Differences in cleaning standards

[happyhyena]

Been with dp for 5 years. We don't live together (I have a dd -16 - from another relationship and didn't want to upset the existing, stable family dynamic we have). She's likely to go off to uni in 2 years and I guess, on the cards, will be a discussion about whether me and dp then live together. We see each other just at weekends. He lives 40 miles away and it's mostly been him coming to my place. In the early days, I did visit him but my 3 bedroomed house is just a nicer place to live for those 3 days. It's bigger (we need that space with 3 adults knocking around); is set up like a home (as opposed to a one bedroomed bachelor flat) and - here's the main thing, and the reason I'm posting - is cleaner.

In many many ways, he's a great partner. However, he has zero interest in making his flat nice. The other week, I unexpectedly dropped in on the way to somewhere else to drop something off. His flat was disgusting. Dirty dishes everywhere. Dust. Skirting boards filthy (I swear he's never cleaned them). Radiators have peeling paint. He's never bothered to repaint them. He earns the same as me (about 2k/month) and is not short of money.

His accommodation is social housing, which I know isn't the best constructed so that doesn't help but I worry that his standards are much lower than mine re cleaning. Don't get me wrong, I don't have show home standards. I vacuum once a week at most, dust even less. The difference though between his and my home was stark. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Does this sound like a compatibility issue or has anyone's dp changed their cleaning standards once living together? He's 39, so those habits have been there for some time. It's making me re-evaluate our future tbh.

No, he won’t change for you. You’d have to accept cleaning up after him. It would be no to living together for me.

He will get his feet under your table and it will be up to you to keep your house clean because he will be doing you a great favour because his mighty penis will be close to you and cleaning is female work and clearly far far far beneath him and his important time.

But just be blunt if the subject arises.

"I'm never living with you because you live like a pig"

And make sure when he stays with you he at least contributes to some cleaning cooking whilst there, even now.

I think of you have a partner who is not bothered by dust etc you have to keep the house as clean as you wish and not expect them to keep house up to your standards. If you ever plan to live together, this is the story of pre nice discussion that needs to be had.

I would have lost all respect for him. He has no one else to look after and he can't keep his own place clean and tidy? Why on earth would you want to live with him? He will just mess up your lovely home.

Don’t move in with him. He won’t change.

No, I would stay as you are. I couldn't live with someone like this - and I am far and away not the Hygiene police.

I don't think the fact his flat is "Social Housing" is in any way relevant to his cleanliness standards by the way, or was there another reason for mentioning this? 🤔

Depends if he's an all round pig or just not into cleaning. If he can improve habits by putting dishes away, keeping laundry in the right place etc then you could hire a cleaner with your combined salary. Does he have redeeming features like doing cooking, DIY, managing admin like insurance etc?

I might be just biased in his favour as I never clean my skirting boards either!

I wouldn't live with someone who was intent on living in filth, but a few bad habits balanced out by good ones aren't so awful!

No there was no other reason for mentioning social housing other than just he might feel (though I wouldn't) that it's not 'his' to do up/maintain. Carpets and fixtures and fittings are cheap and cheaply installed. The fabric of the house seems like a single skin. Whenever there's a problem, the housing association seem to contract people who botch the job or who just see 'social housing' and get the job done without care. It doesn't help as he might well think he's going to move out at some stage. That is, he's not invested as much in the place. Doesn't excuse the lack of cleaning or pride in maintenance. For instance, he houses his bike in the flat - fair enough as nowhere else to put it - but it's scraped the paint off the hall wall where he's leant it against. It's been like that for years. No interest in doing anything about it.

@Dogtooth he's very clean in terms of personal hygiene. He does have lots of good things about him. Has been supportive in lots of ways and has in the past sorted out diy things for me. It's mainly the house cleaning things. Interestingly, I had a rant a few months ago when he talked about having done some vacuuming of my floor as 'having helped me'. I had to point out that for the three days of the week he stayed, his shedding of skin/hair/creating dust was his responsibility too and he wasn't actually doing me a favour in picking up the hoover now and again. He will empty the dishwasher and take bins out whilst here, though.

I wouldn't expect him to transform into a houseproud cleaner overnight, but living that way might be about self esteem partly - if he spends every weekend at your house and only eats and sleeps in his place during the week.

I think it can also be about how you're brought up, I was raised in a fairly filthy house and it came as a surprise that there are jobs like cleaning the oven, washing curtains etc I just didn't register as things needing to be done. It's even more the case for men, I suspect.

I'd have a chat about it, don't expect him to transform overnight but ask if he'd pull his socks up a bit if you lived together. You might need to meet in the middle a bit though rather than it being a case of him conforming to your rules. Presumably he doesn't leave mess everywhere when he stays with you at weekends?

