Finances with husband - does this seem right:fair?

[AnonyHB]

Originally posted on money thread but realised probably better here:

Hi all,

Not sure who to ask about this and don’t feel comfortable asking friends as don’t want them to know about the situation.

In short, my husband and I are both high earners but he has been a high earner since graduating 17 years ago. He was then gifted half the family business about ten years ago so as well as being high earner (£120k plus) he also puts car, mobile phone etc through business and has access to extra money if he ever needs or wants to take out more. He works 3 days per week.

I earn about £40k less than him. To do this I work full time and then top up income through self employed work which fluctuates.

He bought our house 10 years ago. At that point we had been together approx 2 years but weren’t married. I was a student and not earning. House has always been in his name since. He paid mortgage and council tax, I paid everything else (bills, food, dogs, cleaner etc). We got married 5 years ago and now have a child. Nursery bill split equally between us at the moment.

He has paid for work to be done to house although I’ve also contributed (approx £50k I’ve given) despite never been named on house.

He is in a fortunate position that he has paid off the mortgage now, having decided he didn’t like the way the markets were going with interest rates. Meanwhile, my bills have accumulated and increased year on year. At this point he has no outgoings for household other than council tax and half nursery fees. I pay everything else, plus half nursery fees, to the tune of approximately £1800 per month. I also have obvious additional costs like my car, phone etc.

I can’t figure out if this is OK - that for the rest of our lives I continue to pay for everything on my own because he has paid the mortgage off. I feel it’s not right but can’t quite articulate the problem because in theory he could have chosen not to pay off mortgage and would then still have a monthly outgoing which, with council tax, would probably be similar in £ to mine.

Would appreciate opinions. I would love to get independent advice but husband not interested and I’ve told him I feel a bit weird about our financial situation but he ignores me.

I can't see how one spouse in a marriage can sit and watch the other be in a worse financial situation and think that's reasonable or loving.

You're supposed to be a team, making and sharing a life together.

@category12
Even on a team there are are articulated expectations as to what each member is to bring to the table. No one on a team expects to be carried.

Couples who marry should discuss before hand exactly what their views and expectations are as relates to finances and parenting. These agreements are not universal and can and should vary from couple to couple . There is no one size fits all agreement.

@Mari9999 Balls. If you love someone, you don't watch them struggle while you sit pretty in a marriage.

Although with the salaries in this case, I'm not sure how much struggling goes on, but whatever, it's frankly bizarre to have one person in a marriage radically better off than the other.

"Agreements" in a relationship should flex with circumstances (with discussion) - no point being rigid about what happens when life can throw curve balls. What seemed fair at one point may need renegotiation.

You are both in a really good financial position. Put a pot of X money each and the rest for your own. If his family/house expenditure is of 500 and your by the look of what you have said about 1800 with about 1500 each you cover all and still got left a lot.

The case is with the income you both earn there are plenty of possibilities and a fairer split form now on should be considered.

He owns the house is his asset, fair enough. But monthly expenses are not asset are just expenses and he should be contributing equally.

Regarding the house get a share with the money you had contributed or buy a bigger share if you like to be on the deeds.

@category12
Had the husband not been astute enough and financially positioned to take advantage of the situation, he too would be paying a mortgage for quite a while.

He did not renege on their agreement in anyone. He simply made a smart move, and he should not be penalized or criticized in anyway.

The OP is objecting to have to live up to the terms of the agreement. Expecting a spouse or partner to be a man or woman of their word has nothing to do with love or caring and is all about integrity.

OP is not burdened with anything unexpected except the resentment of her spouse for making a good financial move. It does not appear that her partner has ever asked her to assume some of his agreed upon expenses when he was making mortgage payments. He followed through on the agreement that they had in place, and now it would appear that the OP wants love not to be an emotion but instead become a transactional benefit.

Wow this guy must be delighted!!!

unless you own half of that house then you definitely shouldn’t be paying for everything

you need to have the talk and tell him you are not prepared to pay all of these bills for the next 30 years!!

@category12
The OP does not say that she is struggling She says that she has expenses that are on going. Would she feel better if her husband had not prepaid the mortgage and he was continuing to make that monthly payment ?

I couldn't live like this, I'd be resentful, it would boil up inside me. I'd want my name on the house , you have contributed to the house by paying other bills allowing his money to pay for the mortgage, you have also contributed to the improvements 50k. Whether or not it's seen as yours through marriage I don't know, but you should still have your name legally on the deeds. You are a partnership. What deposit and mortgage contributions did he make before you started paying the other bills? If he's being pedantic you could pay your half of these. But what kind of husband would that be ? You say
You don't mind because if this hadn't have happened you'd split up and be on your own paying all these costs anyway, but is there something in the back of your mind thinking this is truly unfair and you think you should be on your own? Maybe. I am a solo parent doing it alone, Personally I couldn't stand the injustice and that would chip away at the
Relationship.

What is he doing on his 2 non working days? Does he look after your child, thus saving childcare cost?

Suggest that now you purchase some property and he pays the bills you currently cover while you pay the mortgage.
A holiday house you can enjoy as a family and let for income or a property purely for income.

Good idea. Turn the situation around

I can’t believe he’s not offered to rebalance contributions based on your current split of outgoings.

If you ever divorced you'd still be entitled to some of equity in house provided it's in his name and not a company asset. You might need to check that out. You could tell him the cost of food, council tax etc has gone up and you need his help to pay it.