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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People on here with no family and friends

57 replies

BoobsAhoy · 20/11/2022 06:35

This seems really common on mumsnet. More than I’d see from my real life experience of colleagues and friends (which I suppose is the point)

how do you get to the point when you have no one around? But obv have a partner.

How did you meet? Did you lose friends because of the relationship / control? Do you not like any of your family ?

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 20/11/2022 09:41

I have family but I am not close to them and don’t really see or speak to them, don’t have any friends, always struggled to make friends, I’m also not in a relationship though but tbh I think finding a relationship is easier than making friends (as an adult anyway!)

JanglyBeads · 20/11/2022 09:43

Not in touch with family always equals past abuse (including neglect) I think.

No friends often equals effects of past or current abuse.

Scandiscrepancy · 20/11/2022 09:50

Not me, but my mum was fairly close to being like this when I was young. She had a difficult relationship with both her parents and ended up moving us two hours away to her husband’s home town where she didn’t know anyone. I don’t think there would have been anyone she could have called in an emergency for childcare until we were a lot older.

SomePosters · 20/11/2022 10:00

Most of one side of my family are jehovahs witnesses. They did not give a flying fuck when my teenage mum was trying to raise me alone and just left her to get on with it.
Now they would quite like to see me (if I make the effort and go to them) but that ship has sunk!

the other side I have never met nor had any contact with. I don’t know if they know I exist.

Also no co-parent here.

I was an only child, raised by a single mum who is now a single mum raising an only child.

As isolating as it can be sometimes I have a better quality of life than many as a decided to stick at 1, never introduce a step parent and to go back to education as my kid got older.

We are a tight crew and although I occasionally feel wistful for a big family I love our quiet, calm home where all the board game pieces are in the box reliably and no one shouts or hits

SomePosters · 20/11/2022 10:01

I have friends but I tend to keep things casual with them. We are all fighting our battles so I don’t ask them to carry my load

gobbyshafto · 20/11/2022 10:05

Curious as to why you're asking? From a perspective of understanding or critical, or to scoff?

I think you lack imagination if you think everyone's life is as pleasant as yours. It can happen for any number of reasons. Bereavement, no siblings, mental health issues like anxiety. Childhood abuse or bullying and difficulty maintaining relationships. Isolation from being a lone parent. Or a combination of many of these things.

gobbyshafto · 20/11/2022 10:07

Also forgot to mention disability.

Aprilx · 20/11/2022 10:10

gobbyshafto · 20/11/2022 10:05

Curious as to why you're asking? From a perspective of understanding or critical, or to scoff?

I think you lack imagination if you think everyone's life is as pleasant as yours. It can happen for any number of reasons. Bereavement, no siblings, mental health issues like anxiety. Childhood abuse or bullying and difficulty maintaining relationships. Isolation from being a lone parent. Or a combination of many of these things.

I was going to answer earlier, but decided not to because I didn’t understand the context or reason for asking. Scoffing seems a likely option.

gobbyshafto · 20/11/2022 10:12

Absolutely. I would discourage anyone else from giving personal answers to this.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 20/11/2022 10:12

I have both family and friends, but not where I live! Function of moving around a bit for work and retiring back to UK after working abroad.

Lillysmamma · 20/11/2022 10:12

Abusive family my side, bullying family DHs side. After experiences like ours you either end up with poor judgement when choosing friends (as you are used to being treated like shit so subconsciously choose people who end up walking all over you), or you can end up struggling to trust people. For us it’s been a combination of both.

Notlivinglife · 20/11/2022 10:14

Friends come and go sadly, it's part of life. I had 1 really close friend (from school). She was my Bridesmaid and God-mother to one of my children but we just drifted over time.
We last saw each other about 4 years ago and are still friends on FB. We just drifted I guess. During covid we messaged about meeting up when it was all over but it hasn't happened.
I don't have the same energy, drive, enthusiasm that I had about going out and socialising. I don't look forward to anything like I used to.
OP you're not weird or unusual, you are who you are. You sound like you are fulfilled in everything that you do.

