I'm so confused - sex in new relationship

[Cloudyafternoon]

Been seeing a guy for two months but he's been pursuing me for about two years. He is 48, I am 40. I was coming out of a messy divorce and recovering from that so not interested in a new relationship at the time. Two months ago we spent a lot of time together and became very emotionally close. I felt safe with him so decided to take the step of dating him. It has been very respectful, very nice, great conversations.

We had sex for the first time 2 weeks ago, on a minibreak. We spent a lot of time in bed cuddling but the sex (it happened twice over three days) was missionary, head down, no eye contact, and over very quickly. That's a lot of time to be in bed cuddling and talking naked with someone without actually having sex or doing anything sexual. In fact, I don't think he has seen me fully naked at all, and neither me him (his choice.)

Due to work/children commitments, we could not see each other again for 2 weeks. We spoke every day on the phone and I tried to open up some conversation around sex and what he likes and there was lots of chat (instigated by him) about how he wants to rip my clothes off and get me naked and have sex again. I found this a bit odd because he had plenty of opportunity while we were away and preferred cuddling.

He lives outside London so came down for the night tonight and booked into a hotel. The plan was always that I would go back with him, but return to kids at home to sleep. I got a babysitter, booked til 2am, wore some nice underwear and got dressed up. I took him for dinner and when dinner was over we had agreed we would go back to his hotel together, but he seemed to get nervous about what it would be like, whether he had booked for two or for one etc. Bizarre as it's what we had arranged.

Finally got back to the hotel and he jumps on me. Pulls my dress up, takes my pants off, pulls his trousers down, puts on a condom and we have sex again. Missionary style. I have been looking forward to this forever, so despite the fact it didn't last long, I finish. He then finishes, pulls out, rolls over and falls asleep, snoring. It was about five minutes. I get my phone out and start scrolling. He pulls me in for a cuddle then falls back to sleep.

I eventually get up and start to get dressed. It's 10pm. He's barely awake. I go to the loo, get my stuff together and start booking a taxi. Meanwhile he is snoring. When I leave I let him know, he props himself up a bit in bed and pulls me in again for another hug and a kiss and off I go.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I keep coming away with a strange feeling. Maybe my expectation of sex in a new relationship is too much? During our minibreak there were several times I pulled the covers off both of us, tried to sit up and look at him properly but he pulled the covers back over, pulled me back down into the bed, cuddled me again and asked me jokingly what on earth I thought I was doing. I don't know how he expects to have a relationship like this, and he keeps saying it's a relationship he wants.

He was married for 15 years before this. He says I am the first person he has had sex with since his divorce. Is this normal? Am I wrong to feel paranoid?

Women are rehabilitation centers for men, haven't you heard? You are obliged to fix them instead of moving onto a better one...

I hate this attitude

I never said she was obliged, I said if she is fond of him she might want to hold onto him whilst he sorts this out. But if she’s not fond of him, then let him go.

Oh FFS. Why on earth should any woman have to take on a project, a partner who has to be puzzled out, and mollycoddled, and fixed?

Almost 8 billion people in the world; say 5-6 billion adults; halve for your sexual preference. That's still BILLIONS of potential sexual partners, from which we can each choose someone who is sexually compatible AND a functional human being AND who you like just as they are.

Why the fuck do so many women think they have to put up with anything less?

@Naunet no, definitely not.

I've heard of men who refuse to do foreplay, cunnilingus etc and are just generally selfish in bed (which suggests a whole host or other problems).

We only get a snippet of the situation from OP and from what she's written I just don't think that's it.

I could be wrong, of course, as could we all.

The impression I get is a man who has just come out a monogamous marriage with very low confidence when it comes to sex.

I don't particularly see red flags, I see something that can be worked on, if the OP feels it's worth it.

If she feels it's not worth it and they are just incompatible then that is also fair enough. Which is why I said she has to go with her gut. None of us can really know; we don't know the guy.

"Women are rehabilitation centers for men, haven't you heard? You are obliged to fix them instead of moving onto a better one...
*
I hate this attitude*"

What an odd thing to say.

