Walking on eggshells due to husbands moods

[Mumrunlove]

I often come here for a read when things are tough, sometimes knowing others are experiencing similar helps, which is awful as I wouldn't want for anyone to feel this way. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by writing instead of just reading this time around, but perhaps it will help someone else to know they aren't alone if nothing else. So here goes...

My husband's moods are constantly up and down. When he's in a good mood things are genuinely great but when they're not the whole household is effected and we feel like we're walking on eggshells. We have 2 sons who are teenagers now who are more than aware that their dads behaviour is not acceptable. The 3 of us have learned throughout these moods just to get on with our lives and leave him to his sulk. This tends to do the trick eventually but it can last for days where he mopes around sighing loudly, sulking and subtly trying to drag our moods down to his level. It usual ends when I give in and call a truce, ultimately caving to his shitty behaviour and giving him the attention he is craving - I hate that I do this but it makes it easier all round.

He has never physically abused me but he has in the past shouted, sworn and name called. I left him once before for a period of almost 18 months due to this and I must admit that since rekindling around 2 years ago that this behavior has not continued however seems to have been replaced by the moods which are arguably worse.

He constantly tells me I don't give him enough attention and intimacy. We both work full time and have the kids and a house to run so yeah it might not happen as often as he'd like but it's not like it's non existent. To be quite honest I find his behaviour very unattractive so quite often sex couldn't be further from my mind.

When I ask him why he huffs and causes me to walk on egg shells he turns it on me and says it's my lack of affection making him this way. I've tried talking to him about how his moods effect the whole household but it falls on deaf ears and I'm told it's my fault.

Admittedly when we do have sex his moods are always better but I won't have sex to avoid the consequence a huffy man child.

I don't need to be told this isn't normal or right as I'm fully aware of this. I also don't want to leave as I do love him very much and want nothing more than to keep our family together.

I've often thought he may suffer from a mood disorder of some sort but he is a proud man who refuses to admit there may be something he needs to seek help for

What a shame you can't put your children first and separate op.

I'm so very sad to read about your situation. The saddest part for me was to read that you got back together because you missed him.

Can that possibly be the case, or did you miss some fantasy of how he could be, if he didn't treat you so badly?

I'm afraid it often takes people six or seven goes to actually get away.

I respect your way of not giving in to his moods and as far as possible, ignoring them. However, hisvreaction suggests that he thins it is perfectly acceptable to behave in this way.

He does not appear to be able to work out for himself that less abuse might indeed lead to more 'intimacy'. I hope you find the strength to leave him sooner rather than later.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf ?

There may be things you recognise from your own life.

My dad was like this when I was growing up, I thought it was normal to live in a house where one person's behaviour had to be constantly pandered to and we all had to be on high alert to how he might behave. He was never physically abusive to us, he would shout and swear and throw things, though. It has left me with anxiety as an adult and I'm still scared of him to this day.

My mum had a very good opportunity to leave him at one point and she didn't take it, I think from all the years living with him her confidence and self esteem was rock bottom and I was too young to help her. At that point, I just wanted my parents to stay together! It's only as an adult and when I got married to an even-tempered man that I've realised how wrong life was when I was growing up.

She's had over 50 years of living with a mentally abusive man and will be stuck with him until he dies. Please don't live like that. I would have given anything for my mum to have had a different life.

"I also don't want to leave as I do love him very much and want nothing more than to keep our family together"

What is there to love about such a man?. Do you feel like you're the only one who can take care of him?.

Did you grow up seeing your parents behave similarly towards each other?. Where has your "want to keep our family together" mindset come from?.

You are perhaps confusing love here with your own codependency. He certainly does not love you or his children. Your wish to keep "our family together" is costing you and your children an extremely high price and is a wish also stemming from your own denial (you thinking he has a mood disorder for instance).

What is more accurate here is to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression. And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it.

Who is more important to you here; your abuser or your children?. You also run the very real risk of having your children as adults completely estranged from you because in their eyes you are still putting this man before them. They probably wonder why you went back to him for yet more of the same from him. He has not changed. Many abusive men also like supposedly strong women who answer back as they see that as an additional challenge to bring the woman down.

