Wife loves me and loves another

[VeryConfusedDad]

Apologies, i know this is Mumsnet but i went to Dadsnet and it seemed like quite graveyard, and for those posts that did get a response they were very sarcastic responses etc

I've been with my wife for 15 years (married for 5) we have 2 children with the second born a couple of years ago.

Last year i found messages on my wifes phone between her and another man. Flirty, sexual messages, a few pictures back and forth etc etc Confronted her about it and she confessed that whilst nothing had happened then before we got married she had had a "kiss and fondle". She said she has always thought there was an attraction there, but as he had a girlfriend (now his wife) and she was with me nothing could ever happen (except for the "kiss and fondle")

We sort of talked it through last year and i thought everything was getting better. Then i found messages on her phone again with her talking to a social media friend about how to approach starting a new relationship with someone if your not sure that's what the person wants etc

Confronted about those messages and she thought we needed to go on a trial separation, so i basically had to move out of the house. Luckily i still got to see my children as i came in and put them to bed etc. Had them over at my parents a couple of nights as well.

We got back together after around a month and started to go to counselling. Everything seemed really good until a month of so ago when she started to do what she had previously (head up to bed tired, of if i said i was tired she would then stay downstairs and come up a lot later)

Basically my wife loves me, our live and our dynamic, but she also loves this other person. This other person is married and has his own children. I have asked my wife what it is she wants but she doesn't know, she doesn't even know how he feels as everytime she says she brings it up (she is still in contact with him) he just avoids the questions or starts to "ghost" her, block her on facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp etc etc Then they get back in contact and it seems to start again.

I really don't know what to do or suggest, I don't know if counselling is worth another option as when we went last time this was hardly brought up or discussed as it wasn't the "main issue" back then. I don't know if couples counselling would be beneficial or if its my wife that needs the counselling to help her work out what she wants. She is doing some reflective self life coaching things that she says are helping but i've seen no progress at all.

I love her, I love our life, I love our children. When i sense she loves me i can really feel it and it feels magical, like it did years ago. We don't get many date nights / days but when we do it feels good, like thats where she wants to be. When she is thinking of him, or confused about stuff it feels like a crap situation to be around. I try and put on a happy face for my children (both of whom are below the age of 5) but i don't know how much longer i can keep on doing this.

I suppose if anything this has taught me not to look at my wifes phone

Let her go, she doesn't love you it's just easier for her to stay with you. You deserve better.

You deserve better and neither of you are happy. Could a separation and co-parenting work better in the long run?

She's taking the piss. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat like this. End it, you'll get over it. You'll never be happy while she's playing these games, which are likely to last for as long as you're together.

I think she probably does love you both (I'm waiting to be burnt alive by many). The problem is she's hurting you in the process and is being very inconsiderate of your feelings and needs.

When she does this it must make you feel rubbish. It's probably ultimatum time I'm afraid.

I know what you're doing, your lying to me and sneaking about to try and see this other man. It's disrespect to me, our kids and our marriage. He goes or I will.

It's far harder to actually do.

I agree with PPs, I couldn’t stay with someone - no matter how much I loved them - if their heart was elsewhere. I get the impression that if he wasn’t so flaky she’d have been off years ago.

The thing about affairs is that it isn’t always about the other person, it’s about something that the cheater feels is missing from themselves, and how they feel around the affair partner. What does she get from that guy that she doesn’t feel with you? How is your relationship apart from this issue? You mention that this wasn’t the main focus of your counselling together - what was?

To me there’s no excuse for cheating (and I count what she’s done as cheating) but if you want to try and work it out, you need to know what you’re dealing with. What it is she’s getting out of these interactions and whether she can get the same feeling from you.

It seems very unfair that she’s the one making the problem and yet you’re the one having to move out when she decides to try separation. She should put her money where her mouth is and if she wants to separate she should be the one to leave IMHO.

And I don’t think the takeaway from this should be “don’t look at your wife’s phone”. Sometimes it’s the only way you can get the truth. The one thing you should learn from this is that you deserve someone who loves and respects you - this isn’t her.

Honestly the best chance you have of winning her back is to let her go. Concentrate on yourself. Be a decent coparent, grieve for a while and then build yourself back up and get on with your life. From experience the standard of single men out there is pretty dire so if you’re even vaguely kind, good looking and/or kind you’re already way ahead of many of them and she’ll realise what she’s lost pretty soon! The idiot she thinks she’s in love with will disappear the minute he realises things are getting serious, as you found when she decided to reconcile with you.

Ok your wife is a classic cake eating cheat.

Everything out her mouth is straight out of the cheats handbook. I have very little time for the in love bs. Love is a verb, it's an action, it's not limerance and dopamine hits.

Your wife is enjoying all the good feels she's getting from you fighting for her and him choosing to sneak around behind his wife's back with her.

While you are letting her walk all over you, she'll continue to do it.

Atm she has no intention of giving this man up, I've read before that you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. You need to draw a line on the sand around contact with this man and she needs to care enough to do this and then get into individual counselling.

I think when you've stopped doing the 'pick me dance' you're going to wonder if she's really worth the fight!

Tbh I think she's being cruel to a man who clearly loves her and doesn't deserve this treatment. And you've suffered months of it!

And totally agree with last poster about your phone comment.

I really don't want to do co-parenting. If we had no children this may have been a lot easier to work out.

I don't want to blow my own trumpet but have a home office split and I do a lot of the cleaning, cooking, washing etc Getting up early in the mornings when my children wake gets me some extra time with them before i start / have to leave for work and allowed my wife a lay in. That means that i put the washing on before my wife might come downstairs, or will have washed up things from the night before.

