Dealing with rude family at Christmas

[Mistlefrog]

I have a family member who I really dislike. I find them to be unkind, rude and attention seeking. They insult people and constantly judge, criticise and generally just aren’t pleasant to be around.
I love and care for everyone else in the family. the rest of the family dislike this person too, but they still love them and don’t want to exclude them, though they do occasionally get upset or angry when they feel the person has gone too far. We have all individually tried to politely speak to this person about the issues, but to no avail and everyone else has given up and accepted it now.

I begin dreading occasions in advance because I know I’ll have to spend time with this person, and I’m on edge waiting to be criticised.
I am ND and the whole lack of ‘justice’ and fairness really seems to get to me. I can’t believe someone can insult me and people I love and we all just let them ‘get away with it’
but I can’t be in an argument every 10 minutes, I don’t want to miss out on family occasions and it’s only me who gets so upset with it.

So how do I let this just wash over me, ignore it, and still enjoy my day. I can’t be selfish with a sour face and kill the mood for everyone else as that’s almost as bad as that person. And it’s a waste of my time sulking through happy occasions, since it doesn’t change things.

It seems to be in this day and age everyone just suits themselves. Gone are the days that people feel the need to make an effort just for a small little detail like shared family dna.

Just don't bother, it is the new modern way. I am learning fast.

@Citycentre3 i honestly don’t know what you mean.
i am trying to make an effort and I have been trying with this person.

Just ignore them. Don't answer them if they are sarcastic. Don't start a conversation with them be polite but monosyllabic.

Ignore them? Do you have to be there when they are there?

If you get cornered "water off a duck's back"
"Well it makes life colourful everyone has different views, excuse me"

Be polite, smile, they might like upsetting you means they are being listened to. Try a different tactic.

Say you've taken up smoking and go and stand outside

Grey rock all the way.

Be super kind and nice back.

If they make comments. Just say. Ooh I don't like making comments about anyone. I always try to be kind. And move the conversation on

Bright and breezy, don't really listen. Or pretend you're in a film. Could be fun to be a secret agent who's got to stay undercover. Play buzzword bingo with words and phrases they tend to use.

Basically distance yourself.

Or maybe AirPods.

I begin dreading occasions in advance because I know I’ll have to spend time with this person, and I’m on edge waiting to be criticised.
I am ND and the whole lack of ‘justice’ and fairness really seems to get to me. I can’t believe someone can insult me and people I love and we all just let them ‘get away with it’
but I can’t be in an argument every 10 minutes, I don’t want to miss out on family occasions and it’s only me who gets so upset with it.

@Mistlefrog

I just be informed of something earlier today that family coming down and a certain person been avoiding will be coming. I have kind of said I might be busy that day and have a lot of appointments on. I will let them know what happening.

I don't want the comments or criticism either. I don't want the interrogation either.
So been so far happy not to have seen this person but anxious now. I don't need extra stress with my pregnancy.

So I get where your coming with family. I tried to avoid some family events just can't be around certain family members. It's too much headache at times.

Most families have one. Grey rock, humour them, wind them up depending on your mood and bitch about them behind their backs. Breathe and let it go

Hi OP I know what you mean about dreading it. I have a difficult SIL who's unpleasant around DH and I and comes across very jealous. No matter how hard I try I can't be normal and forget about it, it puts me on edge and ruins the day. I'm sorry I have no advice other than maybe have a drink or 2 and try and feel sorry for the problem person. When they say something clearly irritating or unpleasant think 'why are they so unhappy they have to do that?' - it might help you feel less annoyed 👍

What kind of thing is this person saying?

@frozendaisy i think you’re right, because being stuck in conversation with them typically involves listening to them talk about themselves, or insult the person they’re speaking to, they’re often dodged by a lot of the family (myself included). so they double down on the rudeness as time goes on, because I presume negative attention is better than no attention.

To the pp saying ignore it, how?! How do you know someone is insulting you, or see them insulting your family and just think no bother that’s fine I don’t care.
I don’t know what to tell myself so I’m not just quietly seething throughout Christmas. I do outwardly ignore it a lot of the time but I’m just miserable and on edge

I have tried grey rocking but DH often tries to ‘save’ me, which is him just filling in the silence im leaving, with the very info im trying not to give!! I’ve spoken to him about it but everytime he thinks he was helping.

