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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my husband has a man-crush? Or something?

51 replies

FleaCarrierBag · 20/11/2022 08:06

My husband and I work in the same organisation but in different jobs. A man in a senior role (to both of us but with more direct contact with my husband) started about 18 months ago. I'll refer to him as X.
I can recognise X is a good looking man, fit, GSOH etc but his (in my view, but honestly I really think anyone looking in would agree with me) incompetence is laughable.
I've noticed over the last seven or eight months that my husband has quite significant mentionitis about X, who also happens to live roughly in our area. His attention, usually elsewhere, is pricked if I mention I had a meeting with X or my husband shows me emails from him. In a slightly odd twist about five months ago X and I worked very very briefly (literally a couple of emails and one meeting) together (because I specifically identified a dangerous process) and X offered me a job (which I declined). The look on my husband's face when I told him was a mixture of indignation, confusion, embarrassment and jealousy (I think) and he very much supported my decision not to accept the job.
Just last night I mentioned I bumped into X whilst walking the dog and my husband sort of started and almost lept to the window to see if X was still there (despite it having been three hours earlier!). I also had good reason to email X earlier this week on a project but my husband told me not to email him and that he would do it. (Which I ignored but looking back was a weird thing to do).
X seems to have a warm relationship with most people in the organisation and is clearly well liked (why?! He is constantly making errors of judgement, has his foot in his mouth almost permanently, doesn't answer emails unless he wants to etc and I can only think the reason why staff haven't mutinied at this is because they must all fancy him?!)
Is this normal for men? I'm annoyed as I don't get half as much attention to my needs as my husband seems to be giving to X and his requests.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 20/11/2022 08:14

You seem to be very jealous of X.

If you're not happy with your partner, focus on that rather than this poor bloke who gets on with almost everyone bar you. Do you think your partner is gay. Do you crave the respect he is showing for someone else. Is he paying you enough attention? I think you're looking at the wrong aspect of this

WimpoleHat · 20/11/2022 08:16

It sounds like he does! (Change the age and gender and it’s what in Malory Towers speak would be called “a bit of a pash”!). BUT - and I do stress this - it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sexual thing. It may be that if he’s a conventionally attractive (alpha type?) man, your DH aid seeking his approval and wants to be “in his circle”; he wants validation for himself (rather than wanting to do anything sexual with this man). I’m not sure I’m expressing this very well, but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Have you told your DH that you think this man is incompetent, so he knows the rosy view isn’t universal?

Mercedesbenz2022 · 20/11/2022 08:17

No advice , but curious and curiouser , as Alice would say .

is it a man crush ??

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/11/2022 08:18

It does sound like he has a crush on him actually

FleaCarrierBag · 20/11/2022 08:21

Yes I am fairly outspoken to my husband about how incompetent X is whilst citing examples and probably taking the piss a bit. But no sane person when I do this could defend X and my husband is relatively sane, but I can't get away from this weird niggle that for my husband, even a conversation that is negative about X is still an opportunity to talk and think about X.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 20/11/2022 08:21

X is the head a secret ninja organisation plotting to take over the world. You’re the only who doesn’t know. The job is just a cover, hence his incompetence.
X is blackmailing everyone. You’re the only who doesn’t know. The job is just a cover, hence his incompetence.
Your DH has a crush and/ or/ would like to be his friend. Sounds harmlesss.

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 08:22

No of course it’s not normal but you’re writing it like he fancies him and you’re jealous, which quite frankly isn’t normal either. If you think your husband is gay or bisexual and has a thing for this man you’re anonymous, you can come out and say it.

or is the issue you fancy him and your husband is the jealous one and he’s behaving like this as he knows it?

Because you sound equally as obsessed with this man, I mean seriously all the staff fancy him, did you actually write that?

MolliciousIntent · 20/11/2022 08:28

Its a bit weird that you think that this is a crush. To me it sounds more likely that X has a position of influence over your husband's job and your DH is acutely aware of the way in which your interactions with X reflect on his. If my spouse had contact with a senior member of my business Id be super vigilant too!

LindaEllen · 20/11/2022 08:36

WimpoleHat · 20/11/2022 08:16

It sounds like he does! (Change the age and gender and it’s what in Malory Towers speak would be called “a bit of a pash”!). BUT - and I do stress this - it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sexual thing. It may be that if he’s a conventionally attractive (alpha type?) man, your DH aid seeking his approval and wants to be “in his circle”; he wants validation for himself (rather than wanting to do anything sexual with this man). I’m not sure I’m expressing this very well, but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Have you told your DH that you think this man is incompetent, so he knows the rosy view isn’t universal?

Fairly sure nobody ever had 'a bit of a pash' in an Enid Blyton novel!

.. but other than that, I suspect you're right.

FleaCarrierBag · 20/11/2022 08:41

Sorry, I'm supposed to fancy X? Gosh ok. Uhm I might fancy him if he was less like a combination of Arnold Rimmer and Alan Partridge in his personality.
No I didn't write all the staff fancy him in anything other than (obvious) jest or as an explanation of how X gets away with being so incompetent. Perhaps it is jealousy on my part, as I don't command the same affection (from either the other staff or my.own.husband) despite being good at my job.

OP posts:
Honestlyeyeroll · 20/11/2022 08:42

‘Man crush’ is such a homophobic/biphobic thing to say. It’s either a crush or not.

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 09:45

Uhm I might fancy him if he was less like a combination of Arnold Rimmer and Alan Partridge in his personality.

😂

Op, you are a legend.

