I am expecting too much ?

[Littlecurrantbun]

I am currently suffering from chronic migraine and fatigue.
I can’t hold down a job because one week I am ok and then the next I’m very much not. Dizzy , numb , vision problems , lightheaded, sick etc which can go on for 10 days at a time in varying degrees.
I am being tried on various medications but have been told that there probably won’t be a complete resolve of it but an improvement.

dh works full time. There is only the two of us, our children are now adults.

I can mostly go at slow pace and keep up with the housework and cooking and i do my best for him but I often have to rest etc.

so,
I have no money. He pays the bills and mortgage and has decided to send some money each week (no discussion ) to my account for me to do an online food shop.
if I need anything else I have to ask him for it.
I feel so demoralised. I don’t expect him to give me any money for enjoyment or luxuries but I had to ask last week for money to see the dentist.
I suggested that I could have a debit card to the account so I wouldn’t have to ask and he absolutely refused and got very nasty about it. I’ve tried several times now and he just gets angry and says I want money when really what I want is not to feel like a child asking dad for cash.

my view is that it doesn’t matter who has the money, that we are a team and should pool everything and should the boot be on the other foot I would not want him to feel crap and have to keep asking for necessities.

I have always been the careful one with money and he spends too much. He says he doesn’t want me telling him off for spending too much and that’s the reason.

so, I can’t afford a pair of socks and he’s just bought himself a nice treat.
is it just my tough luck ? I’ve bought supermarket value basics everything this week just so I can have some left over.

I think that's completely unfair.
Am I being really dramatic to call that financial abuse? Seems it to me

You are being financially abused

Could he be hiding debit from you ? Like he could be massively into his overdraft and doesn't want you to see?

if I ask he will give me what I need.
Hes always been generous but then again he’s always had plenty. Now he hasn’t got as much left over at the end of the month when everything is paid ( due to moving house and cost of living ) and we really need things for the house which is why , when he wanted us to have lunch somewhere a bit pricey I said we shouldn’t and he doesn’t like being told to be thrifty.
he says I’m controlling but really I feel controlled.

Do you get any income from any type of benefits as you're unable to work at all? If you're eligible that should give you some money of your own.

I can understand it might be hard for him to be financially providing for two people on one income at the moment, but that's not a reason for you to be unable to access any money at all - even if he wants to keep a bit separate for "treats" he can do that whilst still giving you enough access to money to live normally. Does he view it as his because he earned it?

You are not being controlling. He’s being very nasty about it as he knows you are not working because you are not well.

Could you become self-employed? Do you have a hobby or something that you could do to earn money from home so that you could work when you felt well enough?

I don't think this is fair at all.
My partner and I pool everything, we always worked that way.
I get bad headaches too and I really feel for you.
I would expect him to be a little more understanding of your situation.
I felt sad when I read your post. He sounds controlling OP.

Have you thought about claiming PIP or ESA ?

You're not expecting too much.

At a calm time, I'd try explaining how you feel about asking for money, and see if he would be amenable to giving you an allowance for a bit of autonomy.

You should have equal access to money, but if he's not going to give that, then I'd push for "pin money" and at least have something while I consider options (for leaving).

At the same time, I'd look at whether you're eligible for any benefits as suggested.

If you're basically trapped by his behaviour, then you need help from domestic abuse services.

You are in an abusive relationship, OP. You really need to realise this. I can't imagine it's just about money, either; financial abuse is usually secondary to emotional and sometimes physical abuse. The financial abuse is emotional abuse in itself, too, because he's making you feel like shit.

Does he make you feel horrible/controlled in ways other than with money? Are you free to go out/see who you want/do what you want/go where you want? Do you feel comfortable with his response when you do?

I don't think you can really expect to present him with the idea of "oh I'm just not going to work again, and I'll have a card for your account too, ta". If you had come to him to have a mutual discussion about it then I wonder if it might have gone better.

Also he might feel that you aren't really showing much enthusiasm about finding a way to contribute to the household. You could be looking into benefits (ESA or PIP) or finding some job that would allow you to work around/through your ill spells.

Presumably he's been right there to understand OP's illness and how it affects her & her work prospects. I think that's quite an unpleasant take on the situation.

It's probably tough on him being the sole earner, but it's not like op has just decided to give up work.

This is rubbish. He's treating himself whilst she can't afford essentials. They're married. Half is hers, and that's the basis, not something OP should have to gently work him towards with careful conversations. He knows she needs more for essentials, and has responded by getting angry with her.