I had a partner a number of years ago. He was a shy type and although older than me had very little sexual experience. The first few attempts were decidedly less than mind blowing.

Few months in and it was up there with the best sex I've had.

It came with a whole change in his confidence in general though, and he become noticeably more attractive (to others) as his confidence increased. I had found him very attractive even when shy.

I never thought of myself as being a rehabilitation centre for him, what an odd thing to say. It was simply clumsy sex until he gained some confidence, at which point I was very much the benefiting party.

Those saying ask him, I have asked him. I've asked him what he likes in sex.

I don't think that's what people have said though @Cloudyafternoon . Tracy Cox or whoever would say tell him what you like. I.e. 'I like a mixture of positions' 'I like woman on top, doggy etc' 'a bit of oral gets me even more fired up' or whatever it is you'd like to see.

Yes he should know but sometimes people need a nudge, especially if they've got in bad habits in a previous relationship.

It does sound like he's a bit repressed/uptight in general though, based on the conversation about 'issues' etc.

I don't personally like receiving oral or anything bum related, if he doesn't like receiving oral or ass play then that's not necessarily insane.

Having read your updates I would agree it sounds like he may have been abused at boarding school as a child.

So I repeat,"poor guy", at the risk of being pounced on 🙄

Ultimately it's true that it's not your problem. Just depends how much you like him whether you want to stick at it and see if it improves.

Great Post

He's just a boring fucker

What you’re describing is just loving, vanilla sex in a long term relationship.

What the OP described was a man laying on her, quickly shoving his dick in and out ten times with his head buried into her shoulder, grunting, pulling out of her, rolling over, falling asleep and snoring.

Quite different. I feel icky just detailing it like that.

@Cloudyafternoon

I actually thought he been raped but now you say he went boarding school who knows what happened.

What has he told you about previous relationships?

The sex part could have always been an issue in previous relationships because he probably if he has been raped maybe he goes numb can't feel emotions.

I also think it sounds like he may have been abused as something is not right in his behaviour. His age means he’d have been at boarding school in the early 80’s. Not a great time ….

Amazing you didn't get up and leave sooner!

I’d say he’s almost certainly been abused in boarding school if he said that. It might be that he’s just got a lot of hang ups from that, naturally. I guess it’s up to you whether things would improve with time and patience or end things now. It doesn’t sound much fun to be honest. I’d rather stick to snuggling the dog in bed

If we were to switch this around and the OP was a man surely everyone would be saying he was a sex pest/ pervert and stop expecting his partner to do more than she wants adding that he probably watched too much porn! 😉

Sounds exactly like somone I've been seeing.

It won't get any better.

They don't like sex

It's something they do to keep you because you want it.

They pretend they want it as much as you but they'd rather not.

Walk away.

Well said.

This.
I think it's weird everyone jumping on the abuse angle just because he doesn't want his ass played with.
OP you sound like you actively dislike this man, like really dislike him. Maybe it's a defence mechanism because you feel rejected but do yourselves both a favour and finish it.

EXACTLY

It sounds like such a disappointment

He thought it was amazing because he got off.

There's really nothing deep to figure out about these types.

He's using you as his wank hole. Sorry to be so blunt. Not even looking at you or interacting, he's got some stuff going on.

I'm no orgasm for you then?

I'd suggest you start by asking him to focus on your orgasm starting now and see what he says/does.

If nothing changes then you'll have to decide whether this is the man for you.

Why would he change when he gets what he wants - sex like a bodily function discharged and done with, so very little effort and you don't seem to mind?

Whatever has happened to him, even if he was abused, it doesn't mean that you should 'put up with' or 'try to understand' sex that you don't like, or that makes you feel disrespected, OP. It's too easy to lower your boundaries if there's a sob story. If he's been abused and it means he can't give you the relationship you want, that doesn't mean you should lower your requirements, it means you should sympathetically step back, and let him sort himself out with a partner who likes what he does/needs to do.

What did you decide OP?
In am now 18 months into a relationship with a man and (non) sex started like that but is now loving and mutual satisfying as he he grew more confident and safer in trusting me with his back story.