And it's annoying, even as someone totally unaffected, to hear of someone like him in a senior position... Because people arr such idiots as to promote him and keep him there.

As for your h; could be a non sexual/romantic beta man crush.... Could be .. not.

Anyway no, I've never experienced my h acting like this at all; he can see through people and is not fooled by charisma, position etc. Like you, he'd judge on their competence.

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 09:47

Honestlyeyeroll · 20/11/2022 08:42

‘Man crush’ is such a homophobic/biphobic thing to say. It’s either a crush or not.

What??!!

Girl crush and man crush are commonly used terms to jokingly describe same sex crushes by hetero people.

(Hetero being assumed, who knows what the real story is).

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 09:48

Perhaps it is jealousy on my part, as I don't command the same affection (from either the other staff or my.own.husband) despite being good at my job.

People can be such idiots.

A significant portion of the US population voted in trump; know what I'm sayin.

ShandaLear · 20/11/2022 09:55

Maybe Rimmer Partridge has told your partner that he quite fancies you so he’s on high alert for interactions with you

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 09:56

I feel for you because it must be hard to respect and fancy your h, with him acting like this.

Even without knowing whether your h is secretly bi or gay. Which he might not be, he might just be a "follower".

Mardyface · 20/11/2022 09:57

So weird the lengths people will go to to tell you you're being nuts. The truth is if you think something odd is happening it probably is, but it doesn't have to be something damaging to your relationship.

Have you talked to your DH about this? As in have you described what you see without asking him questions about it (since I doubt his own feelings are clear to him either)? "You always talk about X" "you behave strangely when I talk about X" etc. I'd start there. Or I'd concentrate on making your marriage more satisfying first and then talk about it if that didn't sort things out.

I can also honestly say I would go out of my way not to work at the same company as my H. I think that must exacerbate every annoying feeling you have about your H anyway.

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 10:00

So weird the lengths people will go to to tell you you're being nuts.

This is MN.

No matter what an op posts, there will be some posters along to tell her the sky is not blue.

I'm not sure what they get out of contradicting, undermining, and being derogatory to every poster on here; but clearly it's something v enjoyable, because they do it so predictably.

CallieApricot · 20/11/2022 10:02

It sounds like either a crush or X knows something about your dh that could get him in hot water

Softplayhooray · 20/11/2022 10:06

Etinoxaurus · 20/11/2022 08:21

X is the head a secret ninja organisation plotting to take over the world. You’re the only who doesn’t know. The job is just a cover, hence his incompetence.
X is blackmailing everyone. You’re the only who doesn’t know. The job is just a cover, hence his incompetence.
Your DH has a crush and/ or/ would like to be his friend. Sounds harmlesss.

Why the snarky joke? This guy is incompetent which is relevant as DH can't be trying to forge a relationship because of work reasons. And if he has a crush, why for the love of God would you call that harmless? I'd be mortified as we all would if our partners had a crush on another man or woman.

OP it sounds like he has a crush on him, sexually. Not sure what to do with that, other than keep your eye on it?

gannett · 20/11/2022 10:08

Well why don't you talk to your husband about it? Feeling a non-sexual need to impress/desire to be around a charismatic person is completely normal, I'm sure everyone on this thread has experienced it. Or it could be any of the other plausible work-related explanations PP have suggested. The best way to find out is to actually ask your husband what's up.

Newwardrobe · 20/11/2022 10:15

I'd bring up the email thing where your husband wanted to email X instead you, that's very odd .

Besttobe8001 · 20/11/2022 10:31

LemonDrop22 · 20/11/2022 09:47

What??!!

Girl crush and man crush are commonly used terms to jokingly describe same sex crushes by hetero people.

(Hetero being assumed, who knows what the real story is).

If you have a crush (rather than just admiration or friendship) on someone of a different gender, you're not heterosexual. People don't like to admit they might not be 100% straight because of homophobic attitudes. I think this is what the previous poster was referring to. It's not a man crush, it's just a crush.

silverau · 20/11/2022 10:42

Softplayhooray · 20/11/2022 10:06

Why the snarky joke? This guy is incompetent which is relevant as DH can't be trying to forge a relationship because of work reasons. And if he has a crush, why for the love of God would you call that harmless? I'd be mortified as we all would if our partners had a crush on another man or woman.

OP it sounds like he has a crush on him, sexually. Not sure what to do with that, other than keep your eye on it?

Surely the fact x is his senior matters? I don't think you can say that a crush is the only reason someone might be trying to impress a senior in their organisation and that it cant be anything else.

Hell one of the leadership team at my work gets on my nerves, is incredibly incompetent and i could write a book about the reasons he annoys me. I still have to build and maintain a relationship with him because thats how heirachy works. He has significant influence in how my job performance is seen, and offer me opportunities. X has already offered OP a role, if you were her DH wouldnt you be mindful of him being senior?

I think the examples shown by OP dont give enough of a picture really.
If my dp said they met my senior on a dog walk, id be interested in that and probs look out the window! Id be interested and ask lots of questions if my senior offered my dp a job.

It seems like

silverau · 20/11/2022 10:45

Oops cut myself off their

It seems like lots of people seem to exhibit the same behaviour with X, not just her DP.

OP just cant stand X and feels like people fancying him is the only reason hes still in his job. The reality is that people often work with people they think are incompetent, and schmooze them for their own prospects. I cant imagine the whole office has a crush, its more that theyve probably found that familiar way of working with him is the easiest way to manipulate some whos incompetent

The destest is dripping from OP and i think shes just angry that no one else is standing up to him