to keep going.
Business is run from home and small, but has easily paid all the bills, there is an outstanding loan on it that I don't want.

Really all I want is to keep my marriage intact, he is now rewriting the history saying what a terrible wife I have been and saying all the good times were not good. All the notes he wrote tell a different story, but he wants a divorce and wont change his mind.
I am so distraught, I don't have family at all, or even many friends as I am in a rural area and not many people here.

There is definitely OW.

Go and have a chat with a divorce lawyer, pay for it out of joint money.

Women are allowed to leave relationships for any reason...men are not😥

I don't think anyone has suggested he's not allowed to leave the marriage, what people are doing is ensuring the op doesn't hand over joint assets without due process.

Op, you are entitled to fight for your marriage and I'm sure most people would do so in your shoes, but if he's already checked out then I doubt you'll be successful and as painful as it is you'll need to accept the change.

Stay put and get legal advice. Don't agree to anything while you are still reeling and processing.

Sorry you are going through this. I think fighting for a marriage that the other party doesn't want makes them respect you less and resent you. Do take pp's advice and get legal advice and change your recently written will. There's been debate about whether you need to know if there is OW but aside from std issue could it help you accept its over if he's already with someone else?

No one here is saying he can't leave. Or doesn't have a right to end the relationship. Absolutely no one.

Posters are just saying look out for OW as that is a possibility (a lot of his narrative is straight out of the script). You can debate whether it's relevant, I personally think putting someone at risk of a possible hidden std is always relevant and you should be aware it's a possibility if a suspicion is there. If there is OW it can also add clarity and help someone stop blaming themselves for the ending and to stop being gaslit.

How this has got lost in translation I have no idea 🤷‍♀️

@butterflyandbees I know you're in shock and hurting but please don't fight for this man. He's twisting the knife in with his nasty comments and you don't deserve the awful things he's saying to you. Seek legal advice sooner rather than later. Get into individual counselling to shore yourself up and try to grey rock him. Talk finances and nothing else. Withdraw and get some space that'll help you think more clearly.

Redo your will immediately. It's odd he bothered to pay for a new will when he must have known he was leaving.

Do not agree to anything without all the finances disclosed. Its highly suspicious that he is offering you the house in exchange for the business.

Be smart, get good advice and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth from now on. He is no longer your friend, he will not be acting in your best interests. He is no longer in your corner. Only emails from now on to discuss finances, house/business as Whatsapp can be deleted too easily. He may promise you something on Whatsapp, get you to sign something and then the Whatsapp and your proof goes poof! If you are on PAYE on business you may be entitled to redundancy.

So get a good solicitor. Change your will and next of kin (that new will has worried me). Change your pension beneficiary. Get a good accountant to look at the business accounts. Get copies of all financials. Speak to a friend, you need someone to help you through this. Ddont do the pick me dance. Dont beg.

Stay strong, you will do it and maybe able to finally commit to fostering.

OP you can listen to his demands but you do not have to do a thing he says.
From what you have posted I get the idea that he thinks he has the whip hand here.
Go and get advice from a solicitor.
You say it is your second marriage. What did you bring to this one financially? Do not allow him to bully you and confuse you into giving in to his demands, please.

Sorry this is happening to you OP but now isn't the time to fall apart. You have to accept he no longer wishes to be in the marriage (for whatever reason - which he will make your fault - read 'the script). There is most likely an OW involved. Gray rock him, do not beg him to stay with you (keep your dignity - you will be pleased you did further down the line).

See a solicitor ASAP, and good luck .

Thanks everyone, when we met I had my own 3 bed house and worked in pharmacy, he was renting. I think that is why he views the house as mine, the business he has worked on and I help. I keep thinking OW, but how, one car that I mostly use, working 18 hour days from home, would anyone leave a marriage and home for an online only relationship. We are in a tiny village so I would have heard if it was anything local. If he uses car it is to go to post office and is back in timeframe it would take. He just says to me he wants to be on his own. I ask if I have been such a bad wife, but he won't get into any discussion that doesn't go round in an endless circle. To my shame I have done the begging thing as I am really afraid for the future and life without him, as I love him dearly. Speaking to Dr this week about personal counselling and continuing citalopram. I read so many posts from such really strong women here, just wish I was one of them.

OP, it.doesnt matter that you begged once - just don't do it again.

The collective 'we' have been through this. So we speak from experience, however most of us probably didn't act with totally dignity throughout, but wish we did.

You can get through this OP. If this is what he wants then you don't have a choice. You do have a choice in how you act though. Least take control of that.

Just want to give some encouragement to your fostering idea. Great plan. It will be tough but you will get so much out of it and meet a whole range of new people. I am an adoptive mum of 2. It's been hard but oh my it has filled my life and there's not much time to worry about anything else. Good luck for your future. It does not have to be bleak and empty.

He has made his feelings clear that he wants out. He will try to rewrite history to either make it your fault or hide OW ( would anyone leave a marriage and home for an online only relationship. - yes and many have!!).

But do not sign anything. See a solicitor who has extract you from this situation quickly and with everything you are entitled to.

Best of luck moving on. It will get easier when you do.

Agree with this ^^ the OW comments are pointless really, he made his choice & checked out of the relationship and is looking to move on.

in some ways I wish more men would do this rather then stay in unhappy relationships

Thank you for your message, can you please tell me some more about fostering, I live in a lovely area and was thinking of short term fostering and emergency placement so I can give some children a break away and take them out and about. How difficult is the process to allow people to foster.

Regarding divorce and financial settlement

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

Following Form E, parties exchange questionnaires (to get more / missing financial information) and deficiencies (to get missing information).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

See Section 25 for factors the court will take into account when deciding how to distribute assets on a divorce or dissolution
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf
Legislation here www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice should be sought.

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

OP How can he get you to sign over a business that you are involved in when you own the house anyway?

I get a really funny odd feeling about this guy, that everything he has done is in some sort of plan and he was never going to stay with you at all but to use you to further his interests instead. Then to dump you when the time was right for him.
I wonder if he is not in to women at all ?