Is it me?

[Dreamgenie]

I’ve been with DP for 9 years. It’s not all rosy, and for me things need to change.
I’m considering asking for some space to consider the relationship.

We don’t live together so that is not an issue re the space.

The relationship is pretty much sexless, ok his part. We have talked and talked about this, he has put more effort in but has no wish to maintain this effort.

For me, it’s not so much about the sex, it’s about his lack of consideration for my feelings.

On a positive, the rest of the relationship is good. We are affectionate, cuddles, hand holding, kisses, so we do have intimacy. Same sense of humour, interests, he is faithful, good company. I feel like he is my person.

But, the sex issue will never change, I’m pretty sure of that. And over time I feel it will erode my self esteem, and also cause him some anxiety as he must be aware of the issue.

So, although one view is that we just aren’t compatible, am I being selfish? Do I try and let the sex thing go in favour of a life with a basically decent chap?

*on his part

Yes, it is you. It's your feelings, your thoughts, your life, your responsibility.

So, do you think you should ignore those things, just because 'It's you'?

Psychologically healthy people look after their own needs. It's only called 'selfish' when they routinely dismiss the needs of others. You're not selfish if you have to put yourself first sometimes, and you're not selfish if your needs conflict with someone else's: that's just incompatibility.

The sex thing will most probably get worse as he ages, and what happens if you want kids.
Resentment will kick in at some point.
You aren’t compatible, time to move on and find what you do want.

@Watchkeys thank you. I’m not good at putting myself first. I overthink, thing about different scenarios in my head.
I have instigated a break up previously from an 18 year relationship. That was different though, I knew it was over for a long time.

@KangarooKenny we are both in our 50’s so don’t need to consider the children issue!
But my age does make me think about things differently, should I remain with what potentially is a life long partner, or think that life is short and there are other men out there.

Although it’s not all about having a chap in my life obviously.

I don't think you are selfish for wanting to have a sex life with your partner.

There is nothing written anywhere saying that you have to settle for the basic requirement of a decent chap and regard anything more as unrealistic. There are plenty of decent chaps out there and some of them will be a pleasure to have as a partner.

Ah, ok. I’ve no interest in sex since peri hit, so I’d be very content with someone who gave me love and affection.

My DH had issues in the ‘bedroom’ department, and he refused to seek help. That’s one of the reasons that resentment set in for me.

@GreenManalishi thank you.

@KangarooKenny that is one of the issues, that he won’t seek help. We have spoken about this, that something as simple as a GP appointment for some bloods would make a difference. He refuses.

He is clearly showing me what he values isn’t he?

@Dreamgenie
I think - I’d be pragmatic. This is a platonic partnership, and it has a lot to give you - by the sound of it. So - why would you give it up? It’s nice to have a friend.

But it’s not a marriage, and not a full partnership either - so why can’t you have more people you connect to on different levels?
I’d get a FWB as well. If I were still interested in having a sexual relationship.

Life is short. Too short to give up on it too early.

@MMmomDD yes my hope would be that we would remain friends.
To be honest, I have no interest in finding a person who I would live with, I’ve come to the realisation that I like my life as it is.

So maybe if the ties of being in a relationship are cut, then yes I could have a FWB.

But on a friendship level, we do get on, he listens to the crap I go on about 😂
I will need time to adjust to navigating a friendship, but I guess we both will.

Good point

@Dreamgenie

I don’t think I expressed myself well.
What I meant is - why change anything and make a drama out of it? Why make him feel bad about not being able to satisfy you?
You don’t live together. You have some sort of a pattern when you are together and when not. You don’t want a full on relationship where you live together.
Surely he doesn’t think it’s a proper relationship as there is no sex.

There is nothing stopping you from doing whatever you want when you are on your own. Occasional FWB encounter can work well with your setup.

This is what I meant by being pragmatic. My guess is he’d rather continue the relationship as it is, without facing the sex issue. Don’t ask / don’t tell can work well in this situation. This avoids hurting him by not emphasising his impotence and giving you what you want.
Your desire to have sex may wane in in a few years anyway. You just need to live through the next …. years.

@MMmomDD ah I understand. For me, that would be cheating though.

Impotence isn’t the issue, he just doesn’t want sex. I don’t honestly know if I can remain in the relationship and be ok with that.

@Dreamgenie
I think this is because in your head you are in a ‘relationship’ with him.
But you aren’t really.
This is companionship and friendship. It’s not a sexual partnership.

You can’t cheat on someone you aren’t sexually entangled with.
And he clearly doesn’t think of your relationship as being sexual anyway. Or he’d be making an effort.

