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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left me!

38 replies

ph2 · 15/11/2022 13:02

My Husband left me 5 months ago after 19 years together, he told me that he didn't love me anymore and just wanted to be happy. It's really knocked me as I just didn't see it coming I honestly thought we were happy! and I have been really struggling ever since, friends just keep saying I need to move on, I wish it was that easy I have never felt so low does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

RFPO77 · 16/11/2022 13:04

I know you don't believe it but it really sounds like there's an OW, it would be easy to clear her out one evening a week when DD comes to tea. Don't trust SIL either. I know you think she's one of your BFFs but her loyalties lie elsewhere and family will lie for their own, no matter how long you've known each other xx

MakingNBaking · 16/11/2022 13:19

Whatever, as painful as it is for you, he doesn't want to share his life with you anymore. I'm sorry. Maybe at some point in the future your daughter will come to you with a sad situation and your advice to her would be "leave, choose happy". If it were you wanting to leave, then I hope your relatives and friends would be telling you to "leave, choose happy". It's just bloody hard when the boot is on the other foot.
I think if you are so sure there is no OW, then you need to ask him once he imagines there is hope for reconciliation. When you receive a negative answer then it's time to look after No 1 and file for divorce. He left you as you are now, not as you will be in 4 years and any agreements and settlements should be based on the Now.
It's shit, I know, but it has to be done. Look after yourself.

crosshatching · 16/11/2022 14:28

I really think you should go and see a solicitor. This came at you from out of the blue but has likely been planned by him for some time. Don't let your sadness hurt your financial future, you need to make sure you and your daughter have as secure a future as possible.

I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage - it must be a dreadful grief. But you will have plenty of time to mourn it. I don't mean go into battle, I just mean make sure nothing has been hidden from you and that your heartbreak and desire to stay on good terms isn't going to damage your position.

Neverhot · 16/11/2022 14:33

I'm sorry op but I'd prepare yourself for the very real possibility that there is a OW. He may be hiding it for now with the intention of making out he just met her without looking like the bad guy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/11/2022 14:37

Sorry op, but i would bet there’s an OW, you just haven’t found it yet. Someone will appear out of the woodwork very soon as a ‘new’ relationship…. Take back your power, see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings, dont be a passenger in your own life.

SpaceOP · 16/11/2022 16:46

ph2 · 16/11/2022 12:27

I've told you as much as I know when I have tried pushing him for a reason he just says he doesn't want to discuss it and that he's told me he just doesn't love me anymore

I regularly rant to friends that tv and movies, and to a lesser extent books, have a LOT to answer for. In shows, there's always closure of some sort. The person realises what really happened and is able to accept it. There's some kind of message from or opportunity to say goodbye to the dead/dying person. The person in the wrong receives their come tuppence....

In real life, this doesn't happen and things just don't make sense.

You need to accept that you can't make sense of it. Continuing to feel grief and hurt is totally normal and expected. But waiting for an answer is not going to help because there is none. Instead, take him returning off the table and think about what you can do that might make you feel better - is his stuff still in your house? Get rid of it and start making it your own. Is there a hobby you always wanted to try? Now is the time.

And please, increase your expectations. Why would you want to be with a man who has so little regard for you and for your child?

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 22:55

Fuck off @Debra11. Disgusting trying to prey on vulnerable people. How low can you get.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 17/11/2022 23:00

I read on here after ex-h left expect it to take at least 1 month per year together to move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2022 23:03

I'd bet my house there's another woman. He's feeding you The Script. Take control and get yourself to a solicitor. You do not want this man back.

SandyY2K · 18/11/2022 00:23

Sometimes people fall out of love...it happens. When women come here saying that, they get a lot if sympathy for it and are rid to leave if they're not happy.

It just seems a bit strange that you thought you were happily married and he didn't feel the same... and from your understanding, it was out of the blue.

My brother got divorce and my ex SIL contacted me in surprise when he said he wanted a divorce. She just minimised the things he had told her over time and didn't think they were things that would end a marriage.

Your husband is fine with the marriage, so whether there's an OW or not...he's done. Perhaps seek therapy, giving you a safe space to talk, because friends will get fed up of hearing it and it doesn't mean they're bad friends, if they don't want to hear it anymore.

FlowerArranger · 18/11/2022 00:36

You need to gather ALL financial documentation - including pensions!! - and see an experienced family solicitor. Anything else would be madness.

Quarique · 24/11/2022 12:03

Suggest a 65% split in your favour rather than 50/50.

Mari9999 · 24/11/2022 19:00

Would you want to stay tied to a man who no longer loves you? Is it possible that what you experienced as love for him was just familiarity and comfort?

People are asking about an OW, but if he no longer loves you, does it really matter about an OW? I cannot imagine anything more painful than having someone stay with me out of pity and a sense of obligation.

Start thinking of yourself as an independent and capable woman. If you loved him, you can also ,in time, love someone else.

In this moment, you need to be taking steps to get your life in order legally and financially. That may be unpleasant and even painful at times, but it is necessary and may give you a temporary sense of purpose.

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