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Original poster

Situationship stress

66 replies

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 14:44

I’ve been dating a guy for over two months now and he seemed really into me and really keen up until last weekend. I’ve been stressed out with the situation as I’ve spent all my free time with him and got quite attached (even though there are lots of red flags).

So last weekend I sent him a message saying what do you think about us, he said he liked the way things were going and said why do you ask. So I said we’ve spent a lot of time together and just wanted to see if we were on same page. He ignored that message and then rang me day after asking if everything was ok because he hadn’t heard from me.

Had phone call with him Tuesday he was very off with me and said he was busy every night as he was going out with random people he said he would try and re-arrange his Friday dinner. So Friday come he asked me my plans so I said I was being taken out for dinner (I wasent but I didn’t want to make myself look like I’m available to him) . He text me the next morning asking how my night was. I’ve tried to stop communicating with him but he is always messaging

. Last night I messaged him back and he left it unread as he was out. Today he has sent messages saying he’s off out tonight to do it all again. I’ve not answered so he’s been ringing. He was meant to be helping me with a job in my house so he text today and Said when can I come over and sort it for you. I done him a favour other day so he said he owes me dinner out I said dont worry about it.

Thing is why does he still keep messaging me , ringing me for a chat and liking all my social media posts but telling me he’s off out with random people for dinner and when I asked if he was available last time saying he’s not available until mid next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 19:05

@amiold when he was on the phone he said he was busy all week with random people, I didn’t ask who he just said ‘random people’. I just said a friend was picking me up for dinner.

I’ve just seen a huge shift in his behaviour from accidently telling me he loves me, telling me how much he likes me everytime I’m with him, texting all through the day to gradually pulling away.

I just don’t understand why he leaves me on unread whilst out and then wants to keep calling and texting.

I do like the guy I’m probably being really shallow but he is soo good looking and I think that’s what keeps drawing me back in.

OP posts:
amiold · 13/11/2022 19:07

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 19:05

@amiold when he was on the phone he said he was busy all week with random people, I didn’t ask who he just said ‘random people’. I just said a friend was picking me up for dinner.

I’ve just seen a huge shift in his behaviour from accidently telling me he loves me, telling me how much he likes me everytime I’m with him, texting all through the day to gradually pulling away.

I just don’t understand why he leaves me on unread whilst out and then wants to keep calling and texting.

I do like the guy I’m probably being really shallow but he is soo good looking and I think that’s what keeps drawing me back in.

He's playing you.

Treat him like he treats you. I used to mirror behaviour of men when I was dating. As in if text if they text. If they took 5 hours to reply I'd do that. If he ignored me on a Saturday night I'd do that. Obvs don't do this if they're normal, just text as and when you want to

It will whittle the players out

RandomNortherner · 13/11/2022 19:10

He has the emotional maturity of a peanut. Time to move on.

emptythelitterbox · 13/11/2022 19:35

It's really no mystery.
He likes having sex on tap.
He says nice things to keep you sweet.
If you want to be used by a drunken womanizer, keep seeing him.
If you want someone decent, block him.

mashh · 13/11/2022 20:00

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 19:05

@amiold when he was on the phone he said he was busy all week with random people, I didn’t ask who he just said ‘random people’. I just said a friend was picking me up for dinner.

I’ve just seen a huge shift in his behaviour from accidently telling me he loves me, telling me how much he likes me everytime I’m with him, texting all through the day to gradually pulling away.

I just don’t understand why he leaves me on unread whilst out and then wants to keep calling and texting.

I do like the guy I’m probably being really shallow but he is soo good looking and I think that’s what keeps drawing me back in.

It's really not that hard to understand that he wants to keep his options open...he's saying to you what he thinks you want to hear. But he isn't acting like you're exclusive or and he's not treating you like you're this incredible partner that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Cause the truth is, you aren't. He's still waiting for the one.

You've said he's recently been divorced, so chances are you're just a rebound or friends with benefits

minticecreamisjustok · 13/11/2022 20:13

It sounds like he's dating other women but doesn't want to say so it's 'random people' or just a friend. I've never known men to meet male mates for dinner that often unless it's a curry after the pub.
If a guy is truly loved up with you, you will be his priority over friends in the early days, he will find a way to communicate and see you and his friends so that he doesn't lose you.

He wants to keep you as an option so that's why he's available/unavailable confusion. He's not worth the stress just because he's good looking. Aim better than being treated as an option by a player!

clpsmum · 13/11/2022 20:15

toastedcat · 13/11/2022 15:00

I mean -- I don't know if I hugely see what he's done wrong? He's ringing you, he wants to see you, but he's got plans with friends too?

This^. I think any read flags are of your making tbh

BestSelfBlah · 13/11/2022 20:28

He's probably married Op.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 13/11/2022 20:40

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 15:26

@Imnothereforthegiggles I won’t drip feed the red flags. He got married this year for 4 weeks and then marriage ended. He drinks excessively when we’re together and can never remember what he did and said the night before. He normally just blacks out. We went to a party at the weekend where he hit on near enough every woman while I was standing next to him.

End it then! For Christ's sake.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 21:05

Yeah I am just treating him like he treats me, I’ve stopped answering most of his calls, I never get in contact, if he gets in contact I will reply hours later. So just trying to play him at his own game, I don’t know what I’m going to achieve by doing this.

i don’t think it’s sex on tap as few posters have said, as that never really happens or rarely! I stay over at his every time I see him but he’s always had too much to drink, And he’s got an erectile dysfunction 🤦🏼‍♀️ so again we never really do it. So he’s defintley not using me for sex.

