Intimidated by my date’s brilliance

[Lilibobo]

Yes, I know it’s my issue.

Recently started seeing a guy. He’s lovely and friendly and not a bad looker which is why I agreed to the date. Had NO idea how incredibly smart he was though. I knew he was a medical doctor. I know doctors are smart. I didn’t realise he had this incredible specialism, is one of the world’s experts in certain conditions. He teaches and practices. He’s not ‘just’ a doctor at all!

I work with academics so am no stranger to book smarts but this guy. He blows them all out of the water. I’m now overthinking everything I say in case he thinks I’m stupid! He’s competent in life skills as well as his work, I feel so mundane in comparison.

How do I get past this?!

Where did you find this man? Asking for a friend.

That's your ego talking.

You get past it by accepting that intelligence is only ONE facet amongst many human characteristics, & realising that you also have a lot to offer.

So what if he's smart? There are so many kinds of 'smart' anyway ...
Is he kind, funny, empathic, generous, open-minded, affectionate, interesting?

There's no reason at all for him to find you "stupid." He lives in the same world as you do, encountering the broad range of differences in human attributes just like you do.

One of my oldest pals is super-smart - like brain the size of a planet smart. I couldn't understand as much as the first sentence of her thesis (asked to read it for a laugh) but we connect through shared experiences, a sense of the ridiculous, similar interests & political outlook etc. She doesn't think I'm stupid - she just knows she's more (waaaaay more) academically gifted.

Well, he’s seeing you. So he must be happy, don’t overthink it or you’ll spoil it. A jobs a job!

The old fashioned way, at a bar!! Never done that before either but we were each celebrating a different friend’s birthday in the same pub, got chatting at the bar.

I work with a lot of clinicians, meeting someone who has done something exceptional isn't that uncommon.

Enjoy, you must have impressed him.

You need to be positive and honest with yourself as you get to know each other, do your talents complement each other, you have to be able to be “yourself”.

Ha, I guess you get inured to it! I’m still in the ‘dazzled’ phase!

Maybe there will be some uselessness that gets unveiled later on- I’ve had the same reaction when people talk about some of our ‘big name’ colleagues at the department. I think to myself ‘yet we had to put up a poster to remind them to flush the toilet or not use the visibly broken door’…

I think it might be the first flush of lust talking! If you are still with him in a year’s time you will look at this post and cringe. Unless you are as thick as a post! In which case you will still be in awe.

Yes, that’s a good point. It’s very very early days so too soon to know right now- I’ve just gone from the blasé confident self over text before our date, to now feeling completely struck by him! Over thinking like I used to when I was 14 talking to a crush!

My DH is bright. Maybe not quite at your fella's level but win prizes at a good University for top of his year bright. I used to assume he was going to be right all the time. Now I know that's nonsense. He knows a lot more than I do about his specialism, but a lot less than I do about my job. I'm often right when he's wrong about every day life.

The point being if he likes you, is respectful and doesn't undermine you, then it shouldn't be a problem.

I've been out with some very intelligent people and to be honest, I'm happier with someone whose intelligence level is broadly similar to my own; which is a bit (not much!) above average. I decided that I didn't want to go through life often feeling a bit baffled; or scurrying off to study so I could keep up. That's just me though!

Not to be suspicious but are you sure he's not just bullshitting you? Have you actually checked him out?

Oh don’t worry, you’ll discover he has a dipshit for a best mate, smelly feet, terrible taste in hip hop, appalling driving, and an infuriatingly OCD attitude to cupboards soon enough, you are just in the honeymoon phase. Teaching and practising isn’t unusual in medicine.

The only other thing is, if this runs the course (after you notice the smelly feet), do think about whether Mr Planet Brain will be a good life partner. I know a couple of people like this (one m one f) and they are great people, but a PITA as parents and partners because they are not really present mentally.

