My brother has gone NC with me & I don't understand why

[MissMarplesNiece]

My brother & I have always been good friends. We come from a dysfunctional family and have supported each other with our strained relationships with parents & step parents. We share a love of antique hunting & history and would go out together once or twice a month to explore castles, National Trust etc.

Two years ago my step father died and my mother moved back to our hometown. Her relationship with my brother has always been an angry, controlling one (on her part) and my brother kept it arms length.

Together we were trying to sort out DMs financial affairs, clear her old house etc. It's been difficult, not least because her old house is nearly a 4 hour drive away & DM & SF were holders with just so, so much stuff to sort out.

In April my DB made a flying visit on his own (I was working so couldn't go with him) and found some paperwork that needed dealing with. He texted to ask if he could bring it round so I'd help him & I said OK, but I needed a sleep first so could he come in an hour.

He threw a strop, told me he'd gone all the way to the house but I couldn't even be bothered to stay out of bed (I have an autoimmune disorder that means I get very tired) and that was the last ive heard from him.

I've tried general "Are you ok?" type texts but he doesnt reply. Ive lost my best friend and I feel so upset its making me feel ill. Its his perogative to chose who is or isn't in his life but I can't bear thi.

Phone him?

Respect his decision. People going no contact do it with good reason. I understand you miss him but he clearly isn't in a place where he wishes for you to contact him.

look at it from his point, he has a bad relationship with your mother but is helping anyway. He asked you to help and you said you needed a rest-that must have sounded dismissive

Bollocks.
in some cases people do it for good reason if abuse is involved
it isn’t here. He’s being a passive aggressive twat.
going NC is quite the most horrendous thing you can do to a person- it almost always has a major traumatic effect . You are basically rejecting someone totally, and taking all control away form them to be able to work on rectifying the situation.
. Most issues resulting in NC revolve around miss communication, miss understanding, or misaligned expectations. And all those things can be solved if people talk. It sounds like this is exactly the case here .. probably a bit of all 3 things.

it seems like MNetters treat NC as a human right and the person who goes NC is never in the wrong. That is so much bollocks. It is a nasty, vindictive and controlling thing to do to someone else - and it’s way to excepted on these boards

sure, if it’s abusive that’s a different kettle of fish

Unfortunately OP, there is little you can do. You could write a letter (I know old fashioned) to explain why you said what you did, and why you feel so lost without him . Don’t tell him how he’s behaved or what it’s caus3d you to feel. Just say what you feel and why you said what you did. Apologise. Put yourself in his shoes a bit. I think I’d be a bit pissed off and resentful too that you said no after he’d really put himself out
then you have to see what happens. As I said above he’s a passive aggressive twat to do this. And it is extremely devastating for you. If he continues to NC, please get professional support sooner rather than later as it can be so difficult to deal with.

I agree completely @Newlifestartingatlast. Many of the NC brigade on here do treat it as their extra human right which must be respected at all costs. There was an NC thread where a mother had decided to have no contact with her drama queen daughter. MN posters were in uproar. Any daughter has the right to go non contact with her MIL or SIL or elderly mother. However, the other way round offended the NC brigade massively.

She didn’t dismiss him though. Dismissive would have been saying ‘do it yourself, I’m tired.’ She said ‘yes, can we do it in a hour once I’ve had a rest?’

She wasn’t dismissive, she just didn’t break her back jumping to attention the very second he snapped his fingers.

I don’t think there’s much that can be done about it though. I would give it some time for him to cool off and reflect, and then discuss when he has some distance on it.

Give him time, he’s sulking and god knows why. He’s probably finding sorting through the house triggering but that’s no excuse to take it out on you. What you said was completely reasonable. His reaction is pretty extreme to the point of abusive. He obviously isn’t managing his emotions very well and it’s manifested in him punishing you for nothing.

Text and say “I love you, and I’ve done nothing wrong - I have an autoimmune condition as you know and needed a quick rest! I’ll be here when you are ready to get in touch.”

Well, text something like that if you’re feeling big. He’s being a dick.

Are you older than him ?

Genuine question - What's the difference between NC and stonewalling?

If OP hadn't used the phrase "NC" here and had instead simply referred to her DB as refusing to speak to her having thrown his toys out of the pram would she receive different advice?

"Maybe write him a letter"

If I'd made an 8 hour round car journey to collect paperwork and you'd asked me to wait an hour so you could have a nap, I'd be fed up too. I get you're poorly but you could have made an effort or invited him round and left him something to eat or to pick up takeaway. The way you treated him does sound dismissive to me.
Is it possible you've unwittingly done similar things due to your auto immune disorder and this is the final straw?

