Ex and guilt over their situation

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Please be kind. I have posted before and i just wanted specific advice on how to feel less guilty and responsible. Yes its victim mentality and i know this but im finding it cripling.
Ex, father of my son, due to their own stupidity is in a bad finacial mess and may be being made homless. He has assets he can sell but for whatever reason seem reluctant to do so (think memorabilia or antiques). I ended our relationship 18mths or so ago due to suspected infedelity and actual drug use.
Im doing okay, been hard, but do 100% of childcre bar 1 weekend night a week and fit eveyething round work. He pays maintenance at 75 a month and has 3 other children from his mareige who are late teens.
Iv just had a big promotion at work, more money and life is okay but very busy.
Im finding it hard when he says hes not eating to feed our child on days have him.... As no money. Cant afford to get to work etc, pay his debts etc.
Hes historically wants rescuing and i think he belives ill step in and save him and i wont.
Any tips on grey rocking this or managing it better?

Yes OP. I think you already know as you mention grey rocking! But how I think of it is: I just make an agreement with myself to say no (I’m currently leaving a difficult man). The action goes something like this:

1. He complains, pleads, implies poverty and starvation…
2. You do not consider what he is saying at all, but leave a beat to remind yourself of how brilliant you are in having the strength to do this, which he will interpret as thinking it over.
3. You say no.

Repeat ad infinitum.

If you have extra money or resources.. give it to a refugee charity. He is completely in charge of his victim mentality and he will be badly off no matter what you do, because he wants you and everyone to feel sorry for him. And if you did give him anything know the longer you support him, the longer until he finally gets it, that that’s not your responsibility now and never was, and starts supporting himself.

Good luck leaving your diffuclt man!
He knows all my buttons and is very effective at pushing them.

Just be quite firm 'sorry you're having trouble but I can't help'. Then ignore. Is he asking his ex wife too? Try and reason with yourself why you are not responsible for this man, at all. Then remind yourself of those reasons when he comes moaning to you. Every time. If he is made homeless rather than sell his antiques, that's his clear choice. He is not a hard luck case, just an idiot.

I remember your other thread!!

"Oh that's a shame, you always have your shitty crap to sell so at least you aren't destitute like so many others at the moment"

Rinse and repeat.

How do you communicate by text or in person?

Personally what I would do is have an story about the child lined up so when he complains about xyz you can say did I tell you about what x did? Just ignore it in other words distract redirect

And send your child with a packed lunch

If that doesn't work be clear and firm short sentences

We are split up

I'm not helping you

YOU need to sort this

We are not in a relationship

This is simply not my business

Or

I'm not comfortable discussing your private business unless it directly effects our child

Thanks, it sounds daft but i feel dreadful about the situation but it isnt my responsiblity and 100% his fault

Why would you divert resources from your child to him?

I would tell him that you already do practically everything for your child and he pays a pittance in maintenance each month. And if he's struggling, you suggest he either sells stuff or uses his child-free evenings/ nights/ weekend days to get a second job. Which you can't do because you're looking after your joint child.

And if he's such a shit father that he can't feed his child when he has them, you'll help by sending a sandwich and a bag of crisps for the child but no further.

Why would you? You're not his mother. He's an adult and needs to get his shit together.

Get yourself to therapy. It would be understandable to be sad but not guilty.

He has thousands of pounds available to him in his "collection" he values that more than his son or having a place to live.

You have a lot of serious unpicking to do around why you feel guilty/think it's your responsibility etc.

He seems quite the cocklodger that will move onto someone else with his sob story. You were taken in by him at the start of your relationship, why was that?

I think try to separate those two pieces of information.

It's OK to feel compassion for someone you once loved who is experiencing hard times, even if he is not helping himself. No need to try and harden your heart entirely. You can feel sorry for a stranger.

More importantly though, is the fact that it's not your fault or responsibility. That is the main thing that will stop you feeling like you need to step in. Remind yourself that he has assets etc, he would just prefer to leech off you and take advantage of your good nature rather than sell them.

