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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Situationship stress

66 replies

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 14:44

I’ve been dating a guy for over two months now and he seemed really into me and really keen up until last weekend. I’ve been stressed out with the situation as I’ve spent all my free time with him and got quite attached (even though there are lots of red flags).

So last weekend I sent him a message saying what do you think about us, he said he liked the way things were going and said why do you ask. So I said we’ve spent a lot of time together and just wanted to see if we were on same page. He ignored that message and then rang me day after asking if everything was ok because he hadn’t heard from me.

Had phone call with him Tuesday he was very off with me and said he was busy every night as he was going out with random people he said he would try and re-arrange his Friday dinner. So Friday come he asked me my plans so I said I was being taken out for dinner (I wasent but I didn’t want to make myself look like I’m available to him) . He text me the next morning asking how my night was. I’ve tried to stop communicating with him but he is always messaging

. Last night I messaged him back and he left it unread as he was out. Today he has sent messages saying he’s off out tonight to do it all again. I’ve not answered so he’s been ringing. He was meant to be helping me with a job in my house so he text today and Said when can I come over and sort it for you. I done him a favour other day so he said he owes me dinner out I said dont worry about it.

Thing is why does he still keep messaging me , ringing me for a chat and liking all my social media posts but telling me he’s off out with random people for dinner and when I asked if he was available last time saying he’s not available until mid next week.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/11/2022 06:21

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 15:26

@Imnothereforthegiggles I won’t drip feed the red flags. He got married this year for 4 weeks and then marriage ended. He drinks excessively when we’re together and can never remember what he did and said the night before. He normally just blacks out. We went to a party at the weekend where he hit on near enough every woman while I was standing next to him.

Jesus. Tell him you're done, block and move on.

GreenManalishi · 14/11/2022 06:21

If what you're looking for is a good looking yet disrespectful p*sshead who will sap allyour time and energy so you don't have to deal with the reasons you keep choosing dysfunction then you've hit the jackpot.

He is a distraction. Choose yourself instead.

Priminister · 14/11/2022 06:27

How many more threads are you going to post about this guy?

amiold · 14/11/2022 06:28

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 21:05

Yeah I am just treating him like he treats me, I’ve stopped answering most of his calls, I never get in contact, if he gets in contact I will reply hours later. So just trying to play him at his own game, I don’t know what I’m going to achieve by doing this.

i don’t think it’s sex on tap as few posters have said, as that never really happens or rarely! I stay over at his every time I see him but he’s always had too much to drink, And he’s got an erectile dysfunction 🤦🏼‍♀️ so again we never really do it. So he’s defintley not using me for sex.

Oh fuck that. He's playing games and he isn't even bringing the D. Have you even slept with him or does he just think you're his friend?

newbookonshelf · 14/11/2022 06:36

He keeps messaging you so he can keep the assets of the set up (sex, attention, having you there as a backup) without having to invest in the relationship.

It's not a mixed message, that's clear as day.

He doesn't want a relationship with you but he likes you enough to want your attention and sex. When someone he actually respects comes along he will be gone.

You need to politely cut it off on this basis. If he comes crawling back then great, you can now call the shots. If he doesn't then it's because of see first paragraph.

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/11/2022 06:40

I think you're both being defensive.

Sellorkeep · 14/11/2022 06:49

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 15:26

@Imnothereforthegiggles I won’t drip feed the red flags. He got married this year for 4 weeks and then marriage ended. He drinks excessively when we’re together and can never remember what he did and said the night before. He normally just blacks out. We went to a party at the weekend where he hit on near enough every woman while I was standing next to him.

My goodness. Why are you giving this guy any headspace at all?

GreenManalishi · 14/11/2022 07:12

I think that every one of the copious answers on your numerous posts have been fairly unanimous in that he is a bad move and will make your life worse, and that you need help.

See the gp and get on the list for counselling and use the resources have been suggested previously in the meantime.

gottachangeforthisone · 14/11/2022 07:13

You need to grow up. First off why are you pretending to be going out for dinner with someone when he asks - if you want to see him ? That's incredibly childish game playing.

But more importantly above ALL that. WHY are your standards so low. ? A man who drinks so much every time you are together - he blacks out ???

Just no. You need to work on your self esteem if this is what you think you deserve. ?

supercali77 · 14/11/2022 08:40

Having checked some of your previous posts - you really really need to detach from this man completely and get some counselling.

You were with a narcissist for 10 years and the first person you've met since then that you're interested in is already....

full of red flags
generating anxiety and confusion
Causing sleep loss

At a certain point when we've been in abusive relationships we have to really start questioning what it is about us that causes us to overlook and ignore our OWN feelings and instincts and proceed with people that are clearly unsettling us.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 14/11/2022 10:03

These posts really are helping, I realise that I need to work on my self esteem and work on what that void is that I'm trying to fill.

OP posts:
ShellsOnTheBeach · 14/11/2022 15:00

@summersunshine46 - start by reading Women Who Love Too Much...

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 14/11/2022 21:21

@ShellsOnTheBeach I will have a read as a few posters have recommended the book.

OP posts:
Quiegal · 14/11/2022 21:57

@summersunshine46

Leave this man alone he not good for you.

It's sounds too draining.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/11/2022 22:05

OP, give it a rest.

I don't understand the point of posting. You don't listen to anything anyone says and then you just start a new thread the next week.

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