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Original poster

Religious Family & being Queer

30 replies

DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 02:55

My family is super religious and a few months ago, DS12, told his cousins, (12, 10, and 10) that he had a crush on a boy. Their mom (my SIL) sent me a long letter about how my son is loved, but they don't want their kids to have to carry this "burden." She encouraged me to try to talk my son into his crush just being a feeling of friendship. She also said she was really upset with me for not "warning" her so she could "prepare" her kids.

So this week I was like, well I'm queer too. She responds that she loves me, but being not straight is definitely a sin.

I'm pretty fed up at their bigoted rhetoric at this point and feel like I shouldn't even bother trying to repair the relationship.

I don't know, what do you guys think?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 20/11/2022 03:00

You are right, they are ridiculous.

I'd go low contact with your dsil because I wouldn't want my dcs in regular contact with such ignorant bigotry.

HirplesWithHaggis · 20/11/2022 03:09

.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2022 03:22

Do you really not know? Because I know.

They either STFU or you can't have your DS around these people.

Topseyt123 · 20/11/2022 03:36

Cut contact with them.

Justellingthetruth · 20/11/2022 03:46

@DuchessOfEndor

i would not see them
they are talking utter BS

why waste your time with her being a nasty bigot regardless of whether your son is gay or not.

Fraaahnces · 20/11/2022 03:57

How do you feel knowing that she feels this way about you and your child? How did you feel telling your sister that you were queer,l? Relieved? Anxious? Defiant? All of the things??? Do you think that either of you can have an honest, open relationship with her and be emotionally safe knowing that she will never accept you?

thewolfandthesheep · 20/11/2022 04:00

True love is not conditional. She might have her point of view but she has nothing to say to you about how you parent your kid.

If she really really thought it was a phase why would she cut ties with her nephew ?

This does not make sense. This is hypocrisy at it's best, her advice is to make you tell a lie to your son (in her belief system, she has tossed him in the queer category hence the NC).

I have to say that to me this is not being super religious actually. She should cut contact with every liar, robber, hypocrite and most importantly prideful person she knows.

I do not know a lot of truly super religious person, but rather a lot of person who like to wear the label like a designer brand that does nothing for them, or anyone around them for that matter.

TBH I would not cut contact, she might grow from this experience. All the best OP.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2022 13:56

Id tell her that actually, being gay is NOT a sin in Christianity and she should at least get her facts straight if she wants to be a dick. Endulging in sexual acts with people of the same sex is whats frowned upon in the bible. Not being born gay. Our actions not our desires.

That's probably the best bet for calling out her bs. Probably the best you can hope for is that she winds her neck in a bit.

Though you could also point out that we are all sinners. And ask if she also distances herself from blasphemours? (Not likely as everyone goes 'omg') these days. Point out places where she is a hypocrit.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2022 13:58

Worth noting that blasphemy is also in the 10 comandments. But being gay isn't. So taking the Lords name in vain is clearly 'worse'. Yet im betting she herself has done that at some point or other.

UWhatNow · 20/11/2022 14:04

I’m a Christian and this makes my heart sad.

You don’t say what religion they are but if it’s Christianity then they are not following what Jesus says in a scripture, and the homophobic rhetoric they quote comes from poorly translated aspects of the Bible which relate to warnings against paedophilic practices by grown men which were sinful. Nothing to do with loving and consenting relationships.

Just remind them that God is about love. Then block their toxic influence from your life.

arctica · 20/11/2022 16:19

Tell her where to stuck her letter.

Ponderingwindow · 20/11/2022 16:40

Tell Her you will always be here for her kids if they need support and understanding from someone.

go low-contact. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Just drift away a bit. See her at family events, but don’t make an effort.

When the nieces and nephews are teens, consider telling them directly that you will always be a safe harbor if they need to discuss anything.

basically, who the frack cares what she thinks about you or your child. You know you are living a good life. The people to worry about are your nieces and nephews who might not be perfect little conformists in some way. They might be homosexual, they might have pre-marital sex, they might do all sorts of things that are perfectly normal. Along the way, the they might need some adult guidance and support and they aren’t going to get that from her.

Original poster
DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 17:09

@Ponderingwindow
It makes me so sad to see my nieces and nephews thinking its okay to view the world through such a tiny, bigoted lens. This is how I grew up, plus with a large side of self-loathing for all the ways in which I was failing god.

OP posts:
SnoozyLucy7 · 20/11/2022 17:25

DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 17:09

@Ponderingwindow
It makes me so sad to see my nieces and nephews thinking its okay to view the world through such a tiny, bigoted lens. This is how I grew up, plus with a large side of self-loathing for all the ways in which I was failing god.

