Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH making plans - where do I fit?

44 replies

twohomesneeded · 17/11/2022 21:53

DH and I together for 20 years, two teenage kids. DH moved out of the town he was born in to go 200 miles away to Uni then stayed for work prospects. He settled there and it's where we met.

We're in our 50s now, both with elderly parents - mine in the same town we live in, his 200 miles away. DH has told me today that in the near future he can see himself moving back to be with his parents to be there for them - but where does that leave me? He has said about me moving with him, but then I leave my elderly parents behind. I also told him I wanted to be close to the kids should they settle locally. If they move away for work/relationships, it's their choice, but I wouldn't leave them (one of our children is ASD but very high functioning).

It's absolutely sent me in a tailspin that he is thinking this way, effectively ending our marriage to be with his parents.

Any advice?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 17/11/2022 21:57

He doesn't get the point of a marriage does he? How do you two get on?

Santagiveyoursackawash · 17/11/2022 21:59

Well be thankful he isn't roping you in to care for them.. Imo ending it on your terms now is a better idea...
He isn't very nice is he?

PottyDottyDotPot · 17/11/2022 21:59

Have you spoke to him about this?

Wakemeup17 · 17/11/2022 22:00

Well why do you get to be with your parents and he doesn't? What would be a possible compromise?
(I'm asking as I am in sort of your husbands position).

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 17/11/2022 22:01

I think there’s different ways of looking at it…

  1. he’s being considerate to his parents but maybe he could encourage them to move nearer you?
  2. he wants a different life to you and doesn’t know how to tell you
  3. He’s giving you the opportunity to be with the kids and you could have ‘date weekends’ instead

i hope you manage to work it out

PinkPrettyAndPointed · 17/11/2022 22:04

How did the conversation go when you said but you need to stay for your elderly parents?

Dh and I live near my DP and I've been very clear that I won't be leaving here until they've both passed on. We've only just returned to my home country after years living near his.

But dh has 2 sisters who live very close to his DP so they're not on their own.

category12 · 17/11/2022 22:08

Would his parents contemplate moving closer to you?

Has he always wanted to go back to his home town?

JestersTear · 17/11/2022 23:40

Is there a compromise to move somewhere equally distant from both sets of parents?

SandyY2K · 18/11/2022 00:08

Does he have any siblings? If so, do they live in his hometown?

I don't think this has to be marriage ending. You can spend time in both towns, once you sort our 2 homes in both locations.

Quiegal · 18/11/2022 01:39

twohomesneeded · 17/11/2022 21:53

DH and I together for 20 years, two teenage kids. DH moved out of the town he was born in to go 200 miles away to Uni then stayed for work prospects. He settled there and it's where we met.

We're in our 50s now, both with elderly parents - mine in the same town we live in, his 200 miles away. DH has told me today that in the near future he can see himself moving back to be with his parents to be there for them - but where does that leave me? He has said about me moving with him, but then I leave my elderly parents behind. I also told him I wanted to be close to the kids should they settle locally. If they move away for work/relationships, it's their choice, but I wouldn't leave them (one of our children is ASD but very high functioning).

It's absolutely sent me in a tailspin that he is thinking this way, effectively ending our marriage to be with his parents.

Any advice?

My DP dropped that he would like a job working away. I know it's not the same but you think your not single.

Think if he thinking like that you will have to say think we have to split up then.

It's just selfishness I get him want to looking after his elderly parents but he hasn't thought of you at all. If a man making a decision like they surely should consider their wife/partner not themselves.

emptythelitterbox · 18/11/2022 05:53

Have either of you thought about if you really want to spend your retirement looking after elderly parents or it is just expected?

GreyCarpet · 18/11/2022 06:00

I don't have elderly parents to consider nor a 20 year marriage but it seems to me that he only wants for himself and his parents what you already have for yours.

Presumably, the 200 mile distance means you've all seen a lot more of your parents over the years than his. He may be feeling guilty about this or feeling a need to be closer to them as they're getting older.

Have you actually talked about it properly?

ZekeZeke · 18/11/2022 06:06

Suggest he goes on a trial period on his own.
He won't last a week.

girlmom21 · 18/11/2022 06:13

You need to sit down properly and discuss your options because he's completely justified in wanting to be there for his elderly parents.

Arrivederla · 18/11/2022 07:00

In the nicest possible way, why are you coming on here to ask the advice of a bunch of strangers before talking to him about it?? 😯(Assuming you haven't had the convo and just not mentioned it in your post).

A very serious discussion needs to be had very soon! I understand that he wants to support his parents, but he doesn't just get to make a unilateral decision like that.

Dery · 18/11/2022 07:13

“it seems to me that he only wants for himself and his parents what you already have for yours.

Presumably, the 200 mile distance means you've all seen a lot more of your parents over the years than his. He may be feeling guilty about this or feeling a need to be closer to them as they're getting older.”

