Is it me?

[Dreamgenie]

I’ve been with DP for 9 years. It’s not all rosy, and for me things need to change.
I’m considering asking for some space to consider the relationship.

We don’t live together so that is not an issue re the space.

The relationship is pretty much sexless, ok his part. We have talked and talked about this, he has put more effort in but has no wish to maintain this effort.

For me, it’s not so much about the sex, it’s about his lack of consideration for my feelings.

On a positive, the rest of the relationship is good. We are affectionate, cuddles, hand holding, kisses, so we do have intimacy. Same sense of humour, interests, he is faithful, good company. I feel like he is my person.

But, the sex issue will never change, I’m pretty sure of that. And over time I feel it will erode my self esteem, and also cause him some anxiety as he must be aware of the issue.

So, although one view is that we just aren’t compatible, am I being selfish? Do I try and let the sex thing go in favour of a life with a basically decent chap?

@Dreamgenie

This is indeed difficult. When women in your bf’s position come here and say - ‘I have low libido; my partner needs it and I feel I have to force myself every now and then to keep them from leaving’ -
the unanimous advice is - you shouldn’t force yourself to have sex if you don’t feel like it.
It does seem to be different when women talk about their men’s low libido. It’s always - why doesn’t he think of your needs and sorts his libido medically.

There is no answer really. I’d say - you love him, so just enjoy the relationship as it is. If you think he is a good partner to get old with. Focus on that and on the good bits.

Sex is a small part of life, really. If everything else works - keep it as it is. Meeting someone you click on most life dimensions is rare, and I’d cherish that.
I don’t think it’s worth breaking up over his low libido, unless yours is raging. But at mid 50s I would think about longer term and how long that lasts.

Meeting someone who you’ll like to have occasional sex with - is easy.

It is not that different to liking pizza. You don’t have to like it together.
Occasionally you can binge on it without him.

This is indeed difficult. When women in your bf’s position come here and say - ‘I have low libido; my partner needs it and I feel I have to force myself every now and then to keep them from leaving’ -
**
the unanimous advice is - you shouldn’t force yourself to have sex if you don’t feel like it.
It does seem to be different when women talk about their men’s low libido. It’s always - why doesn’t he think of your needs and sorts his libido medically.

yes there does seem to be an element like this on this forum, if the male partner has the lower libido there is clearly something wrong with him and needs to be packed off the the GP pronto to be “fixed” so he up for it 24*7.

yes there does seem to be an element like this on this forum, if the male partner has the lower libido there is clearly something wrong with him and needs to be packed off the the GP pronto to be “fixed” so he up for it 247.*

I don’t expect him to be up for it 24/7, in fact I’d really rather he wasn’t!

And this comes back to my question, am I expecting too much? If there was an issue that affected my partner, I would at least explore ways to demonstrate that I want to find a solution. To show that I consider their viewpoint, and value the relationship enough to do that.

You can't be expecting 'too much' unless there's a 'correct' level to expect, and there isn't. There's no external viewpoint here, no external judge. You have to decide, not 'Is he offering a fair thing' but 'Is he offering to do what I need'. It's about you. YOu and what you want.

Read about self validation. Nobody can tell you if what you expect is 'right', because there's no right.

Surely only you can decide what to expect ?

if he has ED ( for example), the meds are cheap and freely available, so would it be unreasonable for him to try some?
if he needed to see a GP, would that be unreasonable?
if he had a more serious issue and needed on operation, would that be unreasonable? , only you can decide

my comment above was not really directed at you, but it certainly does seem to be general reoccurring theme that appears on this forum ( rightly or wrongly).

Thank you @Watchkeys, I will read about self validation.

@Kenny69, I understand. For me it’s not about what level is needed, it’s about just taking the first step, even if that is being completely honest when we talk.

@Dreamgenie

Sex and low libido is not the same as other issues affecting a relationship.
it is very hard to comment on this without knowing anything about him and his history. We can only guess here.

Thing is - you keep only seeing it all from your perspective, forgetting that he has his own. And there are many reasons why he may not want to talk about his libido and be ‘fixed’. It is likely that he already knows they it’s not possible, and he feels bad about as it is.
You keep making it about the relationship and his feelings for you. But it isn’t really. It is likely about him, and it’s personal.

… It is possible he has always had a low libido. And either was made to feel inadequate as a younger man; or had less sexual relationships. The kind he is been having with you.

… it is possible that he is getting older and this is a normal progression - and not something he feels good about.

There was a time in my life when I lost my libido, My partner at the time was like you - with his dry logical - ‘if there is something wrong let’s find out and fix it’. But I felt normal, at that time that as my normal and I didn’t need a diagnosis. I was younger then, so it was a bit different I suppose.

If you are unhappy in this relationship - by all means leave. But - you can’t force him into being ‘fixed’ if he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. Both of you have a right to be how you are.

@MMmomDD. Yes I agree, I do see things from my view point. He has had low libido since being in his early 40’s so this is not a new thing for him.
He accepts it, states it is who he is.

A lot of the time I don’t think about it. But sometimes the voice is loud, such as now.

I don’t mean to sound one sided about the issue. Maybe I should have some counselling independent of him to properly talk it through.

If you don't have a sex life with him then what makes him different to a good friend?

@ClaryFairchild we have intimacy in other ways, lots of affection, cuddles in bed and out. We love each other, have built a life together.

While I tend to broadly agree with the posters above above not sending men the GP just because they don’t want sex all the time, it might be worth looking at one of the online general health tests for men, it might show up something ( I had one, showed elevated cholesterol levels).

Also, without trying to sound rude, in a lot a relationships the male is quite often the partner initiating sex, so you are taking over that role really - what is the issue with not asking for more sex if he responds okay? , that’s kinda what a lot of men do really

@NoDatingForOldMen thanks, I didn’t know about the online health checks. It can’t hurt to have a check anyway.

Yes maybe I could start instigating again. I need to be able to shake this feeling of it being a reflection on how he feels about me and the relationship.

Try something like one of the Wellness tests, there are a bit pricey (£160),
if anything comes up, then it’s off to the GP for any treatments etc.

medichecks.com/products/well-man-advanced-blood-test

Thanks, I’ll have a chat with him about this, just as a reference for his health markers anyway.

Have you asked him if he would mind you going elsewhere for the sex element?

If he knows that you have a FWB then would that ease your conscience?

Because that seems to be the answer to your problem.

No I haven’t. Because I feel that would be cheating and I don’t think my conscience will let me do that.

And it may alter the way I feel about the situation

The different view points on this thread have really made me think about the way I think about the situation.

I know that he uses porn, so he does have some urge. I know that using porn is very different to having sex with a partner though.

• may not alter the way I feel about the situation.

Thought I’d update, we have talked and both agree that it’s time to end the relationship. It feels the right thing to do.

He did say that he felt we have had more of a close friendship over the last couple of years rather than a relationship. So we will remain friends, whatever that will look like.

Thanks for all of the advice.