It’s very sad but they learnt that hatred from your sister in law, which in turn is just really terrible parenting on her behalf. I would stay away from them, for the sake of your children.

It’s entirely possible than when your nieces and nephews are older they will be able to make up their own minds, to think for themselves, and realise how shitty their mother has been towards you and your children.

Firecarrier · 20/11/2022 17:28

What I think, is that it is coy in the extreme to not know what kind of a response you'd get on this website.

Original poster
DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 17:37

@SnoozyLucy7
This is the same environment I grew up in. The family is upset with me for dropping this bomb on them, but this whole attitude is why I didn't feel safe coming out to them as a teenager.

Originally I was planning on going low contact. It was easier when I didn't know for sure how they viewed me. I don't really want decades more of this righteous disgust with things that are just a part of how I am made.

OP posts:
SnoozyLucy7 · 20/11/2022 19:38

DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 17:37

@SnoozyLucy7
This is the same environment I grew up in. The family is upset with me for dropping this bomb on them, but this whole attitude is why I didn't feel safe coming out to them as a teenager.

Originally I was planning on going low contact. It was easier when I didn't know for sure how they viewed me. I don't really want decades more of this righteous disgust with things that are just a part of how I am made.

That’s awful and it’s not right. But you have one life and you have your kids, you can’t spend the rest of it living by some body else’s messed up religious code - just to placate them, just to make them comfortable. How dare they make you feel like this? How dare they treat you and your children like this? How can they deny the entirety of who you are as a human being because their outdated religion tells them so? You are probably better off without them.

You and your kids deserve happiness, not this darkness that your family are bringing into your life.

Original poster
DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 21:19

@Firecarrier
I was raised as an evangelical Christian in a ultra conservative Christian town. Fighting out of that cult-like brainwashing and religious trauma is really difficult. I was programmed since birth to think the same way. Now that I'm on the other side, I still don't always know what is reasonable and what is abusive.

Hence me coming to a forum for more objective viewpoints.

Happy for you that you always have everything figured out and can spend your free time trolling the internet to mock those who don't though :)

OP posts:
SkinnyFatte · 20/11/2022 21:30

I agree with others, love isn't conditional. It's all, or nothing. If your SiL cannot cope with you, nor you DS being lgbt+ that's her bigoted issue not yours. I feel sorry for her children.

You are entitled to live as a WHOLE PERSON. You do not hide the parts that are unpalatable to a bigot. If she can't cope with that, cut ties.

SkinnyFatte · 20/11/2022 21:35

Also, you aren't failing God. If you still believe in Him, He made you just as he wanted you. He didn't make a mistake. If He did, that makes God fallible, which I understand is not an option in Christianity. You haven't failed ANYONE in fact, you are you. And that's enough.

FleecyBlanketPerson · 20/11/2022 22:34

SkinnyFatte · 20/11/2022 21:35

Also, you aren't failing God. If you still believe in Him, He made you just as he wanted you. He didn't make a mistake. If He did, that makes God fallible, which I understand is not an option in Christianity. You haven't failed ANYONE in fact, you are you. And that's enough.

I despair at people like your SIL:
She also said she was really upset with me for not "warning" her so she could "prepare" her kids.

What? Prepare them for the real world?

FleecyBlanketPerson · 20/11/2022 22:38

Was meant to say, well said SkinnyFatte!

steaval · 20/11/2022 22:40

Firecarrier · 20/11/2022 17:28

What I think, is that it is coy in the extreme to not know what kind of a response you'd get on this website.

What does that mean?

user1471453601 · 20/11/2022 22:42

An extremely committed Christian once told me that God didn't care who you loved, but that you loved.

I'm a committed atheist, but that sounded good to me. I suggest you tell your sil the same

Opaljewel · 20/11/2022 22:50

DuchessOfEndor · 20/11/2022 21:19

@Firecarrier
I was raised as an evangelical Christian in a ultra conservative Christian town. Fighting out of that cult-like brainwashing and religious trauma is really difficult. I was programmed since birth to think the same way. Now that I'm on the other side, I still don't always know what is reasonable and what is abusive.

Hence me coming to a forum for more objective viewpoints.

Happy for you that you always have everything figured out and can spend your free time trolling the internet to mock those who don't though :)

Everyone's a critic!

You're doing your best in the circumstances you have and you have sought help and opinions which is what these forums are for.

Some people are not content until they've kicked someone down. Which is happening more and more on here. It's like the new AIBU.

I hope you find your peace OP. Good luck to you.