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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting? Weird behaviour? Both those things?

31 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/11/2022 23:14

I ended this 20+ year relationship for a variety of reasons in autumn last year but we have stayed in touch and met up occasionally for a drink/chat. No interest whatsoever of getting back with this guy as a partner. We have chatted by text this week, as he has been supporting his friend (who I know) who has marriage problems and a very ill brother in hospital.

Ex rang me on landline tonight which is at the top of the landing (long saga; new broadband had to be fed through the upstairs wall). My youngest cat, who's only a baby (and Siamese so a bit of a showoff), was pirouetting on the banister and newel post and I was worried she'd fall, flail and scratch me so I told her to get down - twice as she jumped up and did it again. He mimicked me talking to the cat and said I should have taken the call away from the cat. Not possible given he rang me on the landline and she has an obsession with the phone when it rings.

Then he said that he rang on the landline because I failed to answer my mobile, and on checking there was no call from him since the weekend. Texted him and told him that later. He swore that he had rung me, and I told him again no, he hadn't, I'd checked my call lists. Went to bed.

The landline rang again and it was him telling me I was disturbing him reading in bed and yes he had called me, and texted me, and I was boring him. (He had been drinking). And the book was boring him too. I ended the call as I was beyond bored.

I'm not asking for advice, probably just sharing how weird this behaviour is. I tried to work him out for years in the last few years of my relationship with him and gave up as a bad job.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 15/11/2022 23:21

You're well out of it. He's an unpleasant git.

HotPotato787 · 15/11/2022 23:28

Cut off contact with him. He likes to occupy and manipulate your thoughts, that’s unhealthy and disturbing.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/11/2022 23:45

HotPotato787 · 15/11/2022 23:28

Cut off contact with him. He likes to occupy and manipulate your thoughts, that’s unhealthy and disturbing.

I was quite shocked at the unpleasantness this evening.

He's been like that in the past with me over the years - not all the time, they never are - and I always gave as good as I got but it got exhausting, and I was so sick of it when it blew up on holiday that I ended it.

I was shocked, though, because we're not in a relationship, he's nothing to gain from this behaviour towards me because I don't see enough of him/not in a relationship for it to have any impact. Well, I am pissed off, but not upset, hurt or affected. Interested enough to discuss it, but not enough to care that much, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 15/11/2022 23:48

he's nothing to gain from this behaviour towards me because I don't see enough of him/not in a relationship for it to have any impact.

Hes in your head. He knows he's annoyed you (again). That is enough for him.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/11/2022 23:51

I tried to work him out for years in the last few years of my relationship with him and gave up as a bad job.

Why are you prolonging any contact at all with this pain in the arse?

Theunamedcat · 15/11/2022 23:56

Unplug your landline then he will have to call you on your mobile and you can block him

imSatanhonest · 16/11/2022 00:29

Go in your mobile and block his number. Unplug your landline. With some companies you can block numbers on landlines too.

He's a prick who wants himself in your headspace. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 01:40

Send a text to him tonight. I don’t want you to ever call me again. If you do I will report you to the police.

AgentJohnson · 16/11/2022 06:33

His behaviour is apparently same old Ashe old, the confusing and weird thing is why you are still in contact with him. He’s a knob, time to permanently delete him from your life.

GreyCarpet · 16/11/2022 06:59

Tbh, you're not really helping yourself are you? As someone else said, unplug your landline and block him on your mobile. Just don't talk to him.

At the moment, you're repeatedly stabbing yourself in the leg and wondering why your leg hurts 🤷🏻‍♀️

Antaboo · 16/11/2022 07:00

It seems his behaviour is unchanged. It was a significant cause of your breakup and has continued to cause issues afterwards.

Accept that he is unchanged and as long as you engage with him he will vex you and occasionally upset or disturb you.

Perhaps he is prone to talking to everyone around him like this, regardless of relationship status - and in a period of boredom or post drinking loneliness he decided to rattle your cage.

GreyCarpet · 16/11/2022 07:04

We have chatted by text this week, as he has been supporting his friend (who I know) who has marriage problems and a very ill brother in hospital

And tbh I fail to see why either of these things are of any interest to you or any of your business. It boils down to gossip really.

The only thing you can he getting out of it is that you like to feel like he needs you or you just like knowing what's going on.

Summerof22 · 16/11/2022 07:10

Out of curiosity. What was so important that he (allegedly) rang you in your mobile and then on the landline?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/11/2022 07:18

If this were my ex, he'd just be wanting someone to fill the loneliness and make him feel important. And the tiresome arguing would be an incapacity to believe he could be wrong about anything!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 07:20

GreyCarpet · 16/11/2022 06:59

Tbh, you're not really helping yourself are you? As someone else said, unplug your landline and block him on your mobile. Just don't talk to him.