Doesn’t sound like the abuser thinks the marriage is worth ‘fighting for’, also not seeing what’s loveable about being abused. I know firsthand the damage this man will be doing to your kids.

Adrenaline and cortisol flooding their developing brains, home not feeling safe, feeling they have to protect their mother from the mans stonewalling and moods.

They’re going to need therapy-have you not already started them on it? They’ll have anger issues, they’ll resent both of you for giving them such a bad example of a relationship. Or maybe they’ll simply grow up and emulate the mans behaviour choices. Focus on your poor kids and the damage done to them, and what you want your life to look like once they flee the tense, awful house.

I have been there with my EX H and believe me - you have no idea of how much you lose your real self in a situation like this. It eats away and chips away at you bit by bit. You only realise this when they are no longer in your life. I was convinced I was a total bitch but you know what? It was him .

One of the posts above made me think about my mother and her moods like this when I was growing up - not talking to one of us for weeks at a time ( we all got our turn) and the effect it had on the family as a whole. It's only now I realise how abusive this was and how it has affected me in life.

If you seriously think him ‘changing’ is a thing that is real, at bare minimum the abuser should acknowledge his abuse and understand how damaging it is to his kids and as such, will move out for the years of work he’d need to do to fundamentally change who he is as a person.
-how not to bully women for sex
-how to parent kids you traumatised -the effects of CPTSD on children and it’s lifelong impact
-how not to abuse people

Has he not bothered any of this? Sadly it’s been demonstrated to him that his victims will return to the toxic house.

My grandfather was a sulker . My mother said he would go for days without talking if he was ‘in a mood’. I don’t think it would be unfair to say she hated him, she certainly didn’t have a good word to say for him.

Unfortunately, she had absorbed or adopted or inherited his ways, not to quite the same extent because she lived a less isolated life ( he was a farmer in a remote part of the UK) but my father and I certainly suffered for her silences and terrifying simmering anger. I watch myself really closely to try to stop my own tendencies in that direction, I have had only limited success and it has affected some of my life choices, not for the better.

please , please remove your children from this environment before they see this behaviour as a way of establishing control.

My parents behaved like this, though it was my mother setting the atmosphere. We all suffered the effects of it. My dad should have left her. She had manic depression. It affected my life and relationships, though I am very happily married to a good man now. Don't make the mistake of thinking your kids are unaware.

My STBXH doesn’t have bad moods, but I still had to walk on eggshells in case I triggered his rage. My therapist says it is emotional abuse.

Is he moody and bad tempered with his friends, family and work. Does his boss have to work around his moods?

If this doesn’t get fixed in some way soon, then I’m pretty sure it will kill your love for him eventually. You will want to leave him sooner or later. It may be a year or 10. Take my advice and look to your finances now and work towards being in a better situation for when you do leave.

I think your boys are old enough to have a frank discussion with.

your poor kids having to live this way because of your choices. You know there’s no way this man would take care of you if you were ill

Enough is enough. He will never change. Divorce him. Your DC will understand why. Enjoy your freedom & the rest of your life not walking on eggshells.

No , he has to seek help to change
Op you cannot change him
He puts everything on you
You left
He "changed"
You went back
He is the same
Your dc will leave and stay away as soon as they can
Wouldnt you like to have anice small flat they can co.me home too with laughter Nd light ?
Or do you choose more years of egg shells

The only thing wrong with this man is that he is an abusive cunt.

Thank you all, I genuinely appreciate every single reply and it has given me some very real food for thought.
Whilst some of you have been very direct it was what I needed to hear. I will always put my children first and I suppose I felt by remaining with him I was doing that because I came from a broken home and wanted things to be different for my own children. Plus financially at the moment I am able to give them the life I wanted, on my own that will look very different but money isn't worth this.
I had a chat with hubby earlier, once again he turned things round on me so my mind is made up. He had the cheek to say his mood today was because I took our eldest for a walk and coffee when he planned to take him elsewhere (this was never mentioned until tonight). So of course it's my fault he is now in a mood because we had fun without him. He then had the cheek to say I'm trying to be manipulative when I pointed out that he is in control of his behaviour and I'm done being blamed for it.
Now I need to put my decision into action which won't be an overnight fix but it's something to work towards. I'm done being treated this way!!!!