@Phineyj 😂i definitely need something like this. Imagining I’m in a film so it becomes a game rather than something I’m raging about

@Quiegal im sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s so horrible. I do avoid this person most of the rest of the year, but it’s really starting to damage my relationships with the rest of the family and I don’t want to keep missing peoples special occasions.

thank you @janie85 at least I’m not alone. I love my family and special occasions and I’m just so sad they’re always ruined. But it’s my fault for giving that kind of power to this person. Sorry SIL is a nightmare too!

@Mistlefrog

I avoided last time seeing them but this time I need to find a way of getting out of it again.

I know it will upset other family but just can't cope with it.

I am going to probably keep myself busy will work probably say I can't get the time off.

My father is like this relative op and I just let him rant and rant and then when he's finished I just start a new conversation about something completely random. I don't even contribute to the horrible conversation he was trying to goad me into. You've got to toughen up a bit op and tell your Dh to keep quiet as well.

Ear plugs might help. Pretend you’re one of those old people on Telly who only hears a wee bit of the conversation. Nod and smile. Say “Mmmmm” a lot and pull out the ear plugs when they go

Could your husband say something like that's not a very nice thing to say to someone and then change the subject quickly? Sometimes family members are a bit more wary of in-laws.

Don’t think I’ll get away with earplugs but I could pretend to not hear a lot
I do that sometimes now, I feel really rude but I’m often too distracted by my phone to hear that I’m being addressed and interrogated

if we say ‘that’s not very nice’ the person typically says ‘well I was only saying because..’ then says something worse,
or it becomes a huge argument because ‘everyone is always attacking them and they just can’t say anything at all anymore’ and then for the next few hours (or days over Christmas) we’ll be asked all the time things like ‘oh am I allowed to speak now?’ ‘Oh well I was going to say this really mundane thing but I best not because mistlefrogs DH will probably have a problem with that too’ and so on..

I am also ND (Adhd) and I am signed up to additude emails. I was sent this topic recently and even if you are someone ND with another diagnosis, I feel this may reasonate with you. NT won't feel as strongly about it as we do as we feel a lot of emotions very strongly and our brains work differently. So some of the advice may not help you. Try this link and see if any other articles can help with this on the page. If it's anything I get really angry about rude people too.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/why-am-i-so-sensitive-adhd-in-adults/amp/

Btw it's not why am I so sensitive it mentions about us dealing with injustices.

In my experience there’s only one way to really be able to both attend this event and deal with this type of person’s presence, and it’s not easy.
What you have to do is to mentally forgive them, in advance, for any hurtful behaviour they inflict on you. Try to have empathy for them. People like this are damaged, their behaviour comes from a place of pain and dysfunction. At root that is why they try to cause pain and negative emotion in others, (even if they’re probably not aware that’s the cause and that’s what they’re doing). It doesn’t matter if they are deliberately or unconsciously behaving in this way. As you say most people dislike them too, and just ‘put up’ with them. It’s unlikely they are completely unaware of this, but even if they are somehow oblivious, again it doesn’t matter. There’s no point trying to point this out to them either.
Of course the way they are is not your fault or your problem, nor is it your responsibility to ‘help’ them or otherwise manage their behaviour. They completely lack self awareness and the ability to interact socially. Even if they suddenly magically gained some self awareness it would take a lifetime of self improvement and therapy for them to unpick this. You are stuck with them for a few hours, they have to live like this all the time. Pity them. Empathise with their sad, damaged existence.
Then, when you are at the event, when they say or do whatever they typically do, try not to react emotionally (it is hard, but try), instead once again remind yourself that they cannot help it, they are broken. Do not react, that is probably what they want as it feeds their dysfunctional needs, just try to feel empathy and benevolence towards them and their pain. They need to behave like that to satisfy their ego, you don’t. Think of the person in front of you as someone with a debilitating injury, emotionally crippled; often people who are sick can become bitter and hurtful to others. You don’t need to “be the better person”, have absolute certainty in your own mind that you are the better person. If you can truly achieve this mindset, honesly believe it, forgive, then you will be able to not let their behaviour affect you, really let it wash over you.
As I said this is not easy but it’s the only way I know, other than not attending, to manage these situations.

Would an ultimatum that they must be excluded or you will not visit work? Just Christmas with you and your DH? If you think it would, you must be prepared to 100% go through with it, even if you only intend to do it for this Christmas.

Christmas, the time of year when we have to see the people we've been trying to avoid all year

My sister has some inlaws with some vile (racist and homophobic) opinions. She is often heard at family occasions saying "oh piss right off sunshine" ... takes the edge off for her..