Husband left me!

[ph2]

My Husband left me 5 months ago after 19 years together, he told me that he didn't love me anymore and just wanted to be happy. It's really knocked me as I just didn't see it coming I honestly thought we were happy! and I have been really struggling ever since, friends just keep saying I need to move on, I wish it was that easy I have never felt so low does anyone have any advice?

I'm sure they're trying to help, but it sounds like your friends are being a bit unrealistic. You don't just 'move on' from a shock like that. You need to be kind to yourself. Do you have any children at home? Has your husband started divorce procedings?

I have my daughter 14 at home with me 90% he has her for tea 1 night a week and she's only stayed 3 nights with him since he left. No he's not mentioned about getting divorced.

Do you think he’s seeing someone else? Men rarely smash up a convenient family unit without anywhere to go.

Take control. File for divorce don't be a passenger.

What was his reason for leaving the marriage, sadly too often there's another woman hiding.

OP, sorry to read this. It must be utterly painful for you and your daughter. Do you have family or really good, close friends you can talk this through with if you need to?

Your husband has told you how he feels and moved out. I know that posters will rush in with their 'cherchez la femme' trope but you've not mentioned anything to suggest that and it's really unhelpful when posters do that.

I expect your friends mean well by telling you to 'move on' but it rankles as it often comes across as 'stop talking about this'. Tell them how that 'move on' comment makes you feel. For now, you're processing at your own speed.

Hurts like hell. You won't always feel so awful though.

I agree with Swampthing about filing for divorce. That you can take control of, no need for him to call all the shots.

I was about to say that you need to confirm it's a decision, and not just 'needing some space' for a while -- but then noted it was 5 months ago (!). So, I suggest you start talking about proper separation arrangements. Emotionally, I once read that it takes about a month of recovery for each year of marriage. So, it will take some time before you feel things are moving on. Maybe taking control by starting a no-fault divorce would help? Otherwise lots may be 'up in the air' about homes, bills, etc.

I don't think there is another women I think it would have come out by now if there was. He has moved out and is renting a flat we have sorted all the financial side we are tied into our mortgage for another 3 years so have agreed to both pay half until the deal ends then either sell or I will need to buy him out. I'm just emotionally such a mess, I feel my friends are getting tired of me been so down all the time and I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

Your marriage has ended, suddenly after 19 years. Your husband of 19 years is gone.

If he'd died in a car crash, I think your friends wouldn't be expecting you to move on. They're being unfair and unrealistic..and not good friends.

Look at this like grief, because it is. If your friends can't be supportive then they're showing themselves up. It's not a reflection on you.

And I agree, go to a lawyer and get this finalised. Your ex has shown that he doesn't value contracts (marriage), so don't leave yourself vulnerable to him changing his mind about something. Protect yourself and your DD. Get everything in writing and legally signed off on. In three years he could be with someone else (he's plenty of time to fine someone with his little he sees DD) and she could influence him to alter your arrangement. Protect yourself.

Divorce him now. He'd like to wait 3-4 years until DD was an adult and he needed to give you nothing, I am sure. Don't let him.

Have you had advice from a solicitor?

No I've not spoken with a Solicitor I am ok with the financial side it's the emotional side I'm struggling with I miss him everyday and just wish he would come back

How much contact do you have with him now, OP? Do you know what he's doing on a day-to-day basis? Is his health ok?

I'll say what I always say in these situations - it's time to start getting angry. He's left you, no explanation and, even worse, he's basically left your daughter too. He barely sees her. What a scumbag. I'd be absolutely 100% LIVID if DH walked away from our DC, never mind me.

Doesn't mean you can't be sad or grieving. But based on what you're saying on here, I am guessing your friends are feeling frustrated that you seem to still be waiting for him to come back. Even though he's proven that he's a complete dickhead and has no interest in returning. But by not getting divorced, he's just leaving it hanging.

Also, you say you're happy with the financial agreement but I'd agree with others - what is really going on here. It sounds suspicious. So he's paying half the mortgage while you live in the house, so that is good, of course. But when you buy him out/sell how will the split happen? Who is paying for your DD's day to day expenses etc?

Men who just walk away like this are seldom good men and there's likely to be far more shitty things that he is doing or will do.

We message when we need to but other then that have very limited contact. I only know what he's doing if I hear through my sister in law who is also one of my close friends. On top of paying half the mortgage he does give me money each week for my daughter. we will just split the equity 50/50

Is it possible he's ill, OP?

I really don't know he has struggled with his mental health in the past, but from what I can gather he's ok and happy

OP I think it would help you a lot if you found out why he has left. Is there something you are not telling us

He has told her that. Doesn’t love her anymore and wants to be happy so clearly not happy. Do you need to know the reasons leading to this as it’s more likely he will have the answers to that, not the OP.

I've told you as much as I know when I have tried pushing him for a reason he just says he doesn't want to discuss it and that he's told me he just doesn't love me anymore

How frustrating for you. What does that even mean? Nobody feels exactly the same way after 19 years - relationships go through phases. So, what made him leave? What's he hoping to achieve? To be quite frank, you've stuck by him for 19 years, so what makes him think he's so special that this isn't good enough? He keeps saying he doesn't love you anymore, like that's all about him, when after 19 years, that's actually a really hurtful thing to say to someone. Sounds like he's not going to come up with an answer, though.

I've been through this OP, same reasons for leaving, then started blaming me for making him unhappy. Eventually over a year later I found out there was an OW. It was only then that my sadness turned to anger. I still don't feel able to move on years later.

I have no advice OP except time, I'm sorry

This. My husband did the same and it took me almost a year to file. I was an idiot and should have filed straight away. I thought he wants it he can file, but no. There is no coming back from this. File, head up, and realize you have a whole life that is yours. It will suck for a while, but you will get through it.

OP My way of thinking is there will be a reason he is not telling you because he is not ready to tell you yet in case you go ballistic.
Is he keeping you sweet in case you take him to the cleaners perhaps?
This is a message forum and you are asking for advice so shooting from the hip here - I think he has another woman in tow.
I am sorry you are in so much pain, but you need to consider yourself here and not wait on him coming back. This is your life and we only have one.
I have been here.. my husband cleared off leaving me with debts and no help for our three children. Looking back he did me the biggest favour he could ever have done and I just wish he had done it years before.