Finances with husband - does this seem right:fair?

[AnonyHB]

Originally posted on money thread but realised probably better here:

Hi all,

Not sure who to ask about this and don’t feel comfortable asking friends as don’t want them to know about the situation.

In short, my husband and I are both high earners but he has been a high earner since graduating 17 years ago. He was then gifted half the family business about ten years ago so as well as being high earner (£120k plus) he also puts car, mobile phone etc through business and has access to extra money if he ever needs or wants to take out more. He works 3 days per week.

I earn about £40k less than him. To do this I work full time and then top up income through self employed work which fluctuates.

He bought our house 10 years ago. At that point we had been together approx 2 years but weren’t married. I was a student and not earning. House has always been in his name since. He paid mortgage and council tax, I paid everything else (bills, food, dogs, cleaner etc). We got married 5 years ago and now have a child. Nursery bill split equally between us at the moment.

He has paid for work to be done to house although I’ve also contributed (approx £50k I’ve given) despite never been named on house.

He is in a fortunate position that he has paid off the mortgage now, having decided he didn’t like the way the markets were going with interest rates. Meanwhile, my bills have accumulated and increased year on year. At this point he has no outgoings for household other than council tax and half nursery fees. I pay everything else, plus half nursery fees, to the tune of approximately £1800 per month. I also have obvious additional costs like my car, phone etc.

I can’t figure out if this is OK - that for the rest of our lives I continue to pay for everything on my own because he has paid the mortgage off. I feel it’s not right but can’t quite articulate the problem because in theory he could have chosen not to pay off mortgage and would then still have a monthly outgoing which, with council tax, would probably be similar in £ to mine.

Would appreciate opinions. I would love to get independent advice but husband not interested and I’ve told him I feel a bit weird about our financial situation but he ignores me.

Mrs Gluck,
If the agreement was that he would pay the monthly mortgage payment in full , and the OP would pay the other household expenses, is in not punitive to want to change the agreement mid - game simply because he was thrifty enough or fortune enough to be able to fulfill his obligation sooner than expected?

The OP would not be objecting had he decided not to make the early pay off. That is like saying that the husband is not allowed to be strategic in the way that he handles his obligations because the wife cannot or does not handle her obligations in the same way.

Maybe, they can agree that when they reach retirement age, they will then each pay half of the household expenses.

o

Change the agreement mid-game? Is family life a game? I would hope a marriage would be a loving partnership.

Making new agreements when the family situation changes is entirely normal. Feeling unable to discuss serious matters with your husband is a sign of problems in the marriage.

When the house was bought, it was your house as a married couple. When he paid the house off it became a joint fully owned asset. When you had a child you became a family so everything should be shared. As he gets as much benefit from the heating, water and all other amenities as you do, he should pay half as a bare minimum - what he should really pay is the lions share and your contribution should be in proportion to your income relative to his.
If you were to divorce, you'd probably be better off actually as would get at least half the value of the house, could have half of his business and half of your joint family savings (which he likely has loads stashed away.
As he only works 3 days, I hope he does more of the childcare and domestic duties than you, as that's only fair too.
Start by insisting he contributes to the bills - not half, but a fairer bigger proportion. If he balks at that, you are not with a man who respects you or his family. All people should realise there is no "mine" once married, not without a prenup, and not even with one in the UK.

Oh and if your pension contributions suffered during mat leave, it could be worth going for some of his pension as a top-up. Then there's the monthly contributions he'd have to pay you if you became the main carer - don't think he'd like all those onions 😉You could be surprised how much better off you could be. See a solicitor to find out.

Mrs Gluck,
The family situation hasn't changed. The only thing that happened was that the husband decided on a different methodology for paying his portion of the agreed upon expenses. I doubt that he would care terribly if his wife tried different strategies in the way that she handles her agreed upon expenses.
This is not a situation that has any impact on the husband, the children, or the family's life style. Nothing has changed for anyone involved. The husband's ageed upon obligations have been met, the wife continues to meet her agreed upon obligations. There is no change. The fact that the OP is less than happy with the way that the husband managed his obligation is unfortunate, but that does not create any change in the family circumstances.

Couples should be able to discuss anything, and you are right in saying that the wife should be able to express her feelings about this or any other situation. But what is she unhappy about? He finished his task sooner. More efficient handling of a situation is generally not considered as an issue or problem. Should the husband have continued making monthly payment in order to prevent his wife from becoming dissatisfied with their agreeiment? My husband and I encourage each other to be as efficient as possible in paying off our agreed upon obligations. We would be celebrating each others efficiency rather than feeling put upon that there was another obligation that was not over our heads.

Mari, we will have to agree to disagree. You think the family situation hasn't changed. I think it has.