Being the dad i'm the one that has to walk away and the mum gets custody and we work out parenting like that (or so i'm lead to believe) I don't want to be a part time dad. I went into marriage and this relationship as i could see us having children and spending the rest of our lives together (bit cliche) I wouldn't have brought children into the marriage as they need stability. I don't like the prospect of them spending some nights with me, some nights with their mum. I hate it when i'm not there to tuck them in at night or read them a bedtime story. I know that as they grow older they change and don't want stories etc and just want a games console or mobile phone.

She has mentioned that she is looking into doing some counselling sessions with an actual counsellor rather than social media people. I guess see how that goes and await the outcome. I've been in a confused state about this for about a year, i suppose a couple more months won't hurt.

I get that I do. Honestly, very few betrayed partners kick the cheat out immediately, there is a lot to consider.

But if you are choosing a path that involves waiting, can I suggest you start to follow some threads on surviving infidelity, there are so many fantastic posters there. It will give you insight into how cheats work and their thinking and will help you frame conversations you want to have with her. It'll stop you having too much empathy for her 'I love you both' narrative and crocodile tears. A copy of 'leave a cheater, gain a life' would also help you. Whether you stay or leave both of these resources are hugely helpful.

Knowledge of infidelity psychology is power when dealing with this, honestly, been there, got the t'shirt!

I don't want to blow my own trumpet but have a home office split and I do a lot of the cleaning, cooking, washing etc Getting up early in the mornings when my children wake gets me some extra time with them before i start / have to leave for work and allowed my wife a lay in. That means that i put the washing on before my wife might come downstairs, or will have washed up things from the night before.

This is not 'blowing your own trumpet'. These are normal things that you should be doing anyway. No woman would expect a pat on the back for just tidying up after themselves.

If you don't want to separate, then you will just have to carry on as you are. Just know that she doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and doesn't care about you. Counselling won't change that but perhaps she will decide to leave you and make that separation anyway.

I am concerned with is that your wife's uncertainty is borne of not knowing what is going on with this other man - and that really isn't good for you. I really think at least a temporary separation (for longer than a month) needs to happen now. It has gone too far. Not sure why you have to be the one who leaves though - is it a tenancy in your wifes name? You should be able to get 50/50 childcare in the situation you are describing as well (sorry not an expert in this).

Go for 50/50 custody. You can still be an active dad and give a stable life. Your wife is a cruel mess and doesn’t deserve you.

100% this ^^, if your wife is not physically cheating she is having an EA & absolutely she should be the one leaving, not you.

Can you co-parent in the same house but end the marriage?

Op, this happened to someone I knew. To cut a long story short, the wife of the other man found out and he broke all contact with the woman (the equivalent of your wife I expect). She came back to her husband (ie the equivalent of you) with her tail between her legs and they got back together. I think it's just that doubt, you'd always wonder if she really wants you or whether you are 2nd choice. And I don't think it matters if you are fine with that.

She's only staying in the marriage because the other man doesn't want her.

“ I don't want to be a part time dad.”

Ask her if she wants to be a part time mum.

She sounds infatuated with him and he’s enjoying the attention and ego boost of stringing her along.

Is she willing to give him up? Right now? For the sake of your marriage? Because if she’s not, you’re flogging a dead horse.

Part of me wants to suggest you message him from her phone pretending you are her telling him it’s over and to never get in contact again, that husband has found out and is threatening divorce.

But it might be better if she sends that message to him with you as witness and then blocking and deleting his number. And if she won’t, you’re flogging a dead horse.

At the end of the day, she is prioritising the excitement of an affair over her family and will continue to do that for as long as you let her.

Sadly though, I agree with dragonfly16.

Is it just messaging or are they actually meeting up?
Im going against the grain here I suspect she doesn’t want to end your relationship but is bored feeling a bit taken for granted and this is adding a nice bit of attention and drama to life.

So you provide the stability, home, love and care whilst she gets to explore the possibility of a new relationship without any risk, madness OP.
Go 50/50 or try to co-parent in the same house.
You need to maybe think about therapy for yourself because you do have choices.

It sounds to me that she has a case of limerance, and he gets a dose of ego stroking. That she's not felt confident to do a lot about it - over, what, years?- shows that he probably would be unlikely to leave his DP if she asked. However, you know, so only fair that his DP gets to know. So for this situation, I'd actually recommend taking screenshots of any inappropriate texts and photos he sends your DW, and send them to his partner as proof. Blow his games wide open, I think he'd stay away then, not least because his partner would be insisting on it and it's no longer a fun ego-stroking game once people know.
You might get the old mojo back after he wants nothing more to do with her, but the risk is, she's more likely to do it with another in the future, given that you knowing about it hasn't stopped her this time.

Of course she doesn't want to end the relationship, why would she. She's having a lovely dalliance and a stable home, income, childcare all covered. But it's in OP's best interests to end it, even if he doesn't want to as she is taking the piss.

She’s stupid to keep chasing a married man who doesn’t want her. He’s probably getting an ego boost from keeping her hanging on. But you should make it clear that if she’s not committed to you, the marriage is over.

I hope it works out well for you.

You're her second choice. A convenient place to be while she pines after someone else.

That's a soul-destroying place for you. Just split while it's still amicable and go for 50:50. Your weird script about breakups simply isn't true any more. It's possible to be a present dad and be there for your children. I know people who lived in the same street while their kids were small and they would run between the houses. Try for amicable and healthy.

What you have now is not healthy.