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Original poster

6 years and no marriage?

46 replies

Scotsmum1988 · 18/11/2022 23:00

Hi!

Just wanted to hear other people's opinions on my issue and to find out if I am being unreasonable to be honest!

I've been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 6 years now. I am 34 and he is 39 and we both have 1 child each from previous relationships - both 13 year old girls.

We live together and have a good relationship, however he won't marry me! If I ever try and bring up the subject of marriage, or even if I begin talking about someone else's wedding, he does one of 3 things...

Blanks me and pretends he didn't hear.
Hears me but changes the subject entirely.
Leaves the room.

Wtf?? 6 years and he acts like this? He says he loves me every day but to be honest I am beginning to question that lately. He loves me, yet won't marry me.

His daughter once said in front of us both that he should get me a ring for Christmas. He just made a joke of it and said "what, an onion ring"?

What do I do??? I love him so much and don't want this to break us up, but marriage and having that stability is important to me.....

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 18/11/2022 23:07

Did you not discuss marriage before you decided to live together.
If he's said in past that he wanted to get married then you're not being unreasonable to expect it to happen
But if he's already made it clear that marriage wasn't for him but you continued the relationship in the hope he'd change his mind then that's unfair of you to keep bringing it up, dropping hints.
I guess the essential question is exactly how important marriage is to you?
I guess tou'll have to have a proper adult conversation with him ranger than just dropping it randomly into conversations.

Original poster
Scotsmum1988 · 18/11/2022 23:09

He said when we first started dating that he would get married one day, if the person was definitely the right one, as he didn't want to pay for a wedding and then 6 months later divorce, were his words

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 18/11/2022 23:10

He's never going to marry you or he would have asked by now and wouldn't be making stupid jokes about it. You deserve better. Teach him not to take you for granted and leave. Your needs aren't being met or even considered.

cleanfreak12345 · 18/11/2022 23:10

I think if a couple aren't engaged by the three year mark and if it's not even discussed or on the cards then there's questions that need to be asked

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:10

Wait till after Christmas/ny then bring it up.

If he asks what your NY resolution is, say "to get married to you"

category12 · 18/11/2022 23:13

Decide if getting married is a dealbreaker for you.

If it is, then propose to him.

Or open up the discussion on marriage frankly, saying it's what you want out of a relationship.

category12 · 18/11/2022 23:14

He can only blank you about the subject if you let him. You're equals, right? You want to discuss something important to you, important to your life and your future as a couple. He doesn't get to blow you off.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 18/11/2022 23:14

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:10

Wait till after Christmas/ny then bring it up.

If he asks what your NY resolution is, say "to get married to you"

??? Why can't she just bring it up now? Why wait til Xmas? Not only is it just...well, pointless, but could potentially ruin Xmas for whole family if he replies in the negative
OP, you've answered your own question. He's waiting for the right one and if, after 6 years, you are not even engaged, then he's telling you marriage is not on the cards. Again, only you can decide if that's important enough to want to end the relationship

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:17

He might be planning something for Christmas maybe. That's why wait.

category12 · 18/11/2022 23:20

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:17

He might be planning something for Christmas maybe. That's why wait.

Ugh, people always say things like this. You could put it off your whole life that way - maybe he'll do something at Christmas, maybe New Year, maybe Valentines, maybe Easter, maybe on our summer holiday blah blah blah.

OP is six years into this already.

The guy doesn't even want to talk about marriage - the chances are high he's going to do bugger all.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 18/11/2022 23:23

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:17

He might be planning something for Christmas maybe. That's why wait.

After 6 years of avoiding the subject? Time to have a proper grown up conversation. The time for a romantic, magical, fairy tale proposal has passed.

TabithaTittlemouse · 18/11/2022 23:25

Propose but be prepared for a no. Work out if you want to stay.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 18/11/2022 23:27

He says he loves you and yet he won't even discuss marriage in a grown up manner?

Have you told him "can we sit down - I need to discuss something really important with you."

tell him "I want to get married. ......... I want to get married now - not at some vague date in the future."

But you need be prepared to walk away if his answer is no...