OP posts:
spacewomanonearth · 13/11/2022 21:09

What does it matter how good looking he is when he's not even up for a shag?

He sounds like an absolute car crash and you sound like a stupid teenager. That's fine if you are a teenager (we've all been stupid teenagers), but not a great look if you aren't.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/11/2022 21:58

Yeah I am just treating him like he treats me, I’ve stopped answering most of his calls, I never get in contact, if he gets in contact I will reply hours later. So just trying to play him at his own game, I don’t know what I’m going to achieve by doing this.
Yeah, you think this makes you sound empowered.
But here you are, lost & confused, dedicating your life to mindames with an alcoholic.

i don’t think it’s sex on tap as few posters have said, as that never really happens or rarely! I stay over at his every time I see him but he’s always had too much to drink, And he’s got an erectile dysfunction 🤦🏼‍♀️ so again we never really do it. So he’s defintley not using me for sex.
No. But he's just using you as a prop. Just blowing hot & cold.Just drinking so much he can never get a hard-on.

Why are you wasting your life agonising over this alkie?
What's stopping you from ditching him? You've only known him TWO MONTHS!

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 22:33

@KettrickenSmiled yeah I suppose everything you’ve said is true. I know it’s sucj a short space of time! I think when he come along I was really struggling with my ex (who was abusive) trying to come back into my life so I started counselling and then he was a big distraction and helped me move forward. But now I’m learning it’s not very healthy at all

OP posts:
supercali77 · 13/11/2022 22:56

Red flags aside
The thing about game players is they need someone to play with. The people who tolerate them are often those who lack confidence in their own values and needs. When you asked him if he was on the same page and he ignored you, and then asked what was wrong with you, that was the time to be direct about what the matter was. Dont entertain these people or you end up asking yourself questions and playing games in response. It is a total waste of your time and energy.

supercali77 · 13/11/2022 22:59

Also, who cares why he keeps ringing you? Block him and you never have to think twice about it

Hungoverandashamed · 14/11/2022 00:51

Oh come on OP he's a total loser. Block him.

scoobydoo1971 · 14/11/2022 01:50

Erectile dysfunction because he has alcoholism? Why waste your time on a waste of space like him. They invented block buttons on phones and social media with good reason. All that game playing and spending hours ignoring him, before replying. Incredible waste of your time. He is walking herpes if he is dating other woman and blind drunk. Contraception won't be his strong suit if he can ever get it up. So you got yourself an alcohol dependent, sexually incontinent loser who had the fastest divorce in the west...stay single and work on your self esteem. I mean this kindly, you present as someone waiting for the phone to ring or texts to ping to fill a void in your life. If you want a happy balanced life filled with normal attractive people then you have to go find it. It doesn't drop down the chimney like santa. Develop hobbies, sports interests, arts anything that gets you out and about. Staying home focused on the social life of some loser is not good for your mental health, block him.

WishIhadacrystalball · 14/11/2022 02:20

You have been questioning this relationship since the first few dates which says it all really. Right before that you were discussing getting back with your ex. I think you really need to decide what you want, is this worth the hassle? I mean who can honestly be bothered with all these games. If you want to txt your date/partner you should be able to, you shouldn’t feel the need to make him wait. Have a think, tell him what you want and if he does too then great, if not move on or you will still be here 6 months down the line.

OldFan · 14/11/2022 04:08

Bin, I can say that based on the title and years of bitter life experience.

I won’t drip feed the red flags. He got married this year for 4 weeks and then marriage ended. He drinks excessively when we’re together and can never remember what he did and said the night before. He normally just blacks out. We went to a party at the weekend where he hit on near enough every woman while I was standing next to him.

No, no, no.

OldFan · 14/11/2022 04:11

I stay over at his every time I see him but he’s always had too much to drink, And he’s got an erectile dysfunction 🤦🏼‍♀️ so again we never really do it. So he’s defintley not using me for sex.

He's still getting an ego boost out of having you come home with him. He also seems to have major problems with alcohol.

Blablablaaaaa · 14/11/2022 04:35

yuck, why have a relationship with someone who has so many issues. You deserve better

daisychain01 · 14/11/2022 05:03

summersunshine46 · 13/11/2022 15:01

I’ve pulled away loads and I’m acting now I have no interest in him but he’s still continuing to chase. Even more so now. I don’t understand

Stop "acting like you're not interested" in him, all that does is feed the fire of the back and forth.

he's a time waster but you're allowing him to get to you. Be realistic, it isn't going anywhere so gather your strength and blank him from today onwards, this moment onwards. Block him if necessary to stop yourself from expecting messages from him.

daisychain01 · 14/11/2022 05:06

Work on your self-esteem, OP and you'll soon be getting shot of people like this lowlife a lot lot earlier.

pintofginplz · 14/11/2022 05:19

Every time you answer a question on here op, the worse he's coming across.
The man is clearly playing games, you are now doing the same tbh. Why are you wasting your energy on a man child.
This should be the honeymoon period so to speak, instead you have a man who drinks to excess and can't even have sex with you. Na screw that, dump the loser.

BraveGoldie · 14/11/2022 06:16

He's clearly a loser.
But you need to grow up.

You seem bothered by the stuff that is harmless (not reading a text for a few hours while out) and not bothered by the stuff that makes him terrible to be in a relationship with (excessive drinking).

And on top of that, you're playing pointless games, lying, and getting annoyed that he's not reading your mind.

End it. Clearly, respectfully. And move on to find someone who is a healthily functioning adult who treats you well, and try to treat them well back.