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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting to this?

27 replies

thesegoto11 · 17/11/2022 21:00

My husband and I have been together near enough 10 years, and not once has he ever done this. One of my relationships before I met DH was with someone physically and emotionally abusive which took me a long time to get over so I get triggered quite easily I guess.

DH was in a bad mood before his night shift; he was tired and blamed me for not eating anything that day (I was out all day with our baby) and when he walked past me, he purposefully shoved me out the way as I was in the way. It wasn’t a strong push but enough to know that it was on purpose and not nice. I asked him why he shoved me out the way and he said “you were in my way”

I brought it up with him the next day and he eventually apologised and said he wouldn’t do it again, he was tired and in a bad mood, but I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong. Or am I being OTT

OP posts:
Original poster
thesegoto11 · 17/11/2022 21:01

I didn’t realise I was in the way btw for further context and he didn’t give me a chance to move

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/11/2022 21:02

There's no excuse for shoving anyone out the way especially not your partner. I don't think you overreacted

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/11/2022 21:03

Woah op, you are not being OTT, this is totally out of order. You and he need to talk seriously about what’s going on. This could escalate if you are not careful.

TabithaTittlemouse · 17/11/2022 21:04

He’s a dickhead.
Of course it’s wrong. Would he do it to his boss?

Onnabugeisha · 17/11/2022 21:04

You haven’t over-reacted at all. You were right to bring it up, and he was right to apologise. He needs to keep his promise not to do it again though. This isn’t the sort of thing you can tolerate a repeat of.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2022 21:04

You’re not overreacting at all. I’d be appalled and horrified if DH did that to me. And he’s a bloody adult, he can feed himself, that’s a pathetic access for physically shoving you.

Original poster
thesegoto11 · 17/11/2022 21:11

I’m in shock really, he’s never laid a hand on me in that way before ever. And he knows full well about my previous relationship. Feeling really upset about it all.

OP posts:
Oujiawoowoo · 17/11/2022 21:12

That he blamed you for the fact that he’d not eaten all day is almost as bad, if not as bad, as the shoving. This suggests he has form for making everything your fault when things don’t go his way?

Is this your first baby together? Abuse often ramps up after women have a child and they think they’ve got you nice and vulnerable. I wouldn’t be nice about this OP - id be telling him it was absolutely inexcusable and that you’ll leave him if he ever lays a finger on you aggressively again.

Original poster
thesegoto11 · 17/11/2022 21:16

Oujiawoowoo · 17/11/2022 21:12

That he blamed you for the fact that he’d not eaten all day is almost as bad, if not as bad, as the shoving. This suggests he has form for making everything your fault when things don’t go his way?

Is this your first baby together? Abuse often ramps up after women have a child and they think they’ve got you nice and vulnerable. I wouldn’t be nice about this OP - id be telling him it was absolutely inexcusable and that you’ll leave him if he ever lays a finger on you aggressively again.

This is our first baby together and he’s been struggling with it to be honest as he misses our old life despite loving our baby.
I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking, and he doesn’t really appreciate how much I do and doesn’t respect how hard it is with a baby. He’s always been lazy and I foolishly believed he would step up and help more. But that’s another story really and now this feels like another thing that I’m not happy with him about.
I’ve told him I won’t tolerate if he does it again.

OP posts:
Oujiawoowoo · 17/11/2022 21:31

Yes, it sounds like he’s one of those men who wants you all to himself and is now spitting his dummy out bc your baby is now your priority (as it should be).

Tell a friend or family member about this OP, just in case. Hopefully it’s a one-off but don’t let him minimise it - I have 4 dcs with my dh and though we’ve had our problems he has never in 20 years touched me in anger. And if he did he’d be out the door so fast his head would spin! You’re a new mum with a little baby, HIS baby - he should be your protector - instead he’s being jealous and aggressive. I would talk to someone in RL, don’t feel you need to keep it in. Look after yourself sweetheart 💐

AreWeThereYet69 · 17/11/2022 21:52

No you're not overreacting in the slightest.
That's not right at all.
Sorry you've been treated that way

category12 · 17/11/2022 22:16

I'd be seriously concerned that this is the beginning of physical abuse in the relationship. Maybe you're not willing to end it over this, but it generally starts with smallish incidents that escalate. And when you put up with the small incidents, it somehow gets normalised and keeps happening.

Along with the blaming of you for not eating and disrespectful laziness - well, it's not great, is it?

Dotcheck · 17/11/2022 22:24

I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking, and he doesn’t really appreciate how much I do and doesn’t respect how hard it is with a baby. He’s always been lazy and I foolishly believed he would step up and help more. But that’s another story

No, it’s all part of the same story:
+He’s lazy
+He blames you for his shortcomings / laziness
+He ‘struggles’ with you focussing on the baby
+He is physically abusive

This is all part of the same issue. He lacks respect. He isn’t a fully functioning, mature adult.

3487642l · 18/11/2022 01:13

Being shoved is a red flag. The way he responded is a red flag. The only way for him to undo those red flags is a very sincere, remorseful conversation in which he fully acknowledges it wasn't okay and takes full responsibility for the impact on you - especially since you've experienced abuse previously. And for him to carry this awareness and act with care towards you. If he can't do any of this without prompting and cajoling you need to leave as he is unsafe.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2022 01:23

I’ve told him I won’t tolerate if he does it again.

You had better mean this, or you will be facing more and more abuse. What he's done is completely unacceptable, and personally, I wouldn't tolerate this even once. It is very common for some abusive men to start their abuse after a baby is born.

Teaandtoast35 · 18/11/2022 01:52

I agree with @Dotcheck, this is all the same story. But I think the story is:

this is a controlling man. I’ve been with someone similar for 5 years and only just woken up to his behaviour after posting on MN and also reading a MN recommended book, Why Does He Do That?

