Do you ignore calls when your man is around?

[PicnicBunny]

Just wondering…
I always answer the phone, or reply, text back people if I’m busy even when I’m with my family, kids, and my husband. Working is different, phone switched off. My friend always ignores my calls and text messages when her new boyfriend is around. Like three days in a row I mean. Not just hours. She will call back when the weekend is over and talk. I’ve asked her why, her bf does know she has friends and she said because they don’t get enough time.. or she can’t just leave him in other room and talk to me.

hmmm… I’ve never met her man. Just hasn’t happened he’s busy she’s busy we’re busy, made effort to meet, but after a while (and he treated her awfully for a while I head from her, I took the stance to not make an effort that I have to meet him) She has been seeing him for a while now, years. I’ve never noticed it to bother me, but this last weekend it suddenly registered because she wanted me to know I shouldn’t call when she’s with her man.

I ignore calls and messages if I'm in any sort of company. Friends, partner, whoever. It's basic politeness. I certainly don't drop everything or pause a conversation to reply to messages, and if someone did that to me I'd think them tremendously rude.

Unless I'm either expecting an important phone call from a specific person or if I'm just chilling with DP and we're both scrolling through phones casually (ie, hanging in the same room but not actually in conversation).

I rarely reply to messages immediately either, unless it requires a quick answer that I know off the top of my head, or is some sort of logistical arrangement.

Calling back a few days later when someone actually has time to chat is totally normal (not that I do this as I'm not a fan of talking on the phone generally).

I put my phone on silent if I’m out on a date or at his house. That time is precious. Afaik my friends do the same.

Her man, my man, your man

What is this shit ?

I'm married and if someone rings me, I answer the phone. I can see who it is. If we are in the middle of dinner I'll just say, I'll call you back. My husband is family and I see him every evening. I live with him. It is important that I make time for the rest of my friends and family too.

Well no, Im happy to take a call with him around (unless the friend is telling me something sensitive or we are doing something specific such as in our own important convo or at dinner), brings him into my life more.

Is their time together genuinely limited, long distance, shore leave, whatever? I was in a couple of LDRs and would have preferred to save chats with friends for when we didn't have our 2 days together.

Sounds like the bigger issue is his treatment of her earlier on

I'd reply to texts, but I wouldn't settle down for a long chat when I had "company"

@PicnicBunny but after a while (and he treated her awfully for a while I head from her, I took the stance to not make an effort that I have to meet him).

He treats her awful, she’s not allowed to pic up the phone, he’s isolating her from her friend etc… sorry to break you the news but your friend is in an abusive relationship.

Spending too much time with one person gets dull so I happily answer when others call as it often breaks up the monotony.

I'm married and been with DH for a long time. Short answer is 'it depends'. If he's just 'around' and we're not doing something together, I'm happy to have a good old chat with friends.

If we're watching something together, having a meal together, having a conversation together or having sex, I'm not going to interrupt and make him wait while I spend ages nattering to my mates.

How would you feel if you were having a night out with her and she spent most of the night on the phone to him? It's the same kind of thing surely.

Obviously lesbians always answer their phones?

I hate friends calling me if my Dh or kids are there. I just like to talk in private. I'm not hiding anything but hate people eavesdropping into my conversations.
It's the same when my friends want to drop by...can we just go to a coffee shop or a walk!? It just changes the dynamic when people are there that aren't part of the friendship group.

When I'm with my DP I very rarely look at my phone, but this is because for us when we are together we are spending quality time together and we only see each other a few nights a week. I may send a quick text response here and there but never would I have a non urgent chat with my friend or family on the phone when I'm with him.

However, in my previous LTR where I lived with my ex I would obviously text and answer phone calls, but I think that's because the dynamic is completely different when you're living with someone as opposed to only seeing them a few nights a week.

I hate friends calling me if my Dh or kids are there

But isn't your husband home most evenings? Are you in the house together most of the evening night?
Not being argumentative, but curious about other people's timelines. Get home from work about 7 and then for the evening we are mainly in the house together - cooking eating chilling watching tv. But this is our every evening routine - I'm not sure when you sweet spot timewise is for talking to people.

