Is it me or is this incredibly rude?!

[gahwhyme]

DH has a habit of wandering off while I'm speaking to him 🤯

He does it at least once a day.

This morning, for example, we were talking about something fairly benign. He said his piece, I got halfway through my response and he'd wandered off in to the lounge to do something for the kids.

I mean sometimes I understand, kids etc.

But other times it's just us. Example, Sunday I was talking about a dr app I need to make. I looked up and he'd turned his back on me to look out the window. Completely disengaged.

I've raised it and he has said oh yea that was rude. Apologies I'll try not to do that. Yet it continues. It makes me feel murderous!!

@Activelyannoyed that's a fair point if I was going on and on for ages. He does this when we're having a two minute conversation about something he wants to discuss.

I'm not a performing monkey that should have to work for his attention. He's a grown man who should have the manners to be present for a short space of time

Are you married to my husband?!
DH does this and if I say I was talking to him, he’ll say “oh sorry, I didn’t realise….” I think it’s just that he just zones out. I can often see when he’s doing it because he looks glazed and vague, but sometimes he gives “yeah” or grunt replies and then later has no recollection of the convo.
I honestly don’t talk a lot, go off on long tangents, repeat the same stories etc. In fact I’m quite the opposite, I’m not much of a talker at all. I think it’s that age-old thing of men getting into the habit of not listening to their wives. Sometimes I think I should get his male cousin or a colleague to tell him the message, then he’d hear and remember!

As you have discussed this before, can you bring it up as a problem that needs a solution.

My STBXH used to do this to me a lot, not walk away, but just stop listening. He would then not remember important stuff I had told him. But of course that was my fault.

Sometimes if the other partner was giving too much detail, one of us would say “then the earth cooled” to imply they don’t need to know the whole history and thought process. A bit like - cut to the chase please.

Another thing I found useful was the idea that women/some people just need to let off steam(vent/rant), whereas men/some people always try to problem solve.

So typically the wife come homes and talks about something at work. It is a sort of problem but there’s no easy answer, she just needs to voice her thoughts, and hopefully get sympathy.

The husband thinks she wants to hear his solutions, offers something, it doesn’t get taken up so he switches off.

Both end up a little frustrated. I think this is from the book Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. It’s a bit naff, and obviously not all men and women neatly fit this dichotomy. But it helped me to say - I just need to talk it out, I don’t want a solution.

There’s probably something in this

i find it a bit frustrating when someone wants to talk at length about something they are unhappy about but whenever a solution is offered they say they are not interested. It does make the whole exchange more of an experience of being talked at. Perhaps I look less interested when that happens.

DH does it sometimes. I stop talking immediately and there's usually a little pause and then he calls out 'I'm still listening' in an annoyed manner, as if I should seamlessly go from addressing a person I can see to a brick wall or door with the same tone of voice, volume, hand gestures or whatever. Communication is not his strong suit and we don't communicate much anyway. It's just one of many examples. We rub along OK but I just don't discuss anything with him unless I know I have his full attention e.g. in the car. I definitely don't drone on - I am very selective about what I bring up with him for the reason just given.

That’s all very well but what if you are trying to convey some important information that is complicated and takes time to get across? Like a joint decision on finances or renovations? We can’t all sit around until our spouses are in a particularly receptive mood, especially when a deadline is involved.

Op, my dh does this, it is rude, and you are definitely not BU!

This is just like my BIL! He so hilarious - just walks off halfway through a conversation. Also really forgetful. Anyway, he's just been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD - which makes SO much sense!

What do you mean by benign?

@getoutof gentle, friendly chat that shouldn't need him to leave the room to take a breather.

More on the side of a nice local restaurant reopening, rather than the state of the UK economy.

Lightweight, normal, low-key chat

Can you not say to him 'Are you walking away when I'm in the middle of telling you something? We've talked about this and you apologised.'

My DH goes on and on and on. I once made the mistake of asking what happened in his book……..40 mins later he was still rabbiting on.

Then there was the time I asked about Game of Thrones…BIG MISTAKE.

@Watchkeys I could try that next time. I do feel he'd be more likely to be a bit stroppy if I did it in the moment though.

Although I did tell him at the time previously and he was surprisingly fine.

The issue is he hates making mistakes or being seen as "wrong" so it's hard to gauge a reaction

The issue is he hates making mistakes or being seen as "wrong" so it's hard to gauge a reaction

Have you discussed this with him?

There's something going wrong in the way the two of you are communicating. I mean, the fact that he's not interested in what you're saying in the first place - what's that about? Is he generally curious about your views on things, or do you often feel like he's not interested?

@gahwhyme I don't think that's the right word 😂. But I understand now. Yes he sounds a bit rude

This.

Could he be on the autism spectrum? It maybe due to him not reading social cues

@ViewFromAfar Possibly. I don't know much about autism tbh but others have suggested it.

The below would certainly apply to him.

•	finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling
•	seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to
•	finding it hard to say how you feel
•	taking things very literally 
•	liking to plan things carefully before doing them

Those points sound very similar to my partner and step son, both of whom are on the high functioning end of the spectrum!

They both struggle with social cues, so will walk off mid conversation or if we are walking next to each other, she can walk on ahead oblivious to my pace, even mid sentence! Our boy is the opposite, he's a teenager but cannot read where I may stand so constantly trips you up.

Communication can be really difficult for them. They often feel immensely but struggle to communicate it.. which can lead to conflict/ feeling overwhelmed. My family are often very honest/ blunt and lack theory of mind which is the ability of being able to understand someone else's mental state/ perspective. My partner has learnt to think how a situation would make me feel, rather than it being a natural process to her if that makes sense.

Have a read into it, even without a formal diagnosis, you may find it useful to see their way of thinking! It is important to remember that neither of our thinking styles are right or wrong, just different.

I pull my DH up on this regularly. If I'm talking to him and he walks out of the room then I stop mid sentence, wait for him to realise he can't hear me and him to shout from another room that he "missed that" then I tell him I'll carry on when he's in the same room as me. He also has a problem with not looking up from his phone when I speak, making noises as if he's listening to me but then when questioned hasn't got a clue what I said. I tell him how rude and disrespectful he is every time. Hoping he gets in one day!

My DH does this, he has ASD and ADHD which I think is the main cause

I used to work for a man like this. Zero interest in what anyone else had to say but when challenged he completely denied it!