I understand. I've been there and I did leave. I'm not going to lie, there have been times I've regretted it, lots of times I wished I'd waited until DS was older (it hurt them), and times like today when I looked at the Christmas stuff I couldn't afford (I wanted a Christmas magazine!) and went home to a cold rental, that I wondered if it had been worth it.
But.
You choose your hard. Being married is hard, being divorced is hard.
This was my choice. Was it the right one? I honestly don't know. I wish I had been more determined and set boundaries, but I don't know if it would have worked.
On the other hand, I am possibly a better person these days. I am very independent, I'm seeing a great guy, I have a job and I have achieved a number of things that I wouldn't have done if I'd been married.

Good luck. You're not alone x

@HyggeandTea these are exactly my fears. The kids were hurt when we separated before and knowing they'll be hurt again breaks my heart even though longer term I know deep down it is what is best for them.
He is a great Dad but unfortunately not a particularly nice person or husband it would seem.
Money scares me, I'm actually sat here right now working out my finances and what I'll be left with as disposable income each month is literally nothing and this is before my fixed rate mortgage and fuel costs rise earlier nexr year. This isn't how we are used to living and I worry the kids will resent me for it.
I am one of these people who earns enough money so I don't qualify to receive help however will effectively be worse off for it as am just above the cut off.
So much more to this than deciding to leave a toxic relationship

@Mumrunlove

He is not a good dad. Good dads do not treat the mothers of their children like shit.
He is a vile horrible abusive man, and you and your children deserve better. Run for the hills, and this time don't go back.

Yes, it is never uncomplicated and much easier to give out advice than do these things.
You're not on a time limit. You don't have to do anything until you're ready.

Do you have any one you can talk to? At some point you need to talk to him, but it sounds like you need to learn a different approach to make these conversations effective.

In the meantime, try not to give in to his tantrums, sulks or engage in his unwinnable reasoning. Have things you like ready to go for those times (a good book, a bath with a locked door, a pod cast, netflix series, a walk and a fab coffee) and distract yourself.

You got this x

@HyggeandTea no unfortunately I don't have anyone I can talk to right now but I aim to change that by confiding in a friend or family member. I've kept quiet due to some sort of loyalty to him and also if I'm honest I'm very embarrassed to have to explain it all over again thati got it wrong by going back and we've separated again and face people's reactions and judgement.
Thank you for your sound advice it gives me hope and strength for the future.
Looking at his parents he behaves exactly as his own Dad does (behaviour which he says he hates but then proceeds to act in the same way towards me) his mum has put up with this and even went as far as to put the blame on me for leaving the first time around as her precious son can obviously do no wrong.
Sorry totally ranting now.
Thank you again

He had the cheek to say his mood today was because I took our eldest for a walk and coffee when he planned to take him elsewhere (this was never mentioned until tonight)
This sounds all too familiar! There is no self-insight there, is there?
I'm so glad you are recognising the problem and making a plan for the future.
My exH had many good points (obviously wouldn't have married him otherwise!) and it's hard t set those aside, I know, but in the end it comes down to what you are not prepared to live with anymore. I have never regretted leaving, I have found myself again. There is undoubtedly impact on the children ...but then there was certainly was impact on them living with him too. It's controlling behaviour - so absolutely abuse. Does he do it at work? No! He can control it when he wants to.

My father was very similar.

It left lasting scars that are still too hurtful to go into detail about. We were no contact by the time he died; once I grew up and started to set the boundaries that my mother wouldn't, our relationship didn't survive.

My mother is damaged beyond belief. Falls to pieces at the thought of making a decision or even having an opinion.

I know it's a difficult decision for you OP, all the best.