This. It sounds like everything’s been the way that suits you throughout your marriage and you appear to be saying things have to stay exactly as they are for you. Perhaps that’s why he hasn’t tried to discuss it with you - because he knows what answer he will get. But why should all the compromise come from him? Perhaps you could move equidistant or perhaps his parents could move closer to you?

Ilikewinter · 18/11/2022 07:26

I understand your DH .... I moved 80 miles to live in DH city nearly 25 years ago. My PIL have now passed away and I want to move back to my home city to spend time with my aging parents. DH has refused, im bitter about it as he spent literally every weekend with his mum for the last 2 years of her life and I want quality time with my parents now.
So I do understand your DH desire to move, however life isnt that simple!.

HikingforScenery · 18/11/2022 07:31

girlmom21 · 18/11/2022 06:13

You need to sit down properly and discuss your options because he's completely justified in wanting to be there for his elderly parents.

I agree with this.
it would be very unfair of you not to want to move half way because you want to be close to your parents. What about his?

PermanentTemporary · 18/11/2022 07:34

Maybe he feels bottom of your list and like he moved 200 miles for you and you've never reciprocated.

GooseberryJam · 18/11/2022 07:37

JestersTear · 17/11/2022 23:40

Is there a compromise to move somewhere equally distant from both sets of parents?

That would also be a nightmare. 100 miles from both sets of parents would be the worst of all worlds as you can't be there day to day for either of them then.

Would his parents move closer to you? That would surely be the ideal? I notice lots of suggestions about you moving but none about the parents.

layladomino · 18/11/2022 07:38

I understand his position. You've lived close to your parents for many years and wouldn't want to leave them now they are getting older. Understandably he has the same concerns about his parents getting older. As life happens, you make new plans based on your circumstances.

GrumpyPanda · 18/11/2022 07:40

Dery · 18/11/2022 07:13

“it seems to me that he only wants for himself and his parents what you already have for yours.

Presumably, the 200 mile distance means you've all seen a lot more of your parents over the years than his. He may be feeling guilty about this or feeling a need to be closer to them as they're getting older.”

This. It sounds like everything’s been the way that suits you throughout your marriage and you appear to be saying things have to stay exactly as they are for you. Perhaps that’s why he hasn’t tried to discuss it with you - because he knows what answer he will get. But why should all the compromise come from him? Perhaps you could move equidistant or perhaps his parents could move closer to you?

Maybe try reading the OP. He didn't move where they are now as some sort of favour to OP. He moved there for uni then work, they only met subsequently and it's where they've stayed.

OP - it's alarming he doesn't discuss your joint plans but talks as though you're not a unit anymore. Have you reacted at all, and what dies he say to that?

MichelleScarn · 18/11/2022 07:41

Dery · 18/11/2022 07:13

“it seems to me that he only wants for himself and his parents what you already have for yours.

Presumably, the 200 mile distance means you've all seen a lot more of your parents over the years than his. He may be feeling guilty about this or feeling a need to be closer to them as they're getting older.”

This. It sounds like everything’s been the way that suits you throughout your marriage and you appear to be saying things have to stay exactly as they are for you. Perhaps that’s why he hasn’t tried to discuss it with you - because he knows what answer he will get. But why should all the compromise come from him? Perhaps you could move equidistant or perhaps his parents could move closer to you?

Also agree with this. Why is it 'selfish' his wanting to care for for his parents but not op for the same for hers?

TheMatlockMangle · 18/11/2022 07:45

I'm surprised at these responses. It suited him well enough to move 200 miles from his parents and to happily build a life away from them. He then met you when you were both in your 30s. You weren't responsible for him living 200 miles from his parents. You did not move away from your parents and you now have teenagers who have their schools, friends and hobbies where you live now. So he suddenly says he's moving to be near his parents and you and your DC are just supposed to totally fine with that and just upsticks? He's happy to move 200 miles from his teenage DC? Bugger that. If he goes he goes, but you stay put.

Original poster
twohomesneeded · 18/11/2022 12:13

Thanks everyone for the responses so far. I fear this being picked up by the press (DM I’m looking at you) and being identified so will have to be careful with my answers.

Asking his parents to uproot themselves from their hometown when they are in their 80s and lived there all their lives would be unfair. I'm pretty sure they would refuse and look at us like we were mad! (His parents have no idea about what he is planning.)

As I said previously, my focus is absolutely staying where my kids need me (if you have a DC with SEN you will know how much stability and support is needed for them). I don't want to move away from them (DH is planning his move away in about 5 years) and repeat this all over again. I feel for DH but I can't face sacrificing my own parents and our kids for his parents (or his own guilt over leaving?!?).

I’m not sure I can see a compromise that keeps us both happy and therefore I posted here in case others have gone through similar and how it worked out for them.

OP posts: