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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Walking on eggshells due to husbands moods

50 replies

Mumrunlove · 19/11/2022 22:51

I often come here for a read when things are tough, sometimes knowing others are experiencing similar helps, which is awful as I wouldn't want for anyone to feel this way. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by writing instead of just reading this time around, but perhaps it will help someone else to know they aren't alone if nothing else. So here goes...

My husband's moods are constantly up and down. When he's in a good mood things are genuinely great but when they're not the whole household is effected and we feel like we're walking on eggshells. We have 2 sons who are teenagers now who are more than aware that their dads behaviour is not acceptable. The 3 of us have learned throughout these moods just to get on with our lives and leave him to his sulk. This tends to do the trick eventually but it can last for days where he mopes around sighing loudly, sulking and subtly trying to drag our moods down to his level. It usual ends when I give in and call a truce, ultimately caving to his shitty behaviour and giving him the attention he is craving - I hate that I do this but it makes it easier all round.

He has never physically abused me but he has in the past shouted, sworn and name called. I left him once before for a period of almost 18 months due to this and I must admit that since rekindling around 2 years ago that this behavior has not continued however seems to have been replaced by the moods which are arguably worse.

He constantly tells me I don't give him enough attention and intimacy. We both work full time and have the kids and a house to run so yeah it might not happen as often as he'd like but it's not like it's non existent. To be quite honest I find his behaviour very unattractive so quite often sex couldn't be further from my mind.

When I ask him why he huffs and causes me to walk on egg shells he turns it on me and says it's my lack of affection making him this way. I've tried talking to him about how his moods effect the whole household but it falls on deaf ears and I'm told it's my fault.

Admittedly when we do have sex his moods are always better but I won't have sex to avoid the consequence a huffy man child.

I don't need to be told this isn't normal or right as I'm fully aware of this. I also don't want to leave as I do love him very much and want nothing more than to keep our family together.

I've often thought he may suffer from a mood disorder of some sort but he is a proud man who refuses to admit there may be something he needs to seek help for

OP posts:

Itsonlyagame · 19/11/2022 22:54

It is not normal or right. This describes my ex to a T. I am in the process of leaving.

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 19/11/2022 23:05

@Itsonlyagame I'm sorry to hear you also experienced this. Good for u for taking charge of your future. Leaving is never easy and doing so again will be a last resort for me particularly as financially I'd struggle to do so now

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 19/11/2022 23:08

Why did you return the first time? How old are the boys?

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 19/11/2022 23:15

@JanglyBeads I guess for various reasons. I missed him, I missed our family all being together, I hated having to split time with the kids between us and honestly financially it was tough.

We've been together for 19 years and our 2 kids are 15 and 13 so life without him was very alien to me but I did manage to support myself and I did have some fun times so it wasn't completely awful.

We still spent time together as a family on occasion more for the kids benefits and then covid hit and before I knew it we were spending more time as a unit because it was almost forced upon us.

He promised he'd changed and I suppose he had but as I've said above he's only gone and replaced one bad behaviour with another - I found that out a bit too late or maybe I was just hoping it was true

OP posts:

Chuntypops · 19/11/2022 23:16

What sort of a mood disorder do you think he might have? ADHD can present like this.

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 19/11/2022 23:21

@Chuntypops I'm certainly no expert but I think perhaps ADHD or bi polar. I have mentioned this to him and he admitted that his moods are very up and down and often outwith his control but he refuses to speak to anyone about this and then tells me that if I were more affectionate it would solve everything.
He can be very excitable and loud and the next hour be sitting silently in a sulk, there's never a way of knowing or guessing how you're going to get him.

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 19/11/2022 23:32

You've left for once before and for a very significant amount of time;18 months is a long time.I also imagine it might have been tough as your boys were much younger at what;9&11?

By getting back together with him and it now being two years on he obviously thinks he has license to behave how he wants because you caved and went back therefore he's gotten away with behaving like a prick.

This is no way for you and your boys to live;it's not fair and your household would be a much happier place without him in it.

Your boys at 13&15 are much more independent so things should be easier and whilst I acknowledged that yes it might be tough financially especially right now you have to ask yourself if retaining his income in the household worth what the 3 of you have to live with?

Somewhere out there,one day in the future is a nice bloke who won't treat you this way.You don't tend to hear much about the good men on here as those who are happy tend not to post.

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 19/11/2022 23:49

@thenewduchessoflapland everything you've said is spot on thank you, that last part actually made me cry.
I often kick myself for going back but then on the flip side I think that a marriage is worth fighting for and if he does need help that I should be here to support him through that as I'd hope he'd do for me were the shoe on the other foot.

OP posts:

fleebees · 20/11/2022 00:15

Could you seek support for his mental health and see if that changes anythjng?

Twillow · 20/11/2022 00:21

on the flip side I think that a marriage is worth fighting for and if he does need help that I should be here to support him through that as I'd hope he'd do for me were the shoe on the other foot.

OP, can you imagine a situation where you would behave like this? And if so, do you think you would be aware of how it was affecting the people around you? And would you deny it or refuse to seek any support for it, or blame it on the behavior of the people who loved you?
I think you know the answers.

Jas5mum · 20/11/2022 00:32

Hi
My husband acts similar to this, the smallest thing can set him off then thats it for the rest of the day. I don't walk on eggshells, I say what I think even if it winds him up. Sometimes he just goes upstairs then me and the kids can relax without him.
Its usually food related, the amount of holidays/day trips we've been on that have been ruined due to his food issues!?

