Why do I KEEP misreading attraction

[Pineappleskies]

In the last 2 years I keep thinking male acquaintances are attracted to me.

I think they're flirting, showing signs of wanting to ask me out.

But it always turns out that I was completely wrong and they were just being friendly.

What is going on? I never used to be wrong about these things.

Hmm, i have similar. I notice now that I am older I hesitate too much, don't quite make it obvious/plain enough that I am interested. Or, never quite brave enough to say that one flirty response that would make it obvious. Then it seems to die a death or I find they have got it together with some else.

How long do these flirtations go on for with you? Like you I am usually not wrong about who fancies me and who does not. I wonder if there is a window of time where excitement builds but then when it passes men lose interest?

Also, i think we are so afraid now to say or do the perceived wrong thing , we are probably more reserved and careful not to get it wrong. Fearful of it backfiring.

has anything changed in the last few years? Either in terms of your life/hormones or your appearance, or are you spending time with very different people from before?

Bump, hope this gets more replies.

Oh thanks for the replies!

I'm 45 now so I'm older, but I'm quite youthful in outlook, energy.

I'm a little heavier, but not overweight.

It could be an appearance thing.

I definitely thing I am making it clear I like them. I feel confident and whilst I'd never hit on someone, I'm appreciative, engaging etc to these guys.

I feel something is putting them off after an initial attraction...and I guess the obvious answer is my personality (oh dear!!!!).

I make a lot of jokes, often at my own expense...I think men were more attracted to me when I was more shy....

I guess also I tend to socialise sober more now....exercise hobbies etc rather than bars....perhaps I'm only attractive if I and they are drunk....!!

The flirtations go on 3 to 4 months before they suddenly start seeing someone else or in other ways make clear...I have got it totally wrong!!

i've found this as I've got older so may be linked more to age or something. also some men are very shallow and may lead you on as long as it suits them playing the flirt / chase thing but then just lose interest because many are just shallow inside and prefer younger women or whatever. sorry I know that's not nice to hear but I do believe it plays a part whether they realise it or not. hopefully one day you'll meet someone nice and deserving of your good self! I've basically given up on relationships at least until one comes to me, if it does. my focus is on career, family etc. makes life a lot easier!

" i feel something is putting them off after an initial attraction...and I guess the obvious answer is my personality (oh dear!!!!)".

Yes, i can massively relate to this.

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation. I’ve watched it happen & I think I know why.

Being overly funny is unattractive. It’s just tedious after a while & makes the other person feel like they’re just your audience. If you constantly put yourself down with these jokes you are effectively saying even you don’t think you are of any value. Would you buy a car that the salesperson says is crap? Imagine they say the exhaust is knackered but do so with a tinkly laugh. It’s still saying it’s crap isn’t it & aren’t you a fool for even considering it.
Then there’s the having to constantly rebuff your jokes with “don’t be silly, you’ve got lovely hair” etc etc & it’s draining. You just become unappealing because you clearly have a few issues.

if someone fancies you , let them. You don’t need to talk them out of it by pointing out every fault you have. The average person isn’t a psychologist nor do they have the skills of one. They can’t be bothered to unravel you and find the real you. They want to feel special and wanted too and inadvertently you’re making it all about you.

Absolutely avoid drinking if it brings out the worst in you!

im sure you’re lovely by the way 😊

@flflflf this makes sense. Although the latest guy this has happened with is 58!! I don't look for relationships ie don't do online dating, don't try to meet men, its more that after knowing a guy for a while I perceive him flirting, consider him in a new light, decide yes I do like him but he then decides he doesn't like me....what you say about it just only ever being a bit of entertainment for them makes a lot of sense.

"The flirtations go on 3 to 4 months before they suddenly start seeing someone else or in other ways make clear...I have got it totally wrong!"!

Yes, same here. I think we dither! Would love to know how we be more confident. We miss the boat, but why? I massively lack confidence and when working with someone, i am so afraid of dumping on where i work as they say. Yes i see now 3-4 mths is a long time. 3-4 months is a long time for you also Op. We should have acted in 3-4 weeks?

@CallmeCath I mean I'm flirting with them for 3 to 4 months. I'm not shy when I like someone. We may have the same problem but different causes!! I'm not sure.

@Opine thanks for the long reply. A lot to think about. I'm a stand up comic in my part time so the jokes aren't about me not liking my hair etc...I take your point that not everyone finds constant humour attractive.

