Would this annoy you? Intimacy

[Iwantthat]

My husband works away for long periods of time (ranges from weeks-months). This work trip he was away for 5 weeks.

We are both mid 30’s with a normal(ish) sex life, we have 3 kids so we do it when we can! I’m usually the one to instigate most of the sex and I probably speak about it more between the two of us. I’m not a sex pest in any way! I just enjoy it when we’re intimate after he’s been away a long time.

He has been home for 4 days and isn’t interested in me at all. He complains he is tired which I can understand as his work is demanding but the tiredness usually goes away after a couple of days. He’s feeling much better today and has told me he’s going to have a few drinks tonight. He can never just have a few drinks, he always gets drunk.

We never have sex when he’s drunk for various reasons, I really don’t like it.

I can’t help but feel like he’s drinking on purpose, to get out of being intimate with me. Should men not want to be intimate with their wife after being away for so long? Maybe I’m being unreasonable? I don’t know.

He asked me tonight if I was angry with him for drinking, I said no I’m just gutted (as I was hoping for intimacy) and he’s told me I’m making him feel awful for drinking. I asked if he can understand it from my point of view a little bit and he told me no, and that he’s too tired/wants a drink.

Feeling abit rubbish so interested to hear other views. I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about it.

It sounds like he has a drink problem if he can't stop once he's started.

He doesn't have to be drinking all the time or secretly to be a problem drinker.

And yes, I'd be upset if my partner chose booze over sex.

I don't drink so this is a tricky one for me but when I work and I'm tired it is difficult to get in the mood. I'm erring on the side of the fence that says he's just using drinking to relax/ unwind and the low sex drive is just compounded by it.

Could also be an ego/consideration thing... when I'm not in the mood, I don't want my wife near me as I don't want her feelings hurt if things don't spring to attention!

Lol, if this were a man we'd be hearing hundreds of women saying "leave her be, she's working hard, stop being such a sex pest".

Hi. Sorry if this sounds blunt, but if a man doesn't want to have sex with his partner when he is sober it's because he isn't attracted to you (at the moment). He wants to when he is drunk as we all do things we wouldn't do normally when drunk.

He's been away for 5 weeks, he's rested for 4 days - it's not like she's jumping on him as he walks in the door.

That is a long time to not want sex for a man in his mid 30s. Does he always go to the same place on his trips? I'd be pretty suspicious in your shoes.

There’s a reason he is avoiding intimacy. Other woman, STD? If there’s no history of ED, this is very unusual. How long is he home for?

He does have an issue with alcohol I will admit but this shouldn’t have anything to do with his sex drive towards me as he doesnt drink every night of the week, 2/3 times a week max.

He will be home for around 2.5/3 weeks so not long at all.

He works primarily with men but there is definitely females around.

I’ve decided I’m not going to mention it again and see how long he lasts without asking for it. If he goes away back to work without asking for sex then we have an issue

Sorry, but I would say he is either not interested in sex, or more specifically not really interested in sex with you

Sorry to say but I would be suspecting he’s getting it elsewhere or doesn’t want sex with you. He needs to be honest with you

I would be concerned too OP, but have you ruled out any mental health concerns? ie. Is he suffering from depression? what are his stress levels like?

Problem drinking isn't as neat as that - they don't have to be drinking every day or all the time for it to affect everything in their life.

No depression and nothing overly stressful happening in his life at the moment so can’t pin point it to that either.

Sorry that there is no explicit explanation for the way he's being with you. I think I would wait it out too, stop approaching him and mentioning sex. See if he comes to you before he goes away again

Is it just me, or does the concept of someone working away from home for months suggest not being to invested in a relationship?
How do these people marry?
Why do the women feel ok with it? Is it the money? I am going to presume this kind of dynamic involves money, because what self respecting woman would faff about living a practically single life without it?
Sadly, this is all too common. Safety relationships are often deviod of sexual openness and romance.

i feel I can add some insight to this question because I have to travel with my job.

of course it has everything to do with the money. With certain skills sets, engineering, non professional, the only way to make enough money to pay a mortgage, live in a decent area, take holidays etc is to travel with your work. Gone are the days when someone could work in day a car factory from 17 until 65 and earn a decent wage. There are very few companies operating in the U.K. doing anything so the alternative is to travel. Obviously when traveling you can live on expenses and often get perks like a company car and the wage is higher to attract people to a job where they are away working for long periods of time.