I don't have a solution unfortunately but I'd just not pay too much attention to it and just get on with whatever you're doing. Its very childish, sulking. Even my 5yo can see through it. I hope things improve for you

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 20/11/2022 00:37

@Twillow no I can't ever imagine treating someone this way and I certainly would never blame anyone else for my behaviour if I did.
Perhaps I'm nieve or silly to hope it may change. It probably doesn't help that to family and friends I paint a picture that all is rosey out of a mixture of embarrassment and loyalty to him so when things are bad I have no one to turn to and feel very trapped in this situation

OP posts:

IfOnlyOCould · 20/11/2022 00:41

What happens when your kids leave home and it's just you and him?

Also, aren't you worried that your kids will be resentful that they had to put up with him?

Original poster

Mumrunlove · 20/11/2022 00:44

@Jas5mum it's rubbish isn't it but I'm glad you've found a way to make it more manageable.
My hubby seems to become more determined to drag my mood down when I ignore his sulk so it's often difficult but I do my best to get on with my normal life despite this. It's horrible when I'm then blamed for it though and although I'd never admit it to him I'm often left wondering if I could maybe be to blame and should I be more attentive

OP posts:

Twillow · 20/11/2022 00:45

You have my sympathy and understanding. I was in a similar position - these moods erupted out of nowhere and I was frequently blamed for not paying him enough attention. It took me a long time to realise that his moods were his responsibility and I had bent over backwards to be supportive over the years. I ran out of caring. It wasn't helping. He wasn't changing. I had to start caring for myself before whatever was left of my life literally disappeared. I had never disclosed what happened at home like you, but when I finally did I had so much support and love - and it turned out that no-one had ever really liked him!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2022 00:46

What a terrible, terrible shame that you took him back. You must know by now that he will never change. Stop looking for a label for his behaviour, because it simply doesn't matter. He's abusive and that's it, end of story.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 20/11/2022 00:52

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2022 00:46

You literally took the words out of my mouth!

And,@Mumrunlove, this is a terrible model of behaviour for your boys to witness.

You need to leave. Again. And this time don't cave in.

IfOnlyOCould · 20/11/2022 01:07

IfOnlyOCould · 20/11/2022 00:41

What happens when your kids leave home and it's just you and him?

Also, aren't you worried that your kids will be resentful that they had to put up with him?

I'm quoting myself as I'm not sure I was clear! I was asking if you have thought about what happens when you are both retired and he is at home with you all the time? What happens if one of you has health issues? Do you really want to rely on him to look after you or do you wonder what he would be like to have to look after?

I'm guessing with your kids ages you might easily have another 50/60 years left of life.

He won't change.

dizzydizzydizzy · 20/11/2022 01:16

It sounds more like domestic abuse that a mood disorder. Sorry OP.

Whatwherewherewhat · 20/11/2022 07:28

Chuntypops · 19/11/2022 23:16

What sort of a mood disorder do you think he might have? ADHD can present like this.

ADHD does not present like this!!

Maybe a mood disorder but generally it's down to behaving like a prick.

OP I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. I have first hand experience of this behaviour in a relationship I know how soul destroying it is.

Dozycuntlaters · 20/11/2022 07:40

He won't change, ever. It will just get worse.

My DH was like that. When life was good and he had no stress he was the best person in the world. When anything went wrong he was awful and I spent years walking on eggshells. I was forever saying to my son dad is angry, don't make dad cross, don't be too loud as dads not in a good mood. Poor kid!! I left in the end as it wasn't an ideal situation for me or DS and looking back now, I can't believe I didn't leave earlier. To be honest, we get along fine now and I can class him as a mate but every time I see him and he's stressed I thank god I don't have to deal with his moods anymore.

OP, there is nothing 'wrong' medically with your husband, he is just a selfish miserable man. I would leave again for good if I were you, it's a dreadful atmosphere for your boys to grow up in and they will end up thinking it is normal in a relationship and so the cycle will continue.

crystalize · 20/11/2022 08:14

Even if you're not ready to leave yet you can leave him to stew in his own misery for a day or two. Are there relatives you could stay with or could you book a hotel/Airbnb for a few days when he does this?

There's no way you and the boys should be tiptoeing around him when he's in a sulk. Vile manchild.

Maxiedog123 · 20/11/2022 08:22

This isn't a mood disorder, as it's only when things don't go his way!
He's just a garden variety abusive man.

Brigante9 · 20/11/2022 09:37

And your boys are learning this appalling behaviour.

Zanatdy · 20/11/2022 09:43

My ex was (is) like this. He’s naturally loud / chatty so when he’s like this it’s very noticeable. Once he went 6wks without speaking to me as I never ever gave in as it was usually him acting like a child over something minor. He’s not all bad, people who know him as a colleague / friend would not believe me if I told them this about him, he can hide it well when he wants. I thought he’d got better (we still spend time together for the kids. Though this is drawing to a close now they are older, ones gone to Uni) but he recently ignored DS for a whole day on holiday. I went absolutely ballistic with him and told him he needs to get anger management help before he drives his kids away. So proud of my son as he went and gave his dad a hug, he’s absolutely the better person.

Up to you if you want to live like this, I certainly don’t miss walking on egg shells. I doubt it will get better, especially as he’s not willing to seek help. Good luck, it is a horrible way to live and horrible for kids to grow up in that environment in my opinion.

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