Ex and guilt over their situation

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Please be kind. I have posted before and i just wanted specific advice on how to feel less guilty and responsible. Yes its victim mentality and i know this but im finding it cripling.
Ex, father of my son, due to their own stupidity is in a bad finacial mess and may be being made homless. He has assets he can sell but for whatever reason seem reluctant to do so (think memorabilia or antiques). I ended our relationship 18mths or so ago due to suspected infedelity and actual drug use.
Im doing okay, been hard, but do 100% of childcre bar 1 weekend night a week and fit eveyething round work. He pays maintenance at 75 a month and has 3 other children from his mareige who are late teens.
Iv just had a big promotion at work, more money and life is okay but very busy.
Im finding it hard when he says hes not eating to feed our child on days have him.... As no money. Cant afford to get to work etc, pay his debts etc.
Hes historically wants rescuing and i think he belives ill step in and save him and i wont.
Any tips on grey rocking this or managing it better?

‘If I were hungry I’d sell a piece of plastic, but I guess it’s your call. I’ve sent dc with lunch as they really won’t understand daddy thinks his figures are more important than food.’

Not your circus not your monkeys.

I think brilliant advice re short direct factual sentences.

E.g. "we have split up"

Practice saying them when you're alone.

You don't need to support him!

His parents have supported him and it's made zero difference.

He should be supporting his children, all of them!

Why aren't you angry at this waste of space who takes no responsibility for his actions?

What was your parents relationship like? Why do you think you have responsibility for anyone other than yourself and your son?

What was your parents relationship like? Why do you think you have responsibility for anyone other than yourself and your son?

I can't answer for OP but having read her threads, I hear a LOT of SIL in her comments and I can tell you that in the case of SIL, for reasons I don't understand, in her family it has ALWAYS been her job to smooth and facilitate things. There was this weird expectation that as the "daughter" it is HER responsibility to make sure that everyone (the men in particular) are okay. There are cultural elements at play too. But this feeds through into her exP and I'd argue it is one of the reasons he targeted her n the first place - he very very quickly realised that things other women would not let him get away with, she not only WOULD , but would accept responsibility for whatever it was.

Stay strong. I'd be far more sympathetic if he had nothing but to say he can't afford to eat whilst looking at toys he could sell would strengthen my resolve, not make me more sympathetic.

Well, he is prioritising drugs over food. Tough shit!

Look you have been told before on previous threads he cannot claim for children not living with him it will muddy the waters for benefits and he can make a claim for child maintenance as its the main carer who gets the child benefit it will take ages to untangle stop trying to help this smear on humanity prioritise your kids and ignore his bullshit

Also as their father he can put his address on Dr's and dentist even tell the school his address is the main address my ex did it changed the dentist to his address I changed it right back but I still missed letters important ones

Don't try and fix it for him, don't offer suggestions, a simple 'oh dear' or 'I'm sure you'll sort something out' then change the subject will do the trick

@Pleaseaddcaffine i hope you are well, this is an old thread but I'm going through something similar and also feel the need to rescue that piece of shit so even though we are divorced and I pay for all for kids, I still help him financially so he can do stuff with kids when they are with him. Even if he is still horrible to me, abusive and makes coparenting schedule hell. He keeps throwing the "I'm so sad, poor, lonely" cards with kids, so they feel sorry for him and constantly reminds me how this is my fault for making everyones lives harder.
I'm struggling to grey rock him as I too also felt the need to sort everything for everyone and have "mothered" him for 2 decades while we were together.
Just wondering if things got better at all 1 year down the line?
I'm trying to work on myself and my unconscious beliefs and try to change how I behave and not feel stressed and engage in pointless discussions but its so hard...

I’m so sorry @NewmemyselfandI. just wanted to hop on to say it’s such a tough time you’re in, and to stick with it. You know what to do, you just have to keep doing it. I would find a simple line to repeat to the kids that gives them some understanding of what he is doing to them and some power like, “Dad is saying that to make you feel upset and it’s okay to walk away when he does it.” Try to reframe it in a realistic way so that they don’t have to live with the confusion of thinking he’s doing it because he actually IS sad. He’s doing it to upset them because it hurts you, and you are broken up because it’s not right that dad hurts mum. Keep repeating it every single time and it will become their understanding of the situation.

These men like the parent child relationship they have with you. This is a really unhealthy dynamic.

You are not their support human.
I understand trying to mitigate certain situations because it impacts your DC but above and beyond that it's a firm no.