You need good legal advice. Immediately. Your partner sounds like a tosser.

Manfredsmum, would the OP be in a better situation if her partner was sill paying off the mortgage? Would her partner be a better man had he not paid off the mortgage? The OP would not be unhappy if he were still paying on the mortgage.

He is being criticized because he adhered to their agreement but was able to be more efficient in the execution of the agreeiment. He should not be penalized for success. OP now wants to change the terms of their agreement because she is still being required to meet her terms of the agreeiment. In team sports , the rules of the game don't change mid game.

Well, you now live in a mortgage free house which you pays v little for so I wouldn’t say you’re terribly hard done by

Divorce him. Cash in on everything he has !!! That’s what he deserves. Sounds like he has the life of Riley and has zero respect for you!!! He’s probably laughing into his champagne glass!! You’d be better off!!!

Hi, this in my opinion isn't remotely ok. For me you're in a committed relationship and you pool your money.

You may then agree to each person having an amount of money they use for things they feel are discretionary (clothes, luxuries, etc), that would give both freedom to make choices over what they spend money on.

For me its concerning if someone is in a relationship like this and feels there is a concept of "their" money, but this is a very fundamental question about the nature of the rekationship

Tell him you can no longer afford a cleaner. Either he cleans on his 2 days off or he pays for the cleaner. Tell him gas and electricity have more than doubled. He will have to go halves with you on that bill. If he agrees to this after a while tell him you can't afford council tax he will have to pay it. This should free up your disposable income a bit. You'd be financially better off if you split up. Don't pay anymore on house or for furniture let him pay.

I do find these threads odd. When we married my OH and I pooled everything and opened a joint account. It never occurred to either of us to do any different.

He inherited a bit from his parents and it went into our pot. I inherited a bit from mine and it went into the pot.

There were times when he was earning more than me, times when I was not earning at all and times when I was earning more than him - all went into the pot.

We spent as we wished and trusted each other to do so sensibly. On the occasions when either of us planned a big spend, we discussed it.

Your OH is earning masses more than you and able to do so on part time earnings; you are working your tripe out full time + to pay the bills while he is sitting on his arse counting his savings. Doesn't sound fair to me!

"He is being criticized because he adhered to their agreement but was able to be more efficient in the execution of the agreeiment."

No, he's being criticized because he set up the agreement in an intrinsically unfair way. His payments went into his equity in the house, which is in his name only, despite her having contributed 50K to the equity plus taking the burden of ongoing payments (utilities and bills) off his plate. Her payments went into utilities and bills that accumulate no equity. In other words, his payments went straight back into his own pocket, whereas her payments go to actual true expenses. That is why, the house having been paid off, he now has few expenses, whereas she is still paying ongoing expenses. He scammed her and used her, which is wrong because as romantic partners she expected him to love her. In addition, having scammed her and used her, he is now pretending that it's all fine.

We were both "Medium" earners prior to retirement and had a similar set up.

DH paid the mortgage, Council Tax, insurances, water and telephone/broadband and I paid for everything else.
(We each covered our own cars and mobiles.)

Mortgage was paid off in 2009 and since then DH saves a very large amount every month. X amount goes into a joint account for holidays, emergencies etc. and the rest he splits between our ,2 individual savings accounts. I have just continued paying for what I always have.
Works out great for us!

My point is it depends what your DH is doing with all his spare money. If he is saving most of it in both your names then fair enough but you should have access and be able to top up what you need each month. If he is keeping it in just his name then definitely not fair.

Marriage is a partnership!

I had to give up work due to Ill health, my husband pays for everything. He’s not perfect by any means but he’s never been mean with money and wouldn’t begrudge me a penny if I asked for it, not that I have to ask!

What???? This is insane. What does he do the other 4 days of the week? Why doesn't he look after the Dc so you can save nursery fees?

Now that you are married, all finances should be pooled and you should contribute proportionately - so he pays more than you do. This will give you both the chance to save, put money into pensions, etc.

You should be able to talk to him about this. I'm amazed he's happy to let you do this. Meantime, he has the house...

This. Great post.

Again. A great lawyer will sort this shyster out. Don't wait. Don't explain. Just do it. Make sure you're safe and others are watching out for you. Good luck.

I personally think you should pool everything and have the same ‘fun’ money-
not the same expenses!

Your OH is earning masses more than you and able to do so on part time earnings; you are working your tripe out full time + to pay the bills while he is sitting on his arse counting his savings. Doesn't sound fair to me!

Exactly this. Marriage counselling and financial counselling needed.

This post is from last November.

Christ, sounds like my ex-hubby

It's not okay! His money has gone to bank himself an asset and youre is being poured down the drain on bills and food....

Oh dear