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Original poster

Anxiety around Christmas

29 replies

wowmummy · 18/11/2022 07:22

Ok trying to keep this really brief. We decided last year this Christmas we want to go away for a 3 nights over the 'main' days. We felt this because all we did was people please everyone even though we had three children to haul around etc in the freaking cold no one bothered to come and see us so we thought we are looking after us now like everyone else seems to. Booked a little cottage with a big 12 person hot tub. Kids are going to love it. Anyway told my mum and she lost her shit. Wanted to catch covid to die. Then tried to starve herself (she's diabetic) and not sleep to end up in hospital. Told the whole family not to speak to me because of how she felt. Told me the kids would be happier with her and I'm kidnapping them. When I got upset she said well you shouldn't be upset you got what you wanted, you've destroyed Christmas and that I'll know what it feels like when my grandchildren are ripped away from me. Anyway she's booked 10 days away now over Christmas which I said sounds amazing on a hot beach on Christmas Day. Now she's started saying she needs new photos of the kids to take away on holiday so she can look at them on holiday. I replied that she can FaceTime anytime but she said she can't as it 'won't be the same'

So anyway Christmas is fast approaching! And my anxiety is setting in as to how she's going to leave. It's not me and DH she's bothered about it's the kids but I don't want her to upset them. What do we do? Keep it short and sweet? I offered to do something big at new year instead but she wasn't interested so that was the end of that. She's taking the kids to the pantomime on the 29th though. Do we say see her after santas been when going to the panto?? I don't know whether to expect her crying or happy or what

Any help greatly appreciated! X

OP posts:
Gumreduction · 18/11/2022 15:54

. Wanted to catch covid to die. Then tried to starve herself (she's diabetic) and not sleep to end up in hospital. Told the whole family not to speak to me because of how she felt. Told me the kids would be happier with her and I'm kidnapping them

She sounds completely and utterly unhinged

Migoodness · 18/11/2022 16:11

As someone old enough to be your mum I’d expect to receive and I’d fully deserve the treatment described by Attila if I behaved like her.
Stop pandering to her tantrums. Tell her with conviction what you’re planning, making it absolutely clear it’s not up for discussion. Even if it inconveniences you, stick to your guns.

Notmyyearthisyear · 18/11/2022 16:18

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/11/2022 07:53

This is a good analogy about boat rocking:

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

spot on

Original poster
wowmummy · 18/11/2022 17:55

I think the unhinged but is a part of it, no one wants her to capsize and everyone helps not to tip the boat over. She plays vulnerable well

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