I’ve been in your brothers shoes and it’s crap. You could have been more welcoming It’s really hard dealing with this, sorting stuff when you’ve got a poor relationship with the parent….. never mind when you have to cross country (in my case wales to north Scotland)

I would be apologising. II also have autoimmune diseases which leave me wretched with tiredness. I wouldn’t have been unwelcoming like you were…. He probably just wanted a cup of tea and a sit down. Maybe a thank you for actually
bothering.

You were rude and dimissive of his time and effort.

It wasn't the same day he'd been to the house that he asked to come round , it was a couple of days after. I didn't think it unreasonable if someone texts on a Sunday afternoon to say I'm bringing xyz round, to ask them to bring it round in an hour instead. But I have difficulty with boundaries, so maybe that was unreasonable.

I have always been there for my DB - I've taken time off work to support him with various things, helped him practically and emotionally with stuff. He's been the only person I have really been able to talk to about my illness or about feelings about other life.

Well in your own words, it was a “flying visit” so I doubt it was actually two days later.

at the end of the day all we have, when life gets difficult with our parents - is our siblings. My dad had to go into a care home home unexpectedly last year and we children don’t get on at all sadly
but we managed to shelve that and crack on with what had to be done. Now really isn’t a time to be fighting.

I don't think what you did was particularly unreasonable but obviously it triggered your brother and came off the wrong way to him.

I would send him a letter or email, and say you are genuinely sorry that you didn't see him straight away when he asked and that the lack of contact with him is upsetting for you. You obviously need to have a conversation about this and sometimes, saying sorry is the best way to open up communication with someone.

I'd let him know you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, that you care about him and that you don't know what you've done wrong.

Then you've said all the things you need to say, and the ball's in his court. If you've always been close, he won't terminate your relationship over this, and you need to get on with your life and accept that he might need some time.

It sounds like there is more to it than just can you wait an hour. That wasn't an unreasonable request in my mind. Even if he'd popped to your house and sat having a cuppa while you had a sleep, given your medical history.

Would it have something to do with the paperwork he found? You say his realtionship with your DM is not good. Could it be he found paperwork leaving everything to you and hes just really angry about it and taking it all out on you?
Or have you written letters to your mum moaning about him which he might have found and now thinks no one is on his side?

How long has it been? Sorry if I missed that. I wouldn't give up, theres something he isn't happy with and I very much doubt it the waiting an hour thing. Try calling every couple of days. Failing that I'd go round and see him and make him tell you why he is cutting you out.

I don't get this leave him alone, he has his reasons stuff. Whatever his problem is he shouldn't be treating you this way, hes your brother and he needs to face this issue with you.

It really doesn't matter if someone's reasons for ending a relationship are "good" or "bad". You can't have a relationship between two people unless both parties want to. We have a name for trying to force contact on someone.

OP, all you can do is leave the door open for him to engage with you again in future.

Dislike being accused of being a liar. It was 2 days later - he went on Friday, works Saturday because its paid double time, asked to come round at 3 on Sun, I said can you make it 4, he had a hissy fit and hasn't spoken to me.

I said before, I have problem setting boundaries.

So, it's a reasonable boundary, if you ask someone to come round an hour later, for them to go NC with you?

There will be a backstory and a pattern. It won't just be a one-off that's triggered him.

Or, maybe he's been depressed or something.

You tell us. Does your brother have form for pitching tantrums if not pandered to? What you've posted about him suggests not. Or is this maybe not about you asking to meet an hour later, and he would say there's significant backstory to that being a flashpoint?

So, it's a reasonable boundary, if you ask someone to come round an hour later, for them to go NC with you

The reason you're having trouble with boundaries is because you think you can get them wrong. For that to be the case, there would have to be some authority, some governing body, some set of rules, for us all to adhere to, to tell us whether we were 'getting it right' or not. To be successful in setting boundaries, you have to understand that you are the authority, you are the governing body, you design the set of rules.

So. You thought it was ok for you to ask him to come back in an hour, and that means that's a good boundary for you. Other people don't have to like your boundaries, and those people who can't handle your boundaries need to be removed from your life, as much as possible.

Don't view your brother's response to mean you 'got it wrong' setting a boundary. His response is the problem, and if you give him time, he may well recover the situation.

He's feeling hurt and he feels unappreciated by you. You need to call him and say sorry

For me it doesn't really matter who was at fault that day. It seemed like the relationship was strong enough not to bother about that sort of thing (in the long term).

That means either it wasn't as strong as you thought, he's in some kind of crisis state, or this is fixable. i think the only way to find out is to contact him, say you miss him, you don't want to lose touch with him and ask if he wants to go to a castle next Tuesday (or whenever). If he doesn't reply you can still send a text with news every week or so until he responds by either telling you to stop or engaging with you. I wouldn't recommend this with any other type of relationship by the way, but siblings with difficult parents need each other and it seems like something's going on he's not revealing. Of course if he tells you not to contact him you'll have to cut your losses.