You can of course ask him if he minds if you have sex with other people. But in reality - most men in his situation would prefer to not talk about and not know about it either.

Do I try and let the sex thing go in favour of a life with a basically decent chap

A yes or no question for you, then: do you think you could meet a basically decent chap who also offered you sex? If so, why would you stay in this relationship? If not, why not?

You have an interesting viewpoint @MMmomDD.

No, it is not a sexual partnership, but in every other way it is.

We spend time at each others houses, our lives are together.

The issue remains though, how can I feel ok about his lack of wanting to make the effort with the issue that is causing me this upset?
Nothing with change, and I don’t want to feel resentment toward him.

@Dreamgenie

You make peace with this by realising that his libido/lack of it has very little to do with you. He probably has low testosterone, or some other health issues. It’s not about your attractiveness.

As I get older - I become more pragmatic, or maybe more cynical. We all have different needs - emotional, intellectual, physical, friendship, excitement, companionship, curiosity, fun, travel, etc

Can one person meet all of them? Of course not. This is why we have partners, but also network of other people - friends, colleagues, even strangers we come across - who fulfil our various needs.

Of course - traditional view is sex has to be with one person, who also is providing us with everything else. But - as you get past childbearing/rearing age - you realise that this is meant for ensuring kids are born into a couple and supported by the male, who would stick around.

In a more mature age - I really don’t see the same imperative to stick to the same relationship model - IF the partner you are with provides you with a lot of companionship, care, friendship that you need.

If he doesn’t want sex - he doesn’t need to force himself.
Sort of like if he hated opera, but you loved it, You’d be surely still going to see it with other friends who like opera.

But if you want to ask him - why not bring up an open relationship? He may be hurt, but it’s better than just leaving, which would hurt him more.
(most people aren’t able to deal with it though. Younger people are going up more open minded these days, so I think they’ll have less of a guilt/issues associated with sex)

Maybe I could find a decent chap who offers sex as well.
The issue is that I live my chap, and maybe I should me more pragmatic about my feelings for him.

*love my chap

how can I feel ok about his lack of wanting to make the effort with the issue that is causing me this upset

You need to realise that you can't change your own feelings. None of us can. Otherwise we'd all be learning how to love the gym and hate pizza, and how to really enjoy the cold and rain and dark in winter.

Respecting your feelings is Adulthood 101. You can't be fulfilled and happy unless you recognise that you change your life to meet your feelings, rather than changing your feelings to meet your life. You can't 'try to be happy' with a partner who doesn't behave the way you wish they would. You can't 'try to enjoy' brussels sprouts. You can't 'try to love' cricket. We all like what we like, and that's a representation of who we are. If you continue to put yourself in a situation where your needs aren't met or respected, you will feel unfulfilled and resentful, however much you 'try' to feel otherwise.

Your feelings are yours to take care of, not his or anybody else's.

@MMmomDD yes you are right. I have different interests that I pursue with different friends. We aren’t joined at the hip which has to be a good thing.

@Watchkeys Your feelings are yours to take care of, not his or anybody else's.

I agree, I’m not expecting him to do that. I know that he won’t.

Your chap doesn't give you what you want, regardless of how much you love him. He's not interested in trying to find ways that he could give you what you want.

I'd say this was disrespectful. Having your needs dismissed is hurtful. How come he's ok with doing this to you? Have you told him how important it is to you? Perhaps he doesn't realise?

@Watchkeys

Of course you can change your feelings and perceptions. There is a whole industry of professionals plus medication that focuses on it.

How we feel is often routed in our backgrounds and experiences. We perceive love a certain way, we behave and react a certain way. A depressed person, for example, perceives the world as a dark and hopeless place. Surely you wouldn’t tell them to just accept and go with their feelings?

In OP’s situation - her bf’s libido is what it is. Most likely he is not happy about it either - no man enjoys getting older and losing his mojo. No man likes to face it. Admitting it is like admitting his own mortality.
Understanding that it isn’t about OP’s worth or attractiveness is important. As it is the main reason she feels bad about it.
That and the general frustration due to lack of sex.

@Watchkeys he realises very well. We have spoken many times, over a few years. We haven’t had sex for a few months. I’m fed up if instigating. Feel like I’m being awful to him by asking for sex.
That said, when I instigate he always responds, doesn’t say no. But it’s not an equality in the relationship.

That is why I asked if I am being selfish.

It is difficult to change your feelings about a situation though. I don’t feel this is as black and white as do I like pizza?