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Original poster

6 years and no marriage?

46 replies

Scotsmum1988 · 18/11/2022 23:00

Hi!

Just wanted to hear other people's opinions on my issue and to find out if I am being unreasonable to be honest!

I've been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 6 years now. I am 34 and he is 39 and we both have 1 child each from previous relationships - both 13 year old girls.

We live together and have a good relationship, however he won't marry me! If I ever try and bring up the subject of marriage, or even if I begin talking about someone else's wedding, he does one of 3 things...

Blanks me and pretends he didn't hear.
Hears me but changes the subject entirely.
Leaves the room.

Wtf?? 6 years and he acts like this? He says he loves me every day but to be honest I am beginning to question that lately. He loves me, yet won't marry me.

His daughter once said in front of us both that he should get me a ring for Christmas. He just made a joke of it and said "what, an onion ring"?

What do I do??? I love him so much and don't want this to break us up, but marriage and having that stability is important to me.....

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/11/2022 00:03

Given that you have pre-existing children, the issue of marriage gets complicated. Is he worried about protecting assets and inheritance for his child? Are the two of you planning to have any joint children?

if he does object to marriage for inheritance reasons though, he should have made that clear from the beginning of the relationship.

Citycentre3 · 19/11/2022 00:08

jsku · 19/11/2022 00:02

I am divorced. Have my own place and kids.
I see no reason to ever get married. I can be in a relationship, be in love, etc. But I am not having any more kids. And I am financially independent and have no desire to lose my independence. It’s a practical, financial decision.

OP - marriage is not some romantic idea you seem to have. It’s a financial arrangement meant to protect a woman when she had a child and gives up her job to raise joint kids. Are you hoping to have more kids with him?
You have a house and a child. And your bf that is already lives with you. Why would you want to make half of your house his? Shouldn’t it go to your daughter????

If you are not planning on any more kids -
just enjoy the relationship.

So agree with this. I can never understand why people choose their partners over their children when it comes to inherited property. (I wrote a whole threat on the subject) it is plain stupidity on behalf of the parent. He is actually doing you a favour or rather your dd a favour.

Original poster
Scotsmum1988 · 19/11/2022 00:25

When I said its my house, I mean my tenancy. My name is on it, so if we split up he would be the one leaving. I am not choosing him over my daughter at all

OP posts:
jsku · 19/11/2022 01:22

OP - what stability do you think marriage will bring you?

You have a house, and a kid; and financial independence already. He is already living with you. And you describe your relationship as good, other then this one issue of him not wanting a marriage.

You do relapse that marriage isn’t some guarantee that the relationship will last?

Billslills · 19/11/2022 01:30

As you said, you have a really great relationship. Is it really worth ruining it or losing it over this? I know it’s important to you but it’s not to him. Whatever happens, someone doesn’t get their way.

BadNomad · 19/11/2022 02:00

He is trying to avoid being confronted about it because he knows he'll either have to tell you the truth, or he'll have to lie to keep you around. But he doesn't want to marry you. He is making that clear. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then you're going to have to end the deal.

Thistlelass · 19/11/2022 02:11

I personally would not think about ending what is basically a happy relationship over a bit of paper. It may take a longer time but a proposal could still happen.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2022 02:25

Scotsmum1988 · 18/11/2022 23:09

He said when we first started dating that he would get married one day, if the person was definitely the right one, as he didn't want to pay for a wedding and then 6 months later divorce, were his words

Well, you have your answer right there. He said he'd marry 'the right one'. After 6 years, I'd say he's made the decision that the 'right one' isn't you. Either that or he was lying and has no intention of ever marrying. Either answer wouldn't work for me.

Time to seriously consider your own future.

J0CASTA · 19/11/2022 02:41

Are you sure that he is actually divorced from the mother of his child ?

And are you sure that he works off shore? Because oil rig workers were still working In lockdown , yet you say he did another job then at home .

Its odd for an oil rig worker to not own their own place, as they earn so much money . Yet he lived with his mum and now he lives with you in your rented home.

Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you because he had a lot of money stashed away and he doesn’t want to share it .

Yet I’m assuming that you believe that you earn the same money as him, because you share the bills 50:50.

Something doesn’t add up here, I don’t think he’s being honest with you.

thewolfandthesheep · 19/11/2022 03:27

He took te decision he will not marry you. Not now. Not any time soon. He told you. Maybe he changed his mind but after Christmas, and the fact that now even daughter will be aware of it, I would have formed a decision for myself. You too have a decision to make. And also yes, something does not add up. He should have a house. Are you sure he is not married elsewhere ?

Runover · 19/11/2022 03:47

He doesn't want to marry you @Scotsmum1988 sorry.

If you're not happy with being ummarried forever you need to kick him to the kerb and find another man who wants a wife. If you want to be married don't move a man in. It sounds like he isn't telling you the whole story and is getting everything he wants. He knows what you want, he is just avoiding the discussion and hoping you give up.

