I am expecting too much ?

[Littlecurrantbun]

I am currently suffering from chronic migraine and fatigue.
I can’t hold down a job because one week I am ok and then the next I’m very much not. Dizzy , numb , vision problems , lightheaded, sick etc which can go on for 10 days at a time in varying degrees.
I am being tried on various medications but have been told that there probably won’t be a complete resolve of it but an improvement.

dh works full time. There is only the two of us, our children are now adults.

I can mostly go at slow pace and keep up with the housework and cooking and i do my best for him but I often have to rest etc.

so,
I have no money. He pays the bills and mortgage and has decided to send some money each week (no discussion ) to my account for me to do an online food shop.
if I need anything else I have to ask him for it.
I feel so demoralised. I don’t expect him to give me any money for enjoyment or luxuries but I had to ask last week for money to see the dentist.
I suggested that I could have a debit card to the account so I wouldn’t have to ask and he absolutely refused and got very nasty about it. I’ve tried several times now and he just gets angry and says I want money when really what I want is not to feel like a child asking dad for cash.

my view is that it doesn’t matter who has the money, that we are a team and should pool everything and should the boot be on the other foot I would not want him to feel crap and have to keep asking for necessities.

I have always been the careful one with money and he spends too much. He says he doesn’t want me telling him off for spending too much and that’s the reason.

so, I can’t afford a pair of socks and he’s just bought himself a nice treat.
is it just my tough luck ? I’ve bought supermarket value basics everything this week just so I can have some left over.

@Hont1986

I think they need to sit down and work out the cost of the average weekly shop plus extra for regular expenses and some fun money

I agree. This needs to be done for both of them, with full disclosure, given that the money is not his, it's theirs.

It seems that you missed the part where OP says he gets angry whenever she tries to discuss money with him. You are advising a woman who feels demoralised already to sit down again with an angry, uncooperative man, and discuss with him what he does not want to discuss: giving her what is rightfully and legally hers.

Why should she have to be the one driving this discussion? If he was willing to do the right thing in the first place, this situation wouldn't exist, and he needs to be willing to do the right thing in order for your suggestion to work.

'Sit down and discuss it' only works if both parties are willing to sit down and discuss it. He has made plain by getting angry that he is not willing. Stop blaming the victim in this classic abuse scenario.

If you've had this more than 6 months to some extent, you could be eligible for PIP, which would be a bit of pin money at least for you. But how he's acting, the financial abuse and stroppiness, isn't ok.

This is horrible and is financial abuse and as you said having to ask for money for little things or dentist makes it just awful. You are meant to be a team and you should be able to access the money for food shopping and other bits and bobs without feeling like that. Also for the migraines keep a food diary and see what triggers the migraines. I used to get awful migraines for years and stopped with sugar and also wheat/gluten and dairy and do not get migraines. try the food diary for a few weeks and you will notice the pattern of what causes it what you are eating and eliminate that item for a bit and see if it helps. Migraines are just awful and maybe it is also the stress of your husband that is also causing you to feel unwell as this sounds awful. I think you should sit down with him and talk calmly and have all you need to say written down and then take yourself off for a few days if possible to a family member and let him stew on it. Show him you are serious that things have to change. He sounds like a bully to be honest and you deserve better.

He's being financially abusive.

I have 2 suggestions for the migraines. 1. Go to a chiropractor for adjustments 2. Ask your GP about a low dose of blood pressure medication.

Apply for pip and maybe other benefits depending on how much your husband earns and you can keep that. X