Of course if the op partner has a like of drinking then working away presents the ideal opportunity to drink. I used to work abroad more than I do now and we would drink every night. I still work abroad now but don’t drink so much, I don’t feel the need to but when I was OP age I did. I will say that in my case I never met anyone else while working away. That’s probably a big red herring. When you work away you are a strange foreign guy staying in a hotel, drinking at the bar alone or with colleagues. If you put yourselves in the position of any likely ladies in the bar would you have any interest in chatting to or dating this guy? It just doesn’t happen. Prostitutes maybe but I have never seen too many of those on my travels with the exception of some soliciting on the street in big cities.

i can’t explain the op husband’s problem because my wife has never had much interest in sex and when I worked abroad more often it was the best way to disguise this problem. It’s only when you are home more often you can see there is zero frequency and little interest in intimacy.

i just returned from a week working in Italy and I would love that my wife would want to jump my bones as soon as I got back but so far only short shrift at any advances on my part.

Absolutely not normal. When we were in our 30s and one of us was away for more than a week or so it would be straight to bed when the absentee got home, even if it wasn't bedtime. After five weeks without we'd both be gagging for it I think.

People get together for many reasons. It’s suits partners if one works away - maybe these are avoidant types but if the relationship works for both of them it’s fine. Maybe he’s no longer interested in sex, maybe he’s tired, maybe he’s getting it else where - it’s all down to if he is able to have a conversation about it and whether you are ok with the outcome.

I'd be really hurt by that. It's the thing that stops you from just being friends isn't it?

@strangeflowers I don't think someone working away necessarily means they're not committed to their relationship. Some people just fall in to the situation that those are the sort of jobs they have a background in etc. And also that it is good money for the family, which is fine. And when they come back the spark can be full on in their relationship again (sadly not as much for OP at the moment) and they get a chunk of time off to spend with their family/spouse.

I’d be hurt and would assume he was getting it elsewhere.

Day 5 and still nothing, I don’t believe anything suspicious is going on with anyone else.

I haven’t mentioned anything sexual towards him since I wrote this post. He mentioned at lunch today about having some “fun“ tonight. He fell asleep at 9.20 and is currently snoring next to me so he must have “forgotten” all about it.

I feel rubbish and without sounding too dramatic, unwanted 👎🏻

It's not dramatic. I completely understand how much it hurts. My other half went off sex during my pregnancy and I couldn't help but take it personally, even though he kept telling me it was because he didn't feel comfortable with the baby there etc.
I'd take it as a positive that he mentioned it on Monday, hopefully things progress soon for you.

My view would be to leave it for this visit and not discuss, however send him a letter whislt he is away , explaining what you’ve have said here. Ask him if you can talk about it when he gets home next time, after a few days of unwinding.

I’d maybe say that I was concerned there is possible other causes - stress or depression he’s not talking to you about, impotence, maybe cos he’s using a lot of porn while away and that’s desensitised him, other physical conditions ?

You then need to talk about it when he’s back and knows you’re going to have a big conversation about it. Calmly, no blame. Just try to get to bottom and accept that there mightn’t be anything more than he is just tired, getting a wee bit older and lazier with the “oh I can’t be bothered” mindset,
youbthen need to agree together what to do about it. Solve the problem toghther

if he doesn’t want to talk about it- then I’d be very suspicious there’s more than a porn addiction going on.

The drinking does seem to be to avoid sex. In that case there are a few explanations:

He's gay and may be paying away
He's playing away (and straight)
He's asexual
He's fallen out of love/lust
There's a medical reason
There's a psychological reason

If he was ever really into shagging you the first and third aren't likely. He has the motive, means and opportunity for the second. The rest you will need to tackle and get answers about.

I'd bet it's the first or second with the going away a lot.

Very similar behaviour was a flag that my husband was having an affair. He actively went out of his way to avoid intimacy with me and I was so confused and upset - it didn't make sense. It was a mixture of guilt and disinterest in me, and infatuation with and loyalty (ha!) to the OW.

I think you're right about the drinking too, he committed to having his few drinks knowing that it would reset your expectations and knock any chance of sex off the agenda. I'd be gutted to be deprioritised for alcohol after such a significant amount of time apart. Listen to your gut, it's screaming out that something is wrong.