It might be that recent behaviour shows traits that match with ADHD or depression or BPD, but realistically wouldn’t you have seen evidence of this much earlier in the relationship, not just the last three or so years? It is tempting to seek a rational reason for current behaviour, but the danger is you pathologise the recent behaviour to make it understandable, but in reality if there isn’t longer term evidence, you are ignoring that this is dickish and bullying behaviour which is intolerable and giving it a label in no way helps the eggshell environment you and your boys are enduring. If it has only started recently walking like a duck, that does not make it a duck. A dick, more likely.

Sadly it's damaging your children more by staying than leaving. It's better to struggle a bit financially and be emotionally stronger than the other way around. There is a lot of help and financial support out there if you need to leave.

This is not living... this is existing.

These posts were so accurate:

cestlavielife · Yesterday 13:52
fleebees · Yesterday 00:15
Could you seek support for his mental health and see if that changes anythjng?
No , he has to seek help to change
Op you cannot change him
He puts everything on you
You left
He "changed"
You went back
He is the same
Your dc will leave and stay away as soon as they can
Wouldnt you like to have a nice small flat they can co.me home too with laughter Nd light ?
Or do you choose more years of egg shells

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Dozycuntlaters · Yesterday 07:40
He won't change, ever. It will just get worse.
My DH was like that. When life was good and he had no stress he was the best person in the world. When anything went wrong he was awful and I spent years walking on eggshells. I was forever saying to my son dad is angry, don't make dad cross, don't be too loud as dads not in a good mood. Poor kid!! I left in the end as it wasn't an ideal situation for me or DS and looking back now, I can't believe I didn't leave earlier. To be honest, we get along fine now and I can class him as a mate but every time I see him and he's stressed I thank god I don't have to deal with his moods anymore.
OP, there is nothing 'wrong' medically with your husband, he is just a selfish miserable man. I would leave again for good if I were you, it's a dreadful atmosphere for your boys to grow up in and they will end up thinking it is normal in a relationship and so the cycle will continue.
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aloysiusflyte · Yesterday 10:01
My dad was like this when I was growing up, I thought it was normal to live in a house where one person's behaviour had to be constantly pandered to and we all had to be on high alert to how he might behave. He was never physically abusive to us, he would shout and swear and throw things, though. It has left me with anxiety as an adult and I'm still scared of him to this day.
My mum had a very good opportunity to leave him at one point and she didn't take it, I think from all the years living with him her confidence and self esteem was rock bottom and I was too young to help her. At that point, I just wanted my parents to stay together! It's only as an adult and when I got married to an even-tempered man that I've realised how wrong life was when I was growing up.
She's had over 50 years of living with a mentally abusive man and will be stuck with him until he dies. Please don't live like that. I would have given anything for my mum to have had a different life.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 10:15
"I also don't want to leave as I do love him very much and want nothing more than to keep our family together"
What is there to love about such a man?. Do you feel like you're the only one who can take care of him?.
Did you grow up seeing your parents behave similarly towards each other?. Where has your "want to keep our family together" mindset come from?.
You are perhaps confusing love here with your own codependency. He certainly does not love you or his children. Your wish to keep "our family together" is costing you and your children an extremely high price and is a wish also stemming from your own denial (you thinking he has a mood disorder for instance).
What is more accurate here is to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression. And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it.
Who is more important to you here; your abuser or your children?. You also run the very real risk of having your children as adults completely estranged from you because in their eyes you are still putting this man before them. They probably wonder why you went back to him for yet more of the same from him. He has not changed. Many abusive men also like supposedly strong women who answer back as they see that as an additional challenge to bring the woman down.
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SaffronQuoda · Yesterday 10:27
Mumrunlove · Yesterday 00:44
@Jas5mum it's rubbish isn't it but I'm glad you've found a way to make it more manageable.
My hubby seems to become more determined to drag my mood down when I ignore his sulk so it's often difficult but I do my best to get on with my normal life despite this. It's horrible when I'm then blamed for it though and although I'd never admit it to him I'm often left wondering if I could maybe be to blame and should I be more attentive
I have been there with my EX H and believe me - you have no idea of how much you lose your real self in a situation like this. It eats away and chips away at you bit by bit. You only realise this when they are no longer in your life. I was convinced I was a total bitch but you know what? It was him .