Coffeepot72 · 18/11/2022 23:34

And don’t issue any ultimatums unless you’re prepared to follow them through

Iliveinanoodie · 18/11/2022 23:40

He doesn't want to marry you. This is clear, unfortunately. Sorry, op but you will have to make choices. What are your circumstances? Do you jointly own everything? Wills, insurance. Bills, etc all set up equally and fair?
Do you get this sorted and accept he won't marry you, or split up and tell him to do one?
It all depends on how happy you are, how important it is to you and how nice he is otherwise.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2022 23:42

If he wanted to marry you, you would already be married.

This man will never marry you. If that's important to you, stop wasting your time.

category12 · 18/11/2022 23:42

Coffeepot72 · 18/11/2022 23:34

And don’t issue any ultimatums unless you’re prepared to follow them through

Yes, I think the main thing is to decide for yourself just how important marriage is to you, if it's a dealbreaker, and then proceed accordingly.

If it's a "nice to have" for you then carry on.
If it's a dealbreaker, something you definitely want to have in life, then you need to confront that and have the difficult conversation or propose or whatever.

This is your one and only life, don't be passive in it, you're not Sleeping Beauty.

Original poster
Scotsmum1988 · 18/11/2022 23:45

Other than the whole discussion of marriage thing we are otherwise happy and he is very nice day to day. Getting married is a deal breaker though, and at the start of our relationship I didn't know it would go this way. You end up waiting a little longer and a little longer, and before you know it 6 years has gone by - and they have flown by to be honest.

We live in a house together, but it is my house. We split the bills 50/50. He works offshore so is on 3 weeks and off 3 weeks. This kind of thing gives us the time to miss each other and keeps the relationship fresh, although when he was doing other work through lockdown and was at home every night the relationship was still just as good.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2022 23:45

He says he loves you everyday but also refuses to communicate with you like an adult.

Not to stick the boot in, but he also said he’d marry someone if she was the right one, so all you can deduce is he hasn’t decided you’re the right one. And do with that what you will.

How have you got to 6 years without even discussing it properly if it’s so important to you?

From his POV you might like the idea but it’s obviously not a deal breaker as you’re still with him…

How much longer will you put up with the status quo and stonewalling if you try to bring it up?

Iliveinanoodie · 18/11/2022 23:56

Are you being taken advantage of? Cheap rent and free babysitting for his daughter, or would you potentially lose your house if you married and divorced?

Citycentre3 · 18/11/2022 23:58

I have refused to marry my dp because he has faults he has refused to remedy and address. Could this be a similar reason for you perhaps? Has he mentioned anything he finds particularly off putting in your general demeanor? Even as a casual remark and you have refused to listen and take stock?

Original poster
Scotsmum1988 · 19/11/2022 00:00

Nah I don't feel I am being taken advantage of. His daughter only stays with us on the weekends that he is at home and before we lived together, he was living with his mother for free. So living with me actually costs him quite a bit in bills. This tells me that he does actually want to be here and isn't doing it because it's convenient

OP posts:
Original poster
Scotsmum1988 · 19/11/2022 00:02

Citycentre3 · 18/11/2022 23:58

I have refused to marry my dp because he has faults he has refused to remedy and address. Could this be a similar reason for you perhaps? Has he mentioned anything he finds particularly off putting in your general demeanor? Even as a casual remark and you have refused to listen and take stock?

No he has never criticised or insulted or anything like that. He is very sweet and affectionate. Pretty much everything is fine apart from this one issue! Maybe that's why I've stuck it out so long??

OP posts:
jsku · 19/11/2022 00:02

I am divorced. Have my own place and kids.
I see no reason to ever get married. I can be in a relationship, be in love, etc. But I am not having any more kids. And I am financially independent and have no desire to lose my independence. It’s a practical, financial decision.

OP - marriage is not some romantic idea you seem to have. It’s a financial arrangement meant to protect a woman when she had a child and gives up her job to raise joint kids. Are you hoping to have more kids with him?
You have a house and a child. And your bf that is already lives with you. Why would you want to make half of your house his? Shouldn’t it go to your daughter????

If you are not planning on any more kids -
just enjoy the relationship.

Iliveinanoodie · 19/11/2022 00:03

Well, that's good then. So it's back to is it important enough to you to split up over?

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