DH making plans - where do I fit?

[twohomesneeded]

DH and I together for 20 years, two teenage kids. DH moved out of the town he was born in to go 200 miles away to Uni then stayed for work prospects. He settled there and it's where we met.

We're in our 50s now, both with elderly parents - mine in the same town we live in, his 200 miles away. DH has told me today that in the near future he can see himself moving back to be with his parents to be there for them - but where does that leave me? He has said about me moving with him, but then I leave my elderly parents behind. I also told him I wanted to be close to the kids should they settle locally. If they move away for work/relationships, it's their choice, but I wouldn't leave them (one of our children is ASD but very high functioning).

It's absolutely sent me in a tailspin that he is thinking this way, effectively ending our marriage to be with his parents.

Any advice?

The fact that he wants to move to be helpful to his parents is not the issue. To me, the issue is that the way you've written your OP it has been presented to you as his definitive, must-be-done plan with no consideration regarding you.

It's the difference between
"H has told me today that in the near future he can see himself moving back to be with his parents to be there for them"
and
"@twohomesneeded I really feel like I need to be more available to my parents as they get older. Let's talk about what the options might be."

It seems as though you have taken the stance that it is unreasonable for him to want in 25 exactly what you will have had for 25 years. Your SEN adult child will be 5 years older and may be far more capable of adapting and transitioning than you are giving them credit for being.

In 5 years, so much can change, in fairness to your husband , you should be open to at least considering his position.

Initially I thought it was a very strange way for him to bring this up, as in a sudden announcement and “you can come if you want”. But with your update, it seems that you are not open to even considering it and I would guess that he knows this and hence his approach. You and your parents are the only people that matter in your head. Selfish.

I wonder if his parents are just an excuse for him to move on. If you go YOU will be the eventual carer.

I would not move for those reasons.

hav you asked him what he thinks will happen to your marriage? Tbh 5 years for elderly parents is a long Ryan’s anything could happen. Maybe it’s his way of making peace with this, as in he has intentions of looking after them ?

To me this sounds like more of a hypothetical "what would I do if my parents needed more care as they got older" musing, rather than a tangible plan to move.

His parent might not need care. Or want him to move. Your parents might not need care. Your DC might move to the same place as DH's parents. Your DC might move somewhere entirely different and suggest you move closer (possibly to help with their future children). Too many unknowns at this point for this it be more than the start of a "what if" conversation.

I understand his POV because I can see myself doing the same at some stage.

It doesn't mean the end of the marriage - you can still be married and temporarily not living together, it's just that his DPs need him - for a while - more than you do. To leave him for that seems pretty cruel.

If they're in their 80s and he's not planning to move for another 5 years, without sounding crass, he might not need to.

Stop being over dramatic OP, he has every right to look after his parents as do you. Why do your parents get priority?
You will have to find a compromise.
One set of parents has to move or else you all move to a different location.

For now I’d probably go with the answer of “We can talk about this nearer the time”. In five years so much can change. I have two children with Sen (one might be independent with a lot of support, the other won’t be at all) and we’ll be planning our lives around their needs.

How much washing/cooking/life admin/home making etc does he do? If the answer is not much let him trial it for a month and see what happens before you worry too much..........

His parents are in their 80s. Let's say he goes there in five years' time and they die within the following five years.

Where will he live then?

It's not the end of the world for a husband and wife to live apart for a few years. You stay in the family home and he rents near his parents or moves in with them. Plenty of couples do it for work reasons. DH used to take year-long contracts abroad while I stayed at home. Admittedly it was easier before DC and tougher when we had small DC, but your DC are grown up so it's less intensive.

Has he acknowledged that moving house without your spouse is ending the marriage? Does he love you?

Well you are both in a difficult position at the moment but if you have a good marriage, there will be a compromise I'm sure.

You are talking about what your DH is thinking of doing FIVE YEARS from now. At least one set of parents are already in their 80's, You haven't said what age your parents are and whether his parents are early or late 80's and you haven't said what age your teenage children are or how much day to day care your SEN child needs or what their likely ability will be to live independently. Will at least one of them be at Uni or College in 5 years time? Who knows what the actual situation all round may be in 5 years time? All or some of the Elderly parents health may mean they are in a care home or, sadly no longer here. It may become evident exactly what the needs are and may be something totally different to what you are envisaging now

Discuss with your DH potential compromises if it turns out that in 5 years time you BOTH need to be close by to care for your parents and if your SEN child is going to be able to live independently or needs to live at home for the foreseeable future well into adulthood. At some point that SEN child may need to move into some kind of 'assisted living'. What happens with your jobs if you are both working? Could one of you stay with parents a few days every week and see each other at weekends etc. if you had to stay apart because of the elderly relatives. My own late Mother was 93 when she died this Summer - but right up until she was nearly 90 she was able to look after herself, drive a car and get about places - even go on holiday in the countryside by herself. The needs of the elderly, while generally all following the same pattern vary enormously in the age at which these needs occur

I understand where you are coming from, and it is good to be prepared, but your DH is perfectly within his rights to be concerned about how his parents are going to manage ( as you are about yours ) and maybe want to see more of them as they get older and become less fit.

At this stage I think it has come as a shock to you that maybe the time may come for you to have to move is looming and you don't like the idea ( totally understandable), but your DH has at least told you what he he is thinking and, as I say, if you have a good marriage, there will be a way when the time comes to arrange things. Be open to the fact that moving may be best for all concerned in 5 years time, and if it isn't think about what options could help everyone cope

I'd be playing along with it. The selfish sod.
It's just so rude and selfish (or just plain thick) to be making plans out loud without saying 'we' he is saying 'I' this and 'I' that.
You should go along with it and say 'well make sure and let me know in good time when you want to separate because we'll need to work out about the joint finances then. I'll be staying here in the family home obviously'.

It's a bit weird that you are having this conversation with us and not even addressing it with him.
Does he always say 'I' about things? Like 'I'll be going on holidays to Italy next year'.

Can't you just have an LDR for a few years? Could be refreshing.

I am kind of on your husbands side too as I was in the same situation. I had moved around for my husbands work from my early 20's, and my parents had zero care need at that point, but once I reached my early 40s and I realised that I might only have another 5-10 years left with my parents and I was living in my husbands home country I suddenly became desparate to move back home. To me they are not just some older people who needs care, they are two of the most important people in my life and I knew there was a finite amount of time left and I wanted to see them, talk to them, and just be able to pop in for a coffee on my way home from work etc. My H refused to move with me and he refused to let me move on my own and sort of split my time in between the two countries, so in the end I realised he was just being a selfish twat and I left. So after just over 20 years together I am now back at home, living in the same city as my parents and siblings and I am making up for lost time, and I don't miss him one iota.

It sounds to me a though he was opening a discussion. Would you rather he kept us true feelings to himself?

Treat this as a conversation that can be picked up and mulled over as and when.

I think it's important that he knows you're listening to him.

Equally, it's important he knows you feel as though he's considering changing the very foundation of your relationship.

Talk to each other. Don't dismiss each other's point of view. This is another stage in your relationship that needs to be considered, planned and agreed.

Listen to him.