I agree and i did have therapy post split and therapust point to gaslighting and low self esteem on my part.
It would be useful to do more but i didnt have funds at the time.

You're not daft for feeling guilty. He knows you'll feel guilty and is using it to manipulate you into rescuing him. If you do it, you enable him, so you won't actually be helping him. The best way to help yourself and him is to avoid situations where you can be manipulated.

One way to do this is to set a boundary that from now on, the two of you only discuss childcare and nothing else. You maintain a civil dialogue about what time pick ups and drop offs and whatever happen. Anything outside of that, you don't respond to.

If that's too tricky to achieve or you feel it would be inflammatory and put you in danger or create more hassle than it's worth, then your other option is to listen to the feelings that come up in your body.

Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG). Whenever you feel any of those things around a person, it's a sign that you're being manipulated. Never act out of fear, obligation, or guilt. Make that your mantra.

Does your place of work have any mental health support you can tap into?

There are some good self help books around.

You need to read up a lot on FOG and how to work through it.

What is he saying to you and when? Can you drop DS off hand make a sharp exit. Stop engaging in conversation with him?

He is doing it quite deliberately hoping you will let him move back and and stop claiming maintenance.

You know he could claim Child Benefit and get UC to rent somewhere and have told him this, yet he hasn't so he is deliberately choosing to stay in his current situation for a reason.

I'd signpost him to citizens advice or stepchange and go about your day OP. Don't get dragged into his bad luck.

Remember that the best thing you can do for him and by extension your children, is to make him sort his own problems out. He will never learn to take responsibility if he is constantly rescued by others.

Don't let him claim the child benefit ffs he can then claim child support off you thats a benefit for children who live WITH you

I dont think it wouod provided they spent more overnights with me a week! 6 out of of 7.
It woukd just help him acess housing

Well can't he get housing benefit or sell his belongings?

No idea if as single male hed be eligable for it on his wage and yes he absoulty can sell them and he should

I was on your last thread I think. He's just trying to guilt you because he is in this mindset of being the victim. I'd aim to simply continue to ignore it, but if you really can't, use a version of the same response as needed: If he's not eating to feed your child, then reply, "I can't believe a figurine of hans solo is more important than you eating. but that's your decision. What time should I drop off DD?"

Can't afford to to work, "Wow, Chebacca would probably get you enough petrol for a month until you actually got paid. In the meantime, I'll pack DD's wellies shall I if you're walking everywhere?"

I do understand how hard it is. SIL is in a similar situation.

Is this the guy who you were considering allowing to move back in with you?

No i suspect he wants to and is pushing hard to reconcile, its a no.
Im trying to be supportive but im failing a tad

Thats some good advice to re direct.. Ohh well if you sold x you could eat.
I think even just if in my own head and not out loud

The circumstances he finds himself in are all his own making.

He cheated so his relationship ended
He has to pay maint for 4 children
He refuses to sell assets
He's a drug user
He won't find a way to go to work

All if the above are within his control, remember that when he's trying to pull at your heart strings.

If he'd become ill and couldn't work, or had an accident, or been left with all the dc so couldn't work then I might be slightly more accommodating in your shoes but this really isn't the case. All of the issues which has led to his current situation weee all avoidable!

He is using the lack of food for your child to manipulate you, and it's a low blow. Continue to say, I'm not able to help with that, and believe that it's not your responsiblity. In practical terms I think I'd be sending food for your DS with him for his visit, cereal, a pint of milk, and a couple of packed "lunches" so you know that he is fed.

If he is going to unravel, lose his home etc he will do it whether you bail him out with intermittent handouts or not. You can't save him from his own choices and maybe when he has to face the consequences of him he will learn. Maybe not, but it's not your business either way.

And THIS is your main mistake - trying to be supportive. It's what allows him to keep weasling his way back in.

It's not up to you to be supportive.

Get angry - this man is such a victim, that he is purposefully refusing to do what is needed financially to ensure that your DC has the life they deserve.