This post constitutes victim blaming. 'He's being horrible to you? He's depriving you of essentials? It's your fault for not discussing it in a way that's to his liking.'

@Littlecurrantbun

He financially abusing you phone women's aid.

Present him with a bill for each meal you cook. A list of charges for your laundry service. A timesheet for vacuuming and dusting.

Op I think you both need to sit down and discuss the situation. Long term this isn’t sustainable as you need access to joint money. Have you applied for benefits as you can’t work? Work out how much you’ll get and then together come up with a plan for household money and spending. Don’t take no as the answer, money needs to be joint.

it's not like op has just decided to give up work.

I'm sure she isn't in this position willingly but the OP mentioned nothing about trying to find any solutions, e.g. self employment, benefit claims, etc. She might have already looked into those but she doesn't mention that in her posts.

He's treating himself whilst she can't afford essentials

That's not really true though, is it? She said that he will give her whatever she asks for, she just doesn't like having to ask for it. And fair enough, no-one would. But she is showing signs of being financial controlling so it wouldn't be advisable for them to have a shared account.

This simply isn't what marriage is about. "In sickness and in health..." It's supposed to be a partnership where both partners look out for each other and work towards a common goal!

@Littlecurrantbun - have you only recently developed these symptoms? Have you had a thorough neurological evaluation and diagnostic investigations, including MRI......Are your doctors sure it's just migraine?

SHE is showing signs of being financially controlling?! When she has no access to money, has to ask him if she needs anything?

You're accusing her of being controlling on the basis of her questioning going to an expensive place for lunch when they're on a reduced income?

You're accusing her of being controlling on the basis of her questioning going to an expensive place for lunch when they're on a reduced income?

I'm not accusing her of being controlling, I'm saying that she is showing signs of it. So is he. She says that he has literally told her that he feels she is being controlling, which means a red flag has been raised and she needs to take a hard look at her behaviour. Yes, again, same for him, but he isn't posting on this thread. She admits that she thinks he spends "too much" despite being able to afford it. And yes, the example of the restaurant shows this - she told him how to spend his/their money on a thing he would like because she does not want him to, even though they would be able to afford it.

The easiest solution of a joint account and shared money isn't going to work here because they have different attitudes towards spending and saving. The only way this is going to work is if they have a mutual discussion about finances and come to an arrangement that works for both parties. It's not about 'discussing it in a way that's to his liking', it's about recognising that doing it his way or doing it her way aren't going to be sustainable solutions, and they need to find a mutually agreeable and respectful third way,

But he's actually being controlling with money.

He's the one who has all the control and she is reduced to underspending on the grocery shop to have any spending money of her own.

It may be that their attitudes to money are different and that's the initial source of friction, but he's the one exercising power over her.

@Hont1986

If someone is being held around the throat, are they being controlling to try to get free? They are, in that they're trying to control the other person's grip, and yes, in that way, OP could be perceived as controlling.

She could be less controlling only in allowing him to totally dominate. He already has all the power. Are you advising OP that her options are either to be controlling or to capitulate? What do you think the situation should look like? He continues to treat himself whilst OP can't afford socks, and if she expresses displeasure, she's out of order?

How do you think she can be financially controlling when he's the only one who has access to the money?

Your posts make no sense whatsoever, and you clearly have no experience of financial abuse. Take it from those of us who work in the field. You clearly do not.

@Hont1986

She says that he has literally told her that he feels she is being controlling, which means a red flag has been raised and she needs to take a hard look at her behaviour

OP is looking at her behaviour. She has to buy the cheapest brands so that she can buy socks. How much harder do you think she needs to look? 'How big are the holes in your current socks'?

Are you advising OP that her options are either to be controlling or to capitulate? What do you think the situation should look like?

What she wants (a joint account) is never going to be agreeable to either of them in practice because she won't be happy with his spending, and he won't be happy with her trying to control his spending.

I think they need to sit down and work out the cost of the average weekly shop plus extra for regular expenses and some fun money, and set that up as a standing order. That way she can use her money as she sees fit without having to ask permission, but he can use his money as he sees fit without her 'careful' supervision. About £150/wk would work in my situation but obviously up to them to work out themselves.

And the moral of this story is...

Do not marry someone who isn't on the same page re. finances and other boring everyday stuff.

It may be boring, but it can fuck up your life way more than the more 'serious' things