Anxiety around Christmas

[wowmummy]

Ok trying to keep this really brief. We decided last year this Christmas we want to go away for a 3 nights over the 'main' days. We felt this because all we did was people please everyone even though we had three children to haul around etc in the freaking cold no one bothered to come and see us so we thought we are looking after us now like everyone else seems to. Booked a little cottage with a big 12 person hot tub. Kids are going to love it. Anyway told my mum and she lost her shit. Wanted to catch covid to die. Then tried to starve herself (she's diabetic) and not sleep to end up in hospital. Told the whole family not to speak to me because of how she felt. Told me the kids would be happier with her and I'm kidnapping them. When I got upset she said well you shouldn't be upset you got what you wanted, you've destroyed Christmas and that I'll know what it feels like when my grandchildren are ripped away from me. Anyway she's booked 10 days away now over Christmas which I said sounds amazing on a hot beach on Christmas Day. Now she's started saying she needs new photos of the kids to take away on holiday so she can look at them on holiday. I replied that she can FaceTime anytime but she said she can't as it 'won't be the same'

So anyway Christmas is fast approaching! And my anxiety is setting in as to how she's going to leave. It's not me and DH she's bothered about it's the kids but I don't want her to upset them. What do we do? Keep it short and sweet? I offered to do something big at new year instead but she wasn't interested so that was the end of that. She's taking the kids to the pantomime on the 29th though. Do we say see her after santas been when going to the panto?? I don't know whether to expect her crying or happy or what

Any help greatly appreciated! X

Bloody hell. Yeah, see her after santa has been. Don't let her have a big dramatic goodbye.

What a ridiculous way for your mum to have reacted! Is that normal for her or did it come completely out of the blue? If it came out of the blue I'd be sitting her down and having an honest chat with her. It's fine to be disappointed at not seeing the grandkids on Christmas day, but she isn't entitled to your Christmas forever and ever with no break! Loads of people do Christmas at different relatives, they just do a nice early or late Christmas day and it's no big deal. Honestly, the dramatics! If it was expected and usual for her then you need to stop dancing to her tune. Shes rocking the boat bc things haven't gone her way and here you are running from side to side trying to keep things steady. If you want to go and see her, and it's convenient, then just go whenever works for you. If you don't, just reiterate your invitation for new years and if that isn't acceptable you can just shrug and say okay.

Yes not let her have a dramatic goodbye is a good idea

No it wasn't that expected but I did want to pull away a bit and explained why. After she upset me so much and she kept trying to ring me, DH told her she had upset me and I didn't want to talk to her at the minute. She then sent a text saying "look we've both said things we don't mean etc..." I never replied to that as I haven't said anything I don't mean. I haven't been personal with my comments or nasty. I did ask her if at 34 she asked permission to have a Christmas without my grandad. And she said it was different 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would keep yourselves well away from your mother now and particularly if this is her usual way of behaving towards you. Such overt emotional manipulation should be ignored entirely and not at all rewarded.

Your mother has no filter nor any sense of boundaries. Her apology was anything but; she maintains you are at fault here.

Do not reply to any of her messages; doing so is a response and to such disordered of thinking people that is the reward. Emotionally healthy people do not ever act like your mother has done here.

Is your mother always such a manipulative piece of work!?

I've got no time for nonsense like this, I hate when adults behave so badly, she'd be getting no truck from me for this BS.

OP I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family in the hot tub, don't let any guilt from your mother spoil it for you, I think it's wonderful that you've taken matters into your hands to provide a nice Christmas this year after what happened last year - did your mother care then??

This is a good analogy about boat rocking:

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

OP. This is the 3rd thread today about your MIL, all on different boards with different combinations of info.

I can't help feel you would get better advice if you wrote one post in relationships that covered the key issues rather than spreading them around the boards.

You seem to have an issue with your MIL not being involved exactly as you want.
That said going away for Xmas seems like a lot of hassle. How are you going to transport all their presents! (Plus I'm not sure little ones are safe in hot tubs).

Sorry, Mum not MIL.

The fact too that your mother shows far more attention to your eldest son than to your twin daughters is also a red flag that cannot be denied or minimised. Such favouritism will damage their sibling relationship going forward. He is being set up here to be her golden child whilst your DDs are the scapegoats.

I am astonished that you are happy for this psychotic person to have any interaction with your children whatsoever. Bi wouldn’t want her within a 5mins radius of my children

The other the we as you have just started

So I have three children DS age 5, twin DDs age 3. My mum showers my son with love (doesn't really give a shit about the girls) when she sees him.

you are failing your daughters op by subjecting them to this person

This gave me chills! Dealing with an abusive mother with a diagnosed personality disorder making hell for the family at the moment - I needed to read this. Thank you.

OP - your mum's behaviour is beyond abusive. I think you need a lot of space and some pretty firm boundaries in place. If you keep trying to placate her you are protecting her from the natural consequences of her actions. If anyone else treated you the way she has, would you be offering to facetime them over Christmas and worrying about making it up to them at new year?

Just don't give in to the emotional blackmail. Enjoy your Christmas on your own & maybe catch up with your mother sometime in January - but only if she behaves herself!

You’re worried about upsetting her while she’s saying things that are so abusive they’re beyond disgusting and completely unforgivable.

No grandmother is far far better than one this horrifically toxic. Protect your children from the inevitable damage she’ll do to them. You’re her child, knowing you’d never behave towards them as she does to you is surely sign enough that you need to distance all of you from her.

She’s certifiable. Protect your children.

What an awful mother you have!

Yes the FaceTime etc is to make her feel better and so is the pantomime

Another classic of my mums, that I now don't do is she used to make me feel guilty if I took the kids for a pub lunch or something and she wasn't invited. I've wised up to that now and ignore her

She lives with my dad and sister who's 25 though. Not like she's alone

Am I a stabiliser though by trying to keep her happy??

God help me

*Am I a stabiliser though by trying to keep her happy??

God help me*

Never mind God, MN is here.

Your mum sounds insane OP :-(

I think you are wise to learn to set boundaries and ignore her behaviour when possible. You need to protect your kids and also yourself from her over the top manipulative behaviour! None of you deserve to be subjected to that and you can't fix her.

Head over to the "But we took you to stately homes ..." thread as you may find it useful to talk to others dealing with similar!!

Dear OP, please remember that it's not your job to make other people happy! Each of us is responsible for our own happiness.

Needing new pictures because she's going to be away for 10 days? how much does she expect them to change, FGS?

Crackers.

Oh, and as for 'saying things I didn't mean...' you don't know what she meant. You only know what she said - which was pretty bloody unpleasant, manipulative and designed to upset you.

😂👍

Just told DH and saying is it normal and comparing our mums, DHs mum had a tough upbringing and not well off. My mum was ok and we have a wealthy family but DHs mum is much more 'normal' and accepting of our choices. She will message and say when is a good day for us to meet up around Christmas so we can spend the day with you. No drama. So even with a flawed upbringing and abusive, bullying relationships she still seems to be the normal person!

Also that's a brilliant analogy from Attila.

You can't change her and it's not your job to keep her stable or make her happy. But I know it's not a simple situation to deal with.

There are some great books and websites out there for "dealing with toxic parents" and lots of people on MN with relevant experience.

Your family is going to have a great holiday away from the drama!

OP

really, why, why are you subjecting your children to this person?