Is it me or is this incredibly rude?!

[gahwhyme]

DH has a habit of wandering off while I'm speaking to him 🤯

He does it at least once a day.

This morning, for example, we were talking about something fairly benign. He said his piece, I got halfway through my response and he'd wandered off in to the lounge to do something for the kids.

I mean sometimes I understand, kids etc.

But other times it's just us. Example, Sunday I was talking about a dr app I need to make. I looked up and he'd turned his back on me to look out the window. Completely disengaged.

I've raised it and he has said oh yea that was rude. Apologies I'll try not to do that. Yet it continues. It makes me feel murderous!!

If you find it rude, it's rude to you. You don't need anybody else to tell you how you 'should' be responding to things, emotionally.

Your husband doesn't respect you on this one.

What will happen if he keeps doing it, for the rest of your relationship? How will it end up? Because if there are no consequences, there'll be no change.

Is he respectful to you otherwise? Does he listen when you disagree with him or when you're upset about something? Does he listen if you tell him you need to talk about something seriously, and take your point of view on board?

Sometimes he'll apologise, other times he'll push back and say I'm getting on his back about every little thing.

Other than telling him, repeatedly, what consequences can you really impose upon a grownup?

I don't really want to divorce him for this

Do it back to him so he knows how it feels. Show don't tell.

Is there any chance that you are a bit long winded?

For example you’re telling him about a Dr’s appointment right? Id generally say something similar to “I need to make a dr’s appointment, my knee is killing me”

My mrs would say “you know I told you my knee is sore? Well one of the girls in work had a sore knee and she was telling me that someone she used to work with has ran off with her next door neighbour, and Marie, you remember Marie don’t you? Well she found out that Bob from the butchers is going to Tenerife for his birthday and …zzzz

For clarity she’s an intelligent, funny woman but some of her stories just go on and on. I’ve told her but it doesn’t stop her.

Yes! Definitely this.

I'd just do the same to him a few times.

I should have added he still shouldn’t just walk off that is rude. I definitely switch off though

I don't really want to divorce him for this

So he's generally respectful and loving towards you, and this is a little quirk of his? I'm just checking that it's not the tip of the iceberg. Walking away whilst someone is talking is really disrespectful, and if someone respectful is made aware that they're doing something that bothers someone they care about, they'll stop.

Him suggesting you're on his back about every little thing paints a bit of a different picture from 'married bliss'. What else are you having to speak to him about? What other 'little things' is he doing that drive you nuts and he won't stop?

Do you talk a lot?
Go on and on, without end in sight?
Do you repeat same things over and over?
Do you talk about things he doesn’t care about?
Do you talk AT him, not with him?
Does he find the topics boring / something that isin’t his business?

One of my friends does this - her stories always have a lot of 'mini' stories thrown in - but she always remembers her original point...it's quite a skill I think

I can forget what I'm saying half-way through a sentence!

None of this matters. If any of those things are happening, it's still rude of him to walk away, rather than communicate to OP what's bothering him, especially if she's raised the issue and he's sometimes apologising and other times turning it round on her.

All of the above suggestions are to do with OP being at fault, when essentially she's spotted a relationship problem, and tried to talk to him about it.

If he finds her boring or tedious, it's not up to OP to 'become more interesting to him', it's up to him to find more compatible company.

I must admit I sometimes do this with DH because he often starts a sentence then takes a gap of about 10 seconds before carrying on and I've spent too many years waiting or prompting! 😂 Just spit it out! I've a gazillion things I'm thinking about or need to do as well. Frustrates me.

Yes love love love my DH but he does tend to go on, it's only worsened as middle age has crept up on him. When he's full flow on something to do with music technology or solar energy production I just tune out. Don't think I'd survive otherwise!! I don't leave the room but I will signal to him when it's enough. Think maybe he was insulted in the early stages but when I explained to him that he's doing it and how it affects me he gave me leeway to zone out sometimes. I've got a job and deal with the bulk of the life admin, I can't also listen to every intricate thought he has about his hobbies too.

op finds walking away rude

anyone who does any of these things are rude

also just trying to find out, perhaps there is a reason why the husband has found it better just to walk away

The men in my husband’s family have form for just talking over women. Not even about relevant topics. It is outrageous.

When my FIL does it (all the fucking time) I make a point of stopping really abruptly as it draws attention to it.

Some men have it deeply ingrained that women are lesser and are not worth listening to. It’s very hard to fight.

It it worse when it's a subject we've discussed previously. He has said in the past it feels like I'm going on.

I was undecided about a job a while back and every time I spoke about it I could see him glaze over. I mean fair enough, I can understand that, my mum talks about the same things a lot and it is boring.

I just find the zoning out and walking off so disrespectful. Like I have nothing of value to say, or anything worth listening to.

I'd much rather be told I'm not interested, that's what I do when he's droning on

@Watchkeys it's definitely not marital bliss 😂

He's a lovely man but is a bit oblivious at times and can be rude without realising. He will listen and acknowledge his shortcomings, but sometimes there is push back, which makes me resentful.

This is a small issue alone but the fact I've had to raise it several times is now making it a bigger issue.

And because he keeps doing it and I keep raising it, we're both becoming annoyed

DP is the one in our relationship who goes on and on and on, to the point where I WANT to make a “wrap it up/skip to the end” gesture, or click my fingers, but don’t.

But he does this distracted thing when I speak and he’ll zone out or cock his head and I know he’s listening or looking somewhere else – the other day it was “Oh, because I could see lights flashing but I’ve just realised it’s the bin lorry. What were you saying?” So rude! The bin lorry comes at the same fucking time every week and does it really matter if some flashing lights are nearby, or you can’t figure out if you’re hearing the washing machine or the dryer, or if you’ve just remembered it’s your turn to cook so you need to go to the shop after work nine hours hence?

Do you only raise it when he does it? I just wonder if talking about it when he doesn't feel you're 'retaliating' might help?

How do you approach it when you mention it to him? Is it 'FFS!! You just did it again, why do you always have to walk off when I'm talking to you??' or is it 'Darling, I need to talk to you about something that happens when we talk, and how it makes me feel, because I'm sure you don't mean to be upsetting me'?

I think the issue is more that he minimises your feelings. That's what's bothering you. He makes you feel unimportant by walking away, and then makes your feelings about it feel unimportant too, by dismissing them, in repeating the action that bothered you. It compounds itself.

Have you asked him how he feels about the fact that he's upsetting you?

In response I generally go between getting very irritated and giving him a drop dead stare, or walking off and ignoring him entirely until I've calmed down.

I can usually bring it up later, after the moment has passed, and he will acknowledge his behaviour.

I just don't want to have to keep doing that. It's infuriating

Yep it’s rude but you don’t need to divorce him, do it back to him…

I had a friendship with a chap who loved to talk, but whose eyes glazed visibly when I got a turn 🙄 and he never remembered things I'd told him so he clearly wasn't listening. That was one of several reasons that I let the friendship slide.

This is difficult but clearly he’s totally bored and disinterested in what yoire saying. For me it’s not just him who is the issue. You must be able to see he’s bored and disinterested but you continue anyway. If someone Is bored and disinterested stop fucking talking. It’s rude for him to disengage, it’s rude for you to subject him to sitting and listening to shite he doesn’t want to know about when you know it, you can see it in his eyes, they glaze over.

both of you are in the wrong.

I've just done it to him, he looked very confused 😂

I engaged him in conversation...let him get to the important bit...and then just walked out of the room

So petty but I feel he deserves it!

It felt odd to be so rude tbh. I'm sure it will feel less so with practice 🤣