@Pineappleskies ah sorry, I thought you meant the jokes were self deprecating as you said they jokes were at your expense.

There's lots to think about in your post @Opine I just sincerely don't think I'd give the impression of being unconfident or uncertain of myself...but there's lots of other things you say I will need to mull over so a big thank you x

I was going to say something similar to opine although maybe a slightly different observation, in that making jokes at your own expense can reveal a vulnerability and neediness that others may not want to deal with/address.

Interesting that you are a part time stand up comedian, do you think that could be quite confronting?

Maybe you’re a bit intimidating? I would think of a comedian being confident and possibly even forthright and maybe they’re feeling inadequate in comparison?

@Pineappleskies Do you erm...tend to your own 'needs?' If I'm horny it's more easy to misinterpret things. Maybe Kellogg's, exercise, and cold showers.

It would put me off if someone thought they were a comedian. They would have to go a long way to make me think they didn't have a large opinion of themselves. That would just be my assumption.

I also picked up on this:

I make a lot of jokes, often at my own expense...I think men were more attracted to me when I was more shy....

Making jokes at your own expense can make it look like you have no confidence/ don't like yourself much. Which is deeply unattractive. Is that what you're doing?

Or it could be that the joking gets tedious. It's funny to start with but if you never have a 'proper' conversation it can look like you're putting up a barrier. So the initial attraction could be wearing off when you appear to be keeping the men at arms length.

People are generally attracted to confident people. Any whiff of having to prop someone up is likely to put people off... I don't think men are particularly attracted to shy people.

@Arriettyborrower I don't think its too confronting as I do only 2 to 3 gigs a month as support act. I'm not in any sense famous and my act isn't edgy.

Can only repeat what I've said before that I would be very surprised if anyone took me for shy, in need of praise, slow to express myself etc

The sense of being unclear where the real, vulnerable, intimate me is, is much more likely in my view to be what causes uncertainty in men.

“Or it could be that the joking gets tedious. It's funny to start with but if you never have a 'proper' conversation it can look like you're putting up a barrier. So the initial attraction could be wearing off when you appear to be keeping the men at arms length.”

Thank you for this @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn I think this is exactly what I do.

I’m so used to being jokey/banter-y with guys it’s my default “persona” around them. I never really gave it a thought that it could also come across as putting up a barrier or keeping them at arm’s length. And perhaps I subconsciously am. Maybe its self-sabotage and I’m inadvertently friend-zoning them with humour when, in fact, I use humour to flirt (and also hide a bit of shyness where romantic feelings are concerned). You’ve given me food for thought.

OP – Sorry for the thread derail!

Women often say that they are attracted to men that make them laugh, but you rarely hear men say that about women or see it on their dating profiles. I think you'd have more luck if you stuck to gentle humour alongside the flirting.

Just to clarify, gentle humour as opposed to lots of obvious jokes.

@Pineappleskies I definitely didn’t mean you come across as shy or a wallflower type. Quite the opposite but big characters can often seem needy too.

Have you asked anyone what they think? Like the observation I made about my friend. She just didn’t see it but it was obvious to me.

If you are good at comedy and humour, then you might suit men who are also better than average on that trait.
Blokes who are only average on that trait might be intimidated by you, as they believe it to be an exclusively male trait to be used to make women swoon. IME

Definitely don’t try to be more shy or less funny with men! If they’re that delicate about being outshone it wouldn’t last anyway.

Just to go back to your OP, when you say it turns out you were wrong - do you mean you conclusively found out they never liked you in the first place? (Eg they tell you, or it turns out they were gay, happily married etc) or do you mean they move on and get together with someone else? Because if it’s the latter perhaps their was a mutual attraction and you both just missed the boat somehow.

If you flirt a lot do you think they might just think “oh she’s like this with everyone?”

You sound like an absolute catch so hopefully it’s just a poor run of luck.

There's so many good comments on here. Yes @Opine I see what you mean. I guess I'm trying to get a reaction, instead of being chilled, which is needy.

Definitely i can use humour to build intimacy initially but I guess yes after a bit of can be a barrier to it.

My friends are useless as they all just say I'm amazing and the guys must be idiots...because they're trying to be nice friends 😆

What tends to happen is the guys tell me they were NEVER interested in me that way yet mutual friends / acquaintances have been surprised at this given their behaviour.

I think I should try and be a bit less performative.

This has been really helpful.