I'm so confused - sex in new relationship

[Cloudyafternoon]

Been seeing a guy for two months but he's been pursuing me for about two years. He is 48, I am 40. I was coming out of a messy divorce and recovering from that so not interested in a new relationship at the time. Two months ago we spent a lot of time together and became very emotionally close. I felt safe with him so decided to take the step of dating him. It has been very respectful, very nice, great conversations.

We had sex for the first time 2 weeks ago, on a minibreak. We spent a lot of time in bed cuddling but the sex (it happened twice over three days) was missionary, head down, no eye contact, and over very quickly. That's a lot of time to be in bed cuddling and talking naked with someone without actually having sex or doing anything sexual. In fact, I don't think he has seen me fully naked at all, and neither me him (his choice.)

Due to work/children commitments, we could not see each other again for 2 weeks. We spoke every day on the phone and I tried to open up some conversation around sex and what he likes and there was lots of chat (instigated by him) about how he wants to rip my clothes off and get me naked and have sex again. I found this a bit odd because he had plenty of opportunity while we were away and preferred cuddling.

He lives outside London so came down for the night tonight and booked into a hotel. The plan was always that I would go back with him, but return to kids at home to sleep. I got a babysitter, booked til 2am, wore some nice underwear and got dressed up. I took him for dinner and when dinner was over we had agreed we would go back to his hotel together, but he seemed to get nervous about what it would be like, whether he had booked for two or for one etc. Bizarre as it's what we had arranged.

Finally got back to the hotel and he jumps on me. Pulls my dress up, takes my pants off, pulls his trousers down, puts on a condom and we have sex again. Missionary style. I have been looking forward to this forever, so despite the fact it didn't last long, I finish. He then finishes, pulls out, rolls over and falls asleep, snoring. It was about five minutes. I get my phone out and start scrolling. He pulls me in for a cuddle then falls back to sleep.

I eventually get up and start to get dressed. It's 10pm. He's barely awake. I go to the loo, get my stuff together and start booking a taxi. Meanwhile he is snoring. When I leave I let him know, he props himself up a bit in bed and pulls me in again for another hug and a kiss and off I go.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I keep coming away with a strange feeling. Maybe my expectation of sex in a new relationship is too much? During our minibreak there were several times I pulled the covers off both of us, tried to sit up and look at him properly but he pulled the covers back over, pulled me back down into the bed, cuddled me again and asked me jokingly what on earth I thought I was doing. I don't know how he expects to have a relationship like this, and he keeps saying it's a relationship he wants.

He was married for 15 years before this. He says I am the first person he has had sex with since his divorce. Is this normal? Am I wrong to feel paranoid?

It's early days, however more likely to be who he is. This is how your sex life will be. Especially if you don't direct him explicitly, tell him what you like, what you expect.

Put another way, OP - it sounds like you want a vigorous lusty sex life; whereas he wants a teddy bear with fleshlight. That's never going to work.

Nobody knows which and only time would tell.

I was in all sorts of situations while dating where is was "either he is lovely and considerate or he is extremely passive and lazy" "either he is needing more time to open up or he is emotionally stunted" etc. etc. etc. It's up to you whether you think it's worth to give it more time to see if he can relax more and things improve or this is the way it's going to be.

I had my doubts about my DH when I met him - he struggled to be direct or make decisions and my absolute line in the sand is I won't do wife work or manage a man's family life for him - but I liked him enough to give it some more time to decide properly. I'm glad I did because he is actually very decisive and organised when he is comfortable around someone and I'm very happy with him. I dated plenty men who my doubts turned out to be well founded and I don't regret the time spent to realise.

Or, less dramatically, he's nervous and a bit shit

Sounds like nerves on his part , I think sex gets better with time. After a while you're more comfortable and can say what you like and don't like. More comfortable about seeing each other's bodies and more in tune.

If you like him and enjoy spending time with him outside of the bedroom - I would give it a bit of time and see if sex gets better.
But I’d not just wait passively and observe.
To me - it doesn’t seem that it’s performance anxiety - more like this is how sex used to be in his marriage. You would be surprised - but yes, this is how sex is for some (many?) long married people, especially in marriages where one of the partners (often the female) isn’t much into it and just going through motions.

So - it’s on you to not be passive and just expect him to read your mind and change on his own. Next time you have sex - why not say you want to try it a bit differently. I’d tell him what you want…. Start with foreplay? Oral? Fingers?
Don’t do missionary, get on top if this is what you like, etc…
I’d not go full blown porn sequence on him right away - but try to simply change it up, at least somewhat.

But do remember that for him it will be a change - a massive one and he needs a bit of time to adjust.

I’d also add - you of course like what you alike. And we are all different when sex it concerned. But I don’t think it’s fair to be judgy in this case. For starters - I am guessing many long married people have sex this way. And certainly in couples where the woman isn’t much into it.

It sounds a bit crap to me tbh. you already had the mini break so that first night of sex was over (and thats usually the clumsiest as neither of you know what the other likes).

But the hotel situation. He didn't even undress you, just lifted your dress and pulled your pants off? And then fell asleep after the very quick bit of sex?

I'd be pissed off too. You'd made an effort, put on nice undies. I'd have expected him to at least try a bit of seduction.
Sounds like hes just in it for him. I think that would make me feel a bit used if i'm honest.