I absolutely hate being in someones company and they taking calls or responding to texts while I am there. The height of rudeness. If someone has called and I miss it I just message briefly to say unless urgent where of course I would call back, I am in company and will call as soon as free.

It depends what we're doing. We work from home together running our business, and spend most evenings together - so if we didn't answer the phone in the presence of each other we'd never speak to anyone else!

Generally, if we're doing something (i.e. eating, watching a film, talking about something specific and important) I'll text whoever is phoning saying I'll phone them back. If we're just chilling in the living room, and doing different things, I'll pick up but take it upstairs (unless it's a mutual friend then I'll put them on speaker and have a bit of a group chat).

Yeah but when you live with someone and you're always in their company, when are you meant to speak to people?

Could be Scottish? It's very common where I am to refer to your 'man' just as it is to say 'bairn' for child. You may also hear 'aye, Mary is married on Jim'

When married to my ex-husband I'd answer the phone unless we were doing something specific, but I'd usually go into another room if it was a long call, or a call from a close friend as I'd just prefer to have my phone calls in private.

Now, I'm not living with dp and wouldn't necessarily take a call if we are together as I don't want to spend all evening chatting to someone else when I could just catch up with them in the next day or so. It depends who it is though and what the call is likely to be about. If it's a friend calling for a catch up I'd most likely take the call and just ask if it's ok to call them back in a day or two, if it's teen ds I'd always take the call, but if it's my mother I probably wouldn't unless I think it's likely to be urgent.

Cringe isn’t it?

Like he’s a pet or possession

Fwiw I do ignore my phone for days at a time when I am lucky enough to get 1-2-1 time with a partner. Unless it’s my childcare it is ignored until I’m home/they leave.

Yes of course. Not if we were out for a meal or shagging but if we're just chilling at my place then I would, and he does too. I see him far more frequently than I do friends, but they don't drop in importance just because I've got a boyfriend. We don't live together.

That's how you know they're lesbians.

"Did they answer their phone?"
"Yes"
"Must be a lesbian".

Meant no cringe with the her man my man bit I know what you mean sorry ! Just wrote it fast as it came out, to describe it so it’s clear! Hahaha

‘my man’ lol and I have been together long time, over 21 years sort of like pets hahaha

but seriously, I guess what I meant was, I am comfortable enough to answer my phone no matter WHO I am with. My sister, my kids, my mum, wherever on a bus in a restaurant, text back for sure if I can’t ‘talk’. Is it because we have been together for a while, and maybe because he knows my relationships with other people he doesn’t mind if I need to pop to another room to chat (to sister or friend or someone)

I don’t want to assume everyone is like that. And that whole (he was horrible to my friend and so I took a stance against him - she had dumped him and then got back ) sometimes plays on my mind. We are good friends but when she was with her ex-husband she did used to answer her phone and talk. She even calls when she’s with her whole family and will sing me happy birthday and is so lively and chatty, in fact I try to give her time when she’s visiting her family (they live abroad )

but she makes the effort to talk and will talk even when she’s at work.

is it an abusive relationship? After the time she got back with this boyfriend - I didn’t try to interfere or ask too many questions. They must have smoothed things over.

Realised lately, she also does not meet any of his friends or his family ( they don’t live together, and both work long shifts and meet up sometimes )

all understandable. I have single friend who also makes time to talk… so doesn’t pick up all the time but does text. Never three days two days later because she’s with ‘her man’

yes yes I know everyone’s having sex and so do I tons ! But ffs surely there’s loo breaks ?

Is it more underneath ? That’s my side niggle

Lesbians wouldn’t have this problem surely?? Lol

It's a new boyfriend, let her enjoy the honeymoon phase with him for a while. She'll come up for air soon enough.

I am comfortable enough to answer my phone no matter WHO I am with

It's not about being comfortable. It's about being polite. I would find your behaviour quite rude OP. Perhaps your friend also does.