My husband lived in a bin when we met but he’s actually more clean and tidy than I am now! He was just miserable living alone and didn’t see the point in maintaining his house as it was just him. Now he’s incredibly house proud. I wouldn’t write him off just yet without even giving him a chance.

If he has a social housing flat then he would be mad to give that up as he won't get another one. So if he gives it up and moves in with you and it doesn't work out he will have nowhere to go and it may be hard to get him out. Sorry to be negative but you are thinking of him moving in when there is already an issue. I really can't see any benefit to him moving in with you.

Honestly, it wasn't the main reason i picked my OH, but i did reaaly like the fact that he looked after his accommodation with keeping it maintained and clean. When we first met he was midway through a roof repair, and had a good quality and clearly used vacuum, his kitchen floor and bathroom were clean. I felt it reflected something about his values that matched mine, and I wouldn't continue a relationship with someone whose values wildly differed from my own.

I’m in the same boat (opposite end), I’m male with military parents , so was brought up to keep the house very neat & tidy, when my female partner stays she is quite messy, and cup & plates etc around the place, but I really like having her staying so I bite my tongue and wait till she is gone, but we have no plans to ever live together so I don’t let it worry me.

@cosmiccosmos I guess you're right there's a risk, but the benefit of moving in is surely close connection, lifelong companionship, greater financial stability etc? You make it sound like having a council tenancy is the biggest goal in life!

Sounds a bit like my other half although I think his house is hard to clean because of all the clutter. He is a 50/50 dad to two teenage girls although he has them more than their mum, so there’s all their stuff, plus he’s a keen walker and cyclist so has all that kind of paraphernalia. I do too but somehow, despite him having an attic room, cellar and garage, his house always just looks “full”. I’ve stayed there once in almost three years.

He’s not got massive hoarding tendencies, but he’s never decluttered. I also suspect that when he got divorced he had all their stuff - furniture, crockery etc, and she bought new. He has a little kitchen crammed with things like teacups and saucers, baking tins, and a tagine, none of which he’s ever used and could go in a box in the cellar. So as a result things like air frier, Breville, etc are all on the kitchen counter.

I sometimes think it would be nice to live together once the girls have left home. But I’d insist on selling both our homes and buying one together, and decluttering before we moved in. Anything that wasn’t furniture that couldn’t fit in a long transit would have to go.

You could probably give it some trial runs. Several shortish ones over a period of time because, as others say, he doesn't want to risk losing his tenancy.
I'd be wary in your position. He'd have to have plenty of other contributions to the relationship and the household if I ended up clearing up after him.

Why move in. Why not just enjoy things as they are?

I have a success story in this regard. Moved in with my dp in July after two years of dating. His flat was so disgusting that he didn't even allow me to see it until we'd been together 6 months 🙈 just vile. I immediately thought 'we can never live together' as I'm extremely houseproud. However we decided to take the plunge (cost of living crisis!) and I made it crystal clear from the start what I expected from him and that this was non negotiable for me. I will not tidy after him, I expect him to pull his weight with the clothes washing and loading/unloading the dishwasher. He does most of the cooking and I do most of the cleaning. He will hoover when I ask. Four months in and he has stuck to his word so far. Lay down ground rules and make sure he understands you're serious. Not romantic at all, but necessary!

Similar. When I met my husband he lived in a messy lad pad with a mate. It was pretty vile. We spent our time together at my lovely flat. Since moving in together he became a lot tidier. Neither of us lives cleaning so we have a weekly cleaner but in between he keeps the place as clean as I do.

I have never knowingly cleaned a skirting board - and I'm pretty houseproud.

I rarely do our skirting boards but I'd notice if they were filthy, with stray hair and loads of dust on them. This is what I am talking about here. I'm not super clean re housework - that is, I'm not coming from a exceptionally high level of house cleaning, just what I would see as typical or average really.

Yes, the issue of him giving up a housing association flat is a big one - and brings its own pressures to impact the relationship if he were to do that. For the same reason, I'd not really want to give up my house as it's in an area which is really hard to buy in (houses don't come up that often and are expensive).

I guess this is all pointing one way isn't it? That is, not to live together.

I personally have different standards for space that is shared and space that is just my own "bachelors flat". What his flat looks like might not transfer to how he treats your house when he moves in but its obviously difficult to say before hand.

Not at all@Dogtooth however this man currently has secure housing, very secure in fact, much more so than private renting. We have a housing crisis, a single man won't have a cat in hells chance of getting this is he gives it up. Private rent will cost significantly more, if he can get it. Anyone with secure housing would be mad to give it up.
Given the OP is saying there is already a big potential issue, I would recommend keeping things as they are!