At the moment, you're repeatedly stabbing yourself in the leg and wondering why your leg hurts 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, it's not exactly hurting me, I'm more bemused and irritated than hurt. And because I don't see him regularly (once since early September) and we're not talking and texting daily he's not sufficiently on my radar. I was posting here more to explore the behaviour really than anything else or to ask what to do.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 07:22

Summerof22 · 16/11/2022 07:10

Out of curiosity. What was so important that he (allegedly) rang you in your mobile and then on the landline?

Nothing really just chit chat. He's spending time with his best friend who's having serious marriage issues and whose brother is seriously ill in hospital. But I don't need to know all that, it was just for chat, simple as.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 16/11/2022 07:25

Why are you bothering with him at all.

By the way, your cat sounds lovely!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 07:26

GreyCarpet · 16/11/2022 07:04

We have chatted by text this week, as he has been supporting his friend (who I know) who has marriage problems and a very ill brother in hospital

And tbh I fail to see why either of these things are of any interest to you or any of your business. It boils down to gossip really.

The only thing you can he getting out of it is that you like to feel like he needs you or you just like knowing what's going on.

No I'm not particularly interested other than I know the friend in question and hope he gets things sorted in the same way as I would with anyone. Let's not use the dreaded I word!!!

I didn't ask about the friend, my ex told me. I don't think he needs me at all and I don't get a kick from thinking he does.

I ended the relationship in civilised and friendly terms, having known him since university. There wasn't animosity so we continued to chat occasionally.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 16/11/2022 07:28

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 01:40

Send a text to him tonight. I don’t want you to ever call me again. If you do I will report you to the police.

Why involve the police?

BankseyVest · 16/11/2022 07:30

If you're not interested in what he's telling you, why on Earth are you still talking to him? What do you get out of the relationship you currently have with him?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 07:38

BankseyVest · 16/11/2022 07:30

If you're not interested in what he's telling you, why on Earth are you still talking to him? What do you get out of the relationship you currently have with him?

As I said I didn't end it acrimoniously so no reason to cut contact, block etc. I don't mind occasionally catching up which is normally fine. It's not that I get anything out of it, or conversely am not interested, it's simple chat rather like work colleague chat. I don't mind that. But last night was weird and I wasn't getting into boundaries and discussions about behaviour at almost midnight with someone who's had a few sherbets.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 16/11/2022 07:40

Just block his bloody number!
By answering you are playing his game.

Prettybubblesintheair · 16/11/2022 07:51

The thing is despite all your protests that you’re fine, you “don’t mind” staying in touch etc you quite obviously do care as you cared enough to write a post at 11:15 at night. Just cut ties, you gain absolutely nothing from being in touch. Stop pretending you’re observing this behaviour completely unaffected and just mildly interested in why someone might behave this way. You are affected and why does it even matter? He’s sufficiently on your radar and he knows it.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 08:10

Prettybubblesintheair · 16/11/2022 07:51

The thing is despite all your protests that you’re fine, you “don’t mind” staying in touch etc you quite obviously do care as you cared enough to write a post at 11:15 at night. Just cut ties, you gain absolutely nothing from being in touch. Stop pretending you’re observing this behaviour completely unaffected and just mildly interested in why someone might behave this way. You are affected and why does it even matter? He’s sufficiently on your radar and he knows it.

I'm not "pretending" anything and I didn't say I was completely unaffected either. I did say I wasn't hurt or upset but I am bemused.

I was in a relationship with the guy for over 20 years from university days, so really became an adult in this relationship. I guess what I'm doing is questioning it and maybe evaluating it. It's sometimes not simply a matter of "it's over forget it" but looking back at things as an a-ha! moment and what to watch out for if I ever decide to start dating again.

OP posts:
BankseyVest · 16/11/2022 08:38

As I said I didn't end it acrimoniously so no reason to cut contact, block etc. I don't mind occasionally catching up which is normally fine. It's not that I get anything out of it, or conversely am not interested, it's simple chat rather like work colleague chat. I don't mind that. But last night was weird and I wasn't getting into boundaries and discussions about behaviour at almost midnight with someone who's had a few sherbets

If it's like a chat with a work colleague ask yourself what you'd do if a work colleague did this to you?

If you want to continue to chat then I'd tell him his behaviour last night was out of order and if he starts down that line again just ignore him, unplug and switch off your phones and ignore him for the night. Personally if it happened again then I would block him, I couldn't be doing with the drama from someone who I only chat to on a surface level