Intimidated by my date’s brilliance

[Lilibobo]

Yes, I know it’s my issue.

Recently started seeing a guy. He’s lovely and friendly and not a bad looker which is why I agreed to the date. Had NO idea how incredibly smart he was though. I knew he was a medical doctor. I know doctors are smart. I didn’t realise he had this incredible specialism, is one of the world’s experts in certain conditions. He teaches and practices. He’s not ‘just’ a doctor at all!

I work with academics so am no stranger to book smarts but this guy. He blows them all out of the water. I’m now overthinking everything I say in case he thinks I’m stupid! He’s competent in life skills as well as his work, I feel so mundane in comparison.

How do I get past this?!

@Facecream thats a very very good point. Life really can turn everything upside down and trust etc is more important than trappings. I am sorry it feels baffling though- this is all you, and it’s amazing you can turn your hand at all that and still come through as a carer and clearly great partner. Hats off to you several times over.

As to your last point… I’ll have to report back after a test drive

Great post.

I am married to a particularly clever man.

I am not academically clever, though I am intelligent enough, just not on paper.

My DH has never belittled me, treats me as his equal (intelligently) and loves me to bits.

We've been together for over 35 years, and expect to be together forever. That's what love is.

He's probably really pleased to have met someone that liked him before they knew about his job. No-one, even super intelligent people really like to be loved because of their job or intelligence (deep down anyway) he'll want to be loved for who he is. So forget the brain, is he kind, is he funny, what do you like about him? I know loads of very intelligent people but they're all just people, doctors included. Most doctors have a specialism and it's brilliant that he's got world leading knowledge but you can find that in most teaching hospitals. They're are so many medical areas and sometimes so few people presenting with an issue that there aren't enough doctors that get to have the same knowledge. Try to forget what you know about academia because I think that world is all about trying to intimidate others with your massive brain, but in the rest of the world there is more to life.

Super smart people still have their many many faults and their many many blind spots.
I work with a few of these types and none of them can find their keys in the morning.

OP, I'm highly intellectually intelligent. I haven't done much with it but there you go.

I've dated intelligent men who've been intimidated or in awe. My most successful relationship is my current one with a man who dropped out of his A Levels and works in a factory.

Why? Because he accepts me for who I am. He recognises it and he says he's learnt a lot from me but he isn't intimidated by me or in awe of me because of it.

I've dated previously who've accused me of making the feel bad about themselves and my own mother accused me of using my intelligence again people. I've been accused of not valuing other people's 'lesser' or less academic achievements - which is completely untrue! And it's been exhausting. Its refreshing and amazing to meet someone who doesn't judge me in those ways.

Everyone has skills that are not shared by others and I have valued many qualities about others that I do not possess. I don't rank them in importance against my own.

I value my friends and partners for their kindness, compassion, openness, honesty, integrity, willingness to consider new ideas and openness to new experiences, willingness to challenge and review their opinions and position on things.

Intelligence or brilliance of achievements is nothing special to the person themselves if they are a decent person. It's normal to them.

It’s great to have respect and awe for a partner and generally think they are amazing.

Make sure you have the same feelings for yourself, value who you are and what you ‘bring’, and ensure he feels the same way for you.

Hopefully you have checked out that he is not just bullshitting you.

Otherwise, I guess it's nice you've met someone who you can be starry eyed about.

Also...how did you find out about his super-duper world specialism? Did it just emerge during conversation in a nice, slightly bashful way? Did he hit you between the eyes with a 'look at me in my marvellousness' spiel? If it's the former then that's lovely. How long have you known him/how many dates have you been on?

Yes to this. Lots of medics /clinical academics are very clever and have very specialist skills, often teaching to others across the world.
Enjoy and remember he's just a person, not a god!

My DH is very clever and skilled in his field.
If I ever feel a bit inadequate I challenge him to a game of Trivia- where I destroy him!
There are different types of clever

My partner is highly academic. Won many awards, lots of published research in his field and very high up in his field at work.

I didn’t know any of this when I met him, just knew his field. He is a completely normal man! He does his own DIY, cooking and cleaning etc. he takes naps in his greenhouse, cuddles his kids etc.

I am nowhere near as clever or successful as he is but he thinks I am completely amazing!

Basically, you have met someone you like and are happy, which is lovely.
Just tread carefully until you are sure he is what he says he is. And don't lend him any money!

Just be wary, my niece is a surgeon, in her late thirties. Met a guy at work, so she knew he was, what he said he was. The amount of embellishment he added on was incredible. Can't really say more as outing.

They are no longer together.

My DH is professor level bright. Some incredibly niche knowledge.

Couldn't bake a decent chocolate cake to save his life.

I know which skill I'd rather have.

Please don’t be bowled over by educational or career achievement, these are just things. It’s great he’s done well and it’s likely he’s had a lot of support or privilege over the years to reach these standards. More important is humour, kindness, modesty, thoughtfulness

This is such a lazy stereotype, and is trotted out on Mn and received as devoutly as the ‘aristos have lovely manners and breeze about humbly in dog-hair-covered tweeds in their ancient Volvos’ one. I’m sure individuals do exist, but there absolutely no general correlation between high intelligence and lack of common sense. I’m clever — Oxford first, multiple postgraduate degrees, professorship, international reputation yadda yadda — and so are the vast majority of the people I know, professionally and socially. In general, that intelligence also holds good for the rest of their lives outside of their intellectual/professional field — they are not more disorganised, ditsy, unskilled, poor at DIY, unpunctual to ‘compensate’. That people believe this is just wishful thinking, like the idea that people who don’t like you ‘must be jealous’.

The idea

My DH is very clever, I’m ok but not intellectual in the same way. When we first dated I felt quite intimidated (I thought I’d have to clear my bookshelves of my Jackie Collins for instance). And this is despite the fact that my sister is similar to him so his type wasn’t unknown to me. We didn’t actually date for long then but got back together a couple of years later. For me, those years must have given me a lot more confidence in myself generally as I felt I could be myself with him then.

So I guess I think you need to relax and get to know him, if he continues to make you feel intimidated then it won’t be fun but given you liked each other when you first met in a bar, there’s a decent chance you’ll get past this stage!

How did his dazzling brilliance come across in conversation? Or was it an assumption based on what he was telling about his background?

If you read my best friends resume you can tell thay she is intelligent, top of her field. Won tons of awards,impressive titles etc. But in conversation she is just..normal. I know she is smart but we talk about everyday stuff and she's not more incredibly brilliant than I am when it comes to talking about the movie we saw. She is not also smarter than me when it comes to things outside her expertise. I also think about the time when I had to hold her hair back due to her drinking too much and then 2 week later her face was on a billboard cause she won an impressive award.