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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gaslighting? Weird behaviour? Both those things?

31 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/11/2022 23:14

I ended this 20+ year relationship for a variety of reasons in autumn last year but we have stayed in touch and met up occasionally for a drink/chat. No interest whatsoever of getting back with this guy as a partner. We have chatted by text this week, as he has been supporting his friend (who I know) who has marriage problems and a very ill brother in hospital.

Ex rang me on landline tonight which is at the top of the landing (long saga; new broadband had to be fed through the upstairs wall). My youngest cat, who's only a baby (and Siamese so a bit of a showoff), was pirouetting on the banister and newel post and I was worried she'd fall, flail and scratch me so I told her to get down - twice as she jumped up and did it again. He mimicked me talking to the cat and said I should have taken the call away from the cat. Not possible given he rang me on the landline and she has an obsession with the phone when it rings.

Then he said that he rang on the landline because I failed to answer my mobile, and on checking there was no call from him since the weekend. Texted him and told him that later. He swore that he had rung me, and I told him again no, he hadn't, I'd checked my call lists. Went to bed.

The landline rang again and it was him telling me I was disturbing him reading in bed and yes he had called me, and texted me, and I was boring him. (He had been drinking). And the book was boring him too. I ended the call as I was beyond bored.

I'm not asking for advice, probably just sharing how weird this behaviour is. I tried to work him out for years in the last few years of my relationship with him and gave up as a bad job.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 16/11/2022 08:42

Why are you even giving this idiot headroom when you have a kitten needing tickles??

Fleurdaisy · 16/11/2022 08:44

He’s contacting you when he’s bored.
He wants your full attention because ( in his head) he’s sooooo important.
it gives him a sense of control over you.
He can hook you in for sympathy ( poor friend with sick brother and marital problems) and probably so you’ll agree with his feelings about friend, which makes him right and gives him an audience ( you).
There’s some of your reasons, whether you want to carry on being used like this is up to you.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/11/2022 09:07

He mimicked me talking to the cat and said I should have taken the call away from the cat.

Then he said that he rang on the landline because I failed to answer my mobile, and on checking there was no call from him since the weekend. Texted him and told him that later. He swore that he had rung me, and I told him again no, he hadn't, I'd checked my call lists. Went to bed.

The landline rang again and it was him telling me I was disturbing him reading in bed and yes he had called me, and texted me, and I was boring him

He's an entitled little shit isn't he?

You must not even pay attention to your cat when he chooses to summon you.
He positions you as "failing" to answer your landline - ie answer to him.
Rings your mobile next, pretended he hadn't ...
Then rings the landline again, just to insult you.

He's a twat, & PP are right - you are giving this a LOT of headspace & "methinks the lady doth protest too much".
It's not ok for anybody to be this rude & peremptory to you. Having been in a LTR with them makes no odds to that.

You don't owe him your attention. You certainly don't owe him your time, especially at Stupid O'Clock in the evening, when he is bored & wants to wind you up.
You know you're 'allowed' to tell him to piss off next time he annoys you, right?

hodgeheg22 · 16/11/2022 09:57

KettrickenSmiled · 16/11/2022 09:07

He mimicked me talking to the cat and said I should have taken the call away from the cat.

Then he said that he rang on the landline because I failed to answer my mobile, and on checking there was no call from him since the weekend. Texted him and told him that later. He swore that he had rung me, and I told him again no, he hadn't, I'd checked my call lists. Went to bed.

The landline rang again and it was him telling me I was disturbing him reading in bed and yes he had called me, and texted me, and I was boring him

He's an entitled little shit isn't he?

You must not even pay attention to your cat when he chooses to summon you.
He positions you as "failing" to answer your landline - ie answer to him.
Rings your mobile next, pretended he hadn't ...
Then rings the landline again, just to insult you.

He's a twat, & PP are right - you are giving this a LOT of headspace & "methinks the lady doth protest too much".
It's not ok for anybody to be this rude & peremptory to you. Having been in a LTR with them makes no odds to that.

You don't owe him your attention. You certainly don't owe him your time, especially at Stupid O'Clock in the evening, when he is bored & wants to wind you up.
You know you're 'allowed' to tell him to piss off next time he annoys you, right?

All of this.

Why are you giving him head space? You're not together anymore. You owe him nothing.

stuntbubbles · 16/11/2022 10:11

Block him on mobile. Change your landline number. There! He no longer gets to occupy space in your head rent-free.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/11/2022 10:15

Deathraystare · 16/11/2022 07:25

Why are you bothering with him at all.

By the way, your cat sounds lovely!

Here she is!

Gaslighting? Weird behaviour? Both those things?
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