I think your name change failed BTW 😁

I've met some "really intelligent" people

However, they have sometimes lacked skills in other areas or simple tasks

However, it is OK, because nobody is perfect at everything !

A mega savant would be an example at the top end of the scale

That's why people are interesting, because we are all different !

Name change fail OP?

tbh if it’s early days you may find it doesn’t last. My extremely intelligent male friend often fell for women who aren’t on his intellectual level because they are lovely in other ways but he does them seem to miss the depth of conversation and admiration for them. He later married someone who was absolutely his intellectual match and they are very happy.

DP is brilliant and I am decidedly not! Your post made me smile because it reminds me of how I was similarly awestruck when we first met. We live in a place where, like you, we're surrounded by impressive people who are star academics & casually run marathons at the weekend. Consequently most of them, including DP, are humble and open-minded. I'm secure in the relationship because we have a cracking time together and just click. Your date is clearly drawn to you, enjoy it!

Ha- total name fail asked to withdraw it as don’t want location linked to main acct!!!

I suppose it’s that I’m used to feeling on a par with some of the ‘smart’ people I work with but am totally useless at many common sense things (like name changes apparently!!!) - this guy seems so together, not scatty in the way of many of the book smart people I work with (including me!) but very practical. I tend not to find the philosophising intellectual professor types very attractive.

I'm always minded in situations like this of my mum who remarried a very very clever guy (think top Astro physicist level of clever) after being married to my dad who had a very manual (but well paid) job. She told me after a couple of years that being with such a smart arse had its downsides as when he really got stuck into something intellectual that interested him she may as well have been on the moon for weeks at a time

It’s great you’ve met someone and feel excited OP. My DH is very clever and has a lot of interests and, unlike me, can actually remember things. He’s excellent as part of a quiz team. I’m clever enough and have my own specialism in work, but I don’t have the kind of mind to remember historical events or much by way of general knowledge like he can. However, I am always interested to hear about his interests when he wants to discuss them, though. My DH isn’t bothered that I can’t debate him about his myriad interests, as I have lots of creative interests he can’t do and similarly he enjoys learning about them from me. You don’t have to be on a par with someone in every area for them to think you’re splendid. Variety is the spice of life right?!

All that to say, try not to worry about sounding stupid and just be your brilliant self. Your brand of “stupid” (which isn’t actually stupid!!) may be just what he’s looking for! Besides, the last thing you want is to pretend to be someone you’re not and find yourself (or both of you) disappointed in due course.

I know somebody fearsomely intelligent, a list of qualifications as long as your arm, is renowned in his field, had academic papers published, and before he retired he used to lecture internationally.

He has no common sense whatever.

He probably can't boil a kettle of water without mishap.

I’m probably going to regret saying this: I have academic publications, 2 research degrees in a very academic subject, gave papers at Oxford etc, have a PhD (one of the research degrees), had at least ten awards during my university studies for being “top”.
im very very capable in real life.
But I earn nothing: I’m a carer for my severely disabled DD.
And honestly, I get much much more from her than any of the above.
My DH has similar/identical abilities- he left academia for a career as a counsellor and is so much happier and fulfilled.
We have fuck all money. Live in the most horrible bungalow while we wait for renovations to start (after 2 years), never go on holiday etc.
I suppose I’m saying this because if for any reason I were single and someone was awestruck by my historical achievements, I would genuinely be baffled and concerned.
I know how good I was. But that was a long time ago and if I could have seen into my future I might not be here at all !!!

Just roll with it. It’s ok to be impressed. But, even if he’s superb at everything obvious, who knows what lies ahead.

If he likes you, it’s not about intellect or capability in “real” life. It’s about the human spirit and a meeting of minds etc.

Hope he’s a good ahem chap in bed 😳

@MrsMoastyToasty and @barskits these are the kinds I’m used to at work. He gave me useful advice (and only after I asked if he knew anything about it) on fixing a tap. I’m thrown for a loop.