-the baby means that he is not the most powerful person in the house + not in control of everything
-he isn’t “lazy”, it’s that he does not want to do the work and if he lazes about you do it, and even if you get annoyed about it, that’s what he prefers. He’s quite happy to be called “lazy” because it shows you haven’t realised actually it’s “manipulative”
-he was physically abusive after having a baby, never having been before. Controlling men ratchet up the abuse after you are more tied to them and they are more sure you won’t leave.
-he apologised after you had told him that was what you needed. Notice: he did not apologise beforehand. When you came to him, the annoyance of having you there speaking to him made it more inconvenient to not apologise than to apologise. So he apologised and then you stopped bothering him.
-he blames you for everything. This is the part I find it hard to get my head round (I should reread the book as it explained this well). So, I think it goes like this: his feelings are more important than anything. He is hungry and irritable. Your feelings don’t matter. But his feelings are so important he has to express them to/at you.

lastly, is he blaming you because you usually make the food? He may be “Demand Man” in the book - constantly demanding things of you and then demanding more and more, seeing you as a service. This was my DP’s issue.

3487642l · 18/11/2022 02:39

Teaandtoast35 · 18/11/2022 01:52

I agree with @Dotcheck, this is all the same story. But I think the story is:

this is a controlling man. I’ve been with someone similar for 5 years and only just woken up to his behaviour after posting on MN and also reading a MN recommended book, Why Does He Do That?

-the baby means that he is not the most powerful person in the house + not in control of everything
-he isn’t “lazy”, it’s that he does not want to do the work and if he lazes about you do it, and even if you get annoyed about it, that’s what he prefers. He’s quite happy to be called “lazy” because it shows you haven’t realised actually it’s “manipulative”
-he was physically abusive after having a baby, never having been before. Controlling men ratchet up the abuse after you are more tied to them and they are more sure you won’t leave.
-he apologised after you had told him that was what you needed. Notice: he did not apologise beforehand. When you came to him, the annoyance of having you there speaking to him made it more inconvenient to not apologise than to apologise. So he apologised and then you stopped bothering him.
-he blames you for everything. This is the part I find it hard to get my head round (I should reread the book as it explained this well). So, I think it goes like this: his feelings are more important than anything. He is hungry and irritable. Your feelings don’t matter. But his feelings are so important he has to express them to/at you.

lastly, is he blaming you because you usually make the food? He may be “Demand Man” in the book - constantly demanding things of you and then demanding more and more, seeing you as a service. This was my DP’s issue.

Wow. An excellent explanation.

Guavafish1 · 18/11/2022 04:35

be careful this behaviour don’t escalate

I would sit down and talk to him about his current behaviour and attitude. Have a low threshold for leaving if he is physical again

FinallyHere · 18/11/2022 08:09

Great explanation from @teaandtoastwithmarmite

Here is a link to a PDF copy of the Lundy Bancroft book.

ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It is best to know with what you are dealing, rather than think he just had some weaknesses. Congratulations on your baby and good luck.

TurtleTriplets · 18/11/2022 08:13

My abusive husband started by shoving me. I was pregnant, a new baby often sparks abuse in a relationship.

It started with a push and escalated slowly but surely until I was in hospital getting my head stitched back together. This is what they do, they push the boundaries, you accept it because you think oh a push isn't worth breaking up over. Then throwing something at you, well it wasn't at your face, then it's a kick but that's not much worse, you rationalise each thing away as it's not much worse than what you are already putting up with.

Please think about leaving this relationship.

Watchkeys · 18/11/2022 09:31

He’s always been lazy and I foolishly believed he would step up and help more. But that’s another story

No, it's not. It's more of the same story, and that story is that he upsets you, and you push the upset aside and minimise it, because you worry you're wrong to be upset.

You're never wrong to be upset. You can't be. There's no official list of what we're allowed to be upset about. Someone might, for example, get upset when their partner ate a yoghurt, because their abuser used to eat a yoghurt before abusing them. It would make complete sense, but if you disrespect your right to your own feelings, you'd minimise it and pretend it wasn't there, for fear of being 'wrong' to feel it.

I wonder what else your husband does that upsets you, and you disrespect your own emotional response? Can you list the things he does that upset you, either on a post here, or on a piece of paper, or even in your head? It sounds like there's a lot going on that pisses you off.

OldFan · 19/11/2022 18:03

watchkeys- Op's feeling that her partner being physically violent to her is not ok, is not subjective. Objectively, physical abuse, or any abuse, is not ok.

Watchkeys · 19/11/2022 22:11

OldFan · 19/11/2022 18:03

watchkeys- Op's feeling that her partner being physically violent to her is not ok, is not subjective. Objectively, physical abuse, or any abuse, is not ok.

I agree. Not sure why you're telling me this, when my point is 'If you don't like it, get away from it, regardless of whether anybody else says it's ok or not.'

'Abuse is not ok' is very difficult to apply to your own situation when you don't know whether something is abuse or not. Buying someone a rat and bringing it home to them would be kind if you were a rat lover, but abusive if you'd had panic attacks and nightmares about rats for the preceding months. Is buying someone a rat as a pet abusive? It depends on the feelings of the receiver, and it's up to the receiver to decide if it's abusive to them or not.

'It's abuse! It's not ok!' is fine, as long as you have a conclusive list of what's abusive and what isn't. We don't have a list.

AnonymousA1 · 16/04/2023 09:06

@Watchkeys

telling someone to just leave or they put up with it when your talking about abuse is so unhelpful.

Watchkeys · 16/04/2023 10:19

AnonymousA1 · 16/04/2023 09:06

@Watchkeys

telling someone to just leave or they put up with it when your talking about abuse is so unhelpful.

Thanks for the advice. Ghost thread.