And OP I get the covers thing, its not weird. And if I was with a partner and they pulled the cover off a bit and wanted to look at me naked, I wouldn't think that weird at all, I'd take it as a compliment that he found me sexy and liked looking at me. I think if someone DIDN'T want to look at me naked, i'd just think they didn't find me very attractive.

Poor guy.

I think he sounds nice and is just nervous.

You have to go with your gut though.

I think this poor bloke has been in a dull marriage watching too many to shows where the main characters are all 'rush into the room and bang against the wall' then it's all over and everyone is satisfied and he thinks that's what you want?

He's either shit in bed or has performance anxiety or ED or something and is rushing it.

You could give some more time and opportunity to see if it improves.

Tbh I think it'd unlikely it will.

That's also a decent age gap there .. nearly a decade.
For various reasons it might be better to try to meet someone closer to your age.

I don't know how anyone who has been alive in the world for 48 years, has an international job, has three DC, had a long marriage, has friends, has watched TV, read books and experienced popular culture, can think that 10 pumps missionary sex over and over again is a sex life?

I agree with this OP and think some of the responses on here show a very low bar for expectations of men in bed. You might get some more useful responses on the Sex board. Or throw him back, which would be my choice.

You sound incredibly judgemental

Not really. OP just doesn't want bad sex in a relationship, when she's looking for a relationship that's long term/for life. Being doomed to 5 min of humping for life with no eye contact wouldn't be good.

@Cloudyafternoon They do say that you should tell a lover what does it for you/if you want something different. So you could tell him what other positions or stuff you want. If he still just does the basic humping after that, you have your answer really as to whether he's right for you.

@Cloudyafternoon at this point you might as well be blunt with him because really you have nothing to lose.

My now DH was single 12 years before we got together and the sex initially was a bit crap (although admittedly not as crap as your missionary mate) and I basically just took the bull by the horns, sexy underwear, took control, told him how I prefer a man to be in control etc. Fight or flight will kick in for him and to be honest that'll make the decision for you.

@op

"I don't know how anyone who has been alive in the world for 48 years, has an international job, has three DC, had a long marriage, has friends, has watched TV, read books and experienced popular culture, can think that 10 pumps missionary sex over and over again is a sex life?"

Like you I don't understand all the replies telling you to tell him what you like etc. How can anyone think this is good sex? Like someone else said how is the bar set so low?!

But you know this but aren't acting on it?! He didn't think of you at all. If he isn't at the beginning he never will.

You hardly know this guy and he might be a more introverted type person with whom you need to build a connection before expecting improved physical intimacy.

People are rather quick to judge nowadays; not every man is capable of sexual prowess immediately! I think this a good point actually.

Of course it may be the case that when you get to know him things don’t improve and he does sound a little selfish but maybe there are other good qualities.

I would carry on albeit in a lighthearted way and make a decision in a few more months

Nothing to stop you running a few others in tandem. Why not

Just dating I mean not physical!

So if he knows that 10 pumps of missionary is not a sex life, what does he think I'm thinking? Or he just doesn't care? He seems to care about me in other ways.

Those saying ask him, I have asked him. I've asked him what he likes in sex. His answers were: seeing me naked (which it turns out - he still hasn'), ripping my clothes off (also not true.) He has mentioned having sex in the shower a couple of times, and going down on me (before the minibreak). I have made very positive noises about these, but somehow always end up with his head buried in my neck and him pumping away.

I have told him that I think he has not had as much affection as he wants and needs over the years. He agrees but says nothing more. I touch his face, I cuddle him as much as he wants, I stroke his back, his shoulders, his arms. He's uncomfortable with me near his bum and when I made moves to give him a blow job he was almost jumping out of his skin with discomfort so I stopped trying.

When I ask him why - why do you feel like this, why don't you want to do that? Sexually or otherwise. He says "You know I have issues." I say "what issues?" He says "I think you articulated them already."

Sorry I know I am rambling it's just helpful to write it out

Right, having read your update OP, it's time to knock this on the head. No pun intended.

@Cloudyafternoon

I may be way off here.

Do you think he been abused?

Just sounds odd what your saying most men are not like how you describe this man.

I would definitely cool this off with him.

He’s a crap shag

sorry 😞

but that’s where it’s at right now sadly

I honestly don't know if you are way off. He told me that he was sent off to boarding school (all boys) at 6 years old and that it was very traumatic. I asked him in what way (I know the ways it can be, just wanted to understand, as had abuse in my head too) he said it was just his parents sending him away at such a young age. No further elaboration.

Do you mean maybe he was abused in his marriage or abused when younger?

What’s so nice about no foreplay and then instantly falling asleep?! And why does that make him a “poor guy”? Are women just meant to be delighted with shit sex so as not to hurt a man’s feelings?

I dated a guy who boarded from 6. Slightly younger than your guy. Older boys did things to him and that was fairly widespread.

Tbh it just sounds to me like he has had a shit sex life and doesn't realise it's shit.

He could get better. You need to tell him this doesn't meet your expectations and see if he's ready to be more creative and intimate.

Hmm abuse definitely sounds possible, at school at least. If you’re keen on him then I think keep going and see if he can relax as time goes on, or ask
him to get some professional help and be patient whilst he works through it. It sounds like he has been as honest as he can be…he knows he has “issues” but maybe doesn’t know how to get past them, he clearly wants to as he talks a good game but then can’t follow through.

so are you willing to wait, and try and help whilst he gets help, or are you not that into him? This clearly isn’t about you and if the sexes were reversed we’d all be telling the guy to be gentle and give it time.