BarbedButterfly · 20/11/2022 10:45

I do have some family but aren't that close. My dad was abusive and I don't have that much in common with the others so don't really speak that much. As for friends, some of it was moving around a lot and then disability meant I was stuck at home so didn't make new ones. But honestly, I am a super introvert so very happy alone and don't miss friends.

Movinghouseatlast · 20/11/2022 10:49

Moved house. All my friends are a 5 hour plus journey away. Family who cared about me all dead. Hard to make friends at age 50 I have found.

mrsg2019 · 20/11/2022 10:49

I emigrated a year ago and am a stay at home mum to a 1.5 year old who has additional needs. I go to toddler swim lessons and to other group activities to try and meet people but DS is so demanding, I can barely manage him let alone socialise on top. It's so isolating. I'm comforted to know that I'm not the only one Daffodil

Funandgamestill · 20/11/2022 10:57

Dh family are dysfunctional and don’t really bother with each other . We never see any of them . My family is largely the same although I do bother to stay in touch a bit but we aren’t close so I don’t lean on them in any way it’s just polite conversation .
we both had immature friends who liked drama so we dropped them gradually as we grew up and he gets on with his colleagues and I work entirely on my own. Therefore no real opportunity to socialise . We don’t miss it . We are enough for each other .

Fuwari · 20/11/2022 11:08

I have adult DC but little in the way of other family. My parents were abusive. DC’s dad died and he only had his mum, who also died. I don’t have a partner, nor do I want one tbh. I have friends, sort of, I see them occasionally but have no one I could call on if I needed to. It isn’t great but what do you propose I do about it? Your post sounds a bit mean tbh.

WakingUpDistress · 20/11/2022 11:18

how do you get to the point when you have no one around? But obv have a partner.

im surprised you are asking.

i don’t think it’s hard to see how people will have experienced a mix of

  • having dreadful parents/family
  • moved away from ‘home town’
  • parents died young
  • single child so no sibling etc….
As for having friends, I think you need to define what you call a friend. Because I think most people have acquaintances and only a couple of friends if they have any. What it means is that they might have ‘friends’ to go out with etc…. but if shit hit the fan, few people will actually answer and step up. I’ve seen it happening many times when the help needed asked people to get a little bit more effort than just picking up a child at the end if the school day.
WakingUpDistress · 20/11/2022 11:23

Btw I’d also say, don’t assume that because your friends and colleagues are talking about going out with friends, doing this and that with so and so, they are actually reliable friends you can call when you are in the shit.

You’ll find people expect their ‘friends’ to rely on family first and foremost for that.

adiosamigoo · 20/11/2022 11:25

Peanut app
social Media
hobbies

Stabat · 20/11/2022 11:26

The OP is slightly clumsily expressed (and I agree it’s not at all difficult to grasp why some people have no contact with family, or why people are friendless), but I think asking how people have a partner/spouse, yet appear to struggle with forming friendships, is a perfectly valid question. It’s a long time since I was single, but I would have said that in many ways the same skills, mindset, willingness to put yourself out there to look, deal with possible rejection etc were involved.

HilaryBriss · 20/11/2022 11:55

Family wise I've got no children, one brother (separated from his wife, no kids), who I see occasionally and an elderly mum who won't be here much longer. It's not hard to see how people end up with no-one around - its not a case of not liking family, I barely have any.

CovertImage · 20/11/2022 11:57

Not in touch with family always equals past abuse (including neglect) I think.

No friends often equals effects of past or current abuse.

This obviously also applies to an abuser, not just a victim

Geogaddi · 20/11/2022 12:03

My mum is the youngest of 6 and I'm an only child. I am the youngest of 22 cousins and have no relationship with anyone. My parents made a decision to move away from thier family and my dad fell out with his. It's very hard and hurtful as I have no family beyond my parents. However, I'm an adult now but choose not to pursue anything. It sucks.

lollipoprainbow · 20/11/2022 12:03

Small families plus bereavements maybe ? Not everyone is blessed with large families and friends.

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