Aprilx · 19/11/2022 04:15

J0CASTA · 19/11/2022 02:41

Are you sure that he is actually divorced from the mother of his child ?

And are you sure that he works off shore? Because oil rig workers were still working In lockdown , yet you say he did another job then at home .

Its odd for an oil rig worker to not own their own place, as they earn so much money . Yet he lived with his mum and now he lives with you in your rented home.

Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you because he had a lot of money stashed away and he doesn’t want to share it .

Yet I’m assuming that you believe that you earn the same money as him, because you share the bills 50:50.

Something doesn’t add up here, I don’t think he’s being honest with you.

Oil rigs stayed open but massively reduced the workforce during lockdown. And if he had a family elsewhere (as I think you are suggesting) how would he have been available to live with OP full time during lockdown.

You are right about something not adding up, he should be on good money so why doesn’t he have a house, he certainly must have a stash of money if no house.

Truthfully I think he is happy enough with his life right now, but OP simply isn’t someone that he sees his long term future with. If he did, they would be married by now.

Pleasebeafleabite · 19/11/2022 06:09

Truthfully I think he is happy enough with his life right now, but OP simply isn’t someone that he sees his long term future with. If he did, they would be married by now

Unbelievably some people just don’t need to get married to be happy in a long term relationship. Mind bending as that is for some MNers

Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 06:12

Take control of the situation OP! Stop waiting for him to ask you and propose to him properly. If he says no, then it's time to part ways (as you say yourself that this is a deal breaker).

cushioncovers · 19/11/2022 06:20

Was he married before op?

Pebblewaves · 19/11/2022 06:20

If it's something you need OP then you need to talk to him about it directly and tell him how important it is that he take you seriously. You don't let him blank you or leave the room, you insist that he listen and discuss his feelings about it.

You can't carry on wanting such different things, it's not fair on either of you.

If marriage is important to you and he doesn't want it, then you need to discuss whether this relationship is viable.

Campervangirl · 19/11/2022 07:18

I've been engaged for more than twice as long as you've been together.
Always thought we'd get married but life, big holidays, nice cars have taken priority.
He said something that made me realise it's probably not going to happen so I've taken off my ring and told him we're no longer engaged, he's all shocked etc 🙄
Now I've gone from thinking we're rock solid to thinking I'm clearly good enough to live with but not marry.
I'm reevaluating our relationship, I don't want to be just someone's girlfriend after all these years, he's not meeting my needs and tbh I want out, I never thought I'd say that.
If I were you I'd set my stall out, make it very clear what you want/need, don't waste your time quietly waiting for it to happen because it won't.
Wish I'd taken my own advice years ago, instead I'm left feeling like I'm not good enough and looking at what I thought was the love of my life through different eyes

Coffeepot72 · 19/11/2022 12:48

My first husband was reluctant to get married. All our friends were getting married/starting families and his reluctance to commit was becoming embarrassing (amongst other things). He was up for buying houses, babies etc, all the perks of marriage without being married.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I wouldn’t consider a baby without a wedding first, no offence to anyone who has different views.

I really pushed, he relented, I was elated. 13 months later he began the affair that detonated the marriage.

With hindsight? Rather than pushing a reluctant man to get married, I should have left and found someone who wanted the same things as me. But at the time I couldn’t face being back to the drawing board.

Citycentre3 · 19/11/2022 14:05

Coffeepot72 · 19/11/2022 12:48

My first husband was reluctant to get married. All our friends were getting married/starting families and his reluctance to commit was becoming embarrassing (amongst other things). He was up for buying houses, babies etc, all the perks of marriage without being married.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I wouldn’t consider a baby without a wedding first, no offence to anyone who has different views.

I really pushed, he relented, I was elated. 13 months later he began the affair that detonated the marriage.

With hindsight? Rather than pushing a reluctant man to get married, I should have left and found someone who wanted the same things as me. But at the time I couldn’t face being back to the drawing board.

This is the very reason, why marriage and having children are now associated as two very different life stages that don't necessarily run concurrently together. Men have too many choices now and can opt out at anytime, a child once it is here is a true commitment for life, for the mother that is.

notonmonday · 19/11/2022 14:15

Pleasebeafleabite · 19/11/2022 06:09

Truthfully I think he is happy enough with his life right now, but OP simply isn’t someone that he sees his long term future with. If he did, they would be married by now

Unbelievably some people just don’t need to get married to be happy in a long term relationship. Mind bending as that is for some MNers

But in this case, the OP does want to get married and he has said he wants to get married to the right person. So your point is irrelevant in the context of this thread.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/11/2022 15:30

He said when we first started dating that he would get married one day, if the person was definitely the right one

Sadly, the only realistic thing to take from this is that you're not considered "the right one", so as you've said marriage is a dealbreaker I reckon you have a hard decision to make

I suppose you could propose to him, but since he already knows this is important to you and has done nothing I'm not even sure I'd bother with that - and after 6 years what I certainly wouldn't do is spend more time hoping for something you're very unlikely to get

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