Taking him back after one night stand

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My dh had a one night stand last May. I asked him to leave and during that time he has been in a flat and he has seen the kids eow and one evening in the week. He is still very involved with them as they have clubs he helps with. We still talk throughout this period and to be honest I don’t really think about him sleeping with her anymore. Instead I feel more and more sad that we are no longer together, that our family is separated.

He says he is sorry which he has said all along although there was no grand gesture at the time. He has said all along he wants is to be together. I have been ok on my own with the kids but it is lonely at times.

I went out last week and got drunk and said I miss him and we spoke about getting back together . He wants to move back in soon. I do want that but I worry about what the kids will say (I think they will be happy) and my family and friends who have helped me through the last 18 months. What do I say to them?

He has been coming round a bit more to help with the kids clubs and he keeps trying to sneaky kiss me but I’m not ready for that until the kids know. We have planned a ‘date’ this week.

Does anyone have any stories of reconciliation 18 months after? I suppose my biggest fear is he moves back in and it all goes wrong and then it’s even worse for the kids. Even though I have been ok for 18 months I don’t want to live like this with a split family when we both haven’t met anyone else and clearly still love each other.

I'm sure your family and friends would be delighted if you two got back together. They wouldn't have to worry so much about you, and maybe their support actually helped?
Surely a one night stand is completely unimportant? It's just sex, compared with a family, shared kids and a home and life together?

You'll be flamed on here to even consider taking him back.
But do what's right for you and your family.
Plus...other people aren't as interested as you think they are...he sounds contrite and it's not like you've swept it under the carpet x
Good luck 🤞

You just need to take it slow OP. It's the children's father, but it would be horribly unsettling for them to have go through their parents separating for a second time if it had been the wrong call. The things that jump out to me are that this was instigated when you were drunk and that your DH doesn't seem to have the same concerns as you (risking being caught with sneaky kiss etc).

@UnbearableLoss I did tell him about how I was feeling when I was drunk but prior to this completely sober I had written him a letter saying the same thing but didn’t actually give it to him. Yes I think he needs to stop with the sneaky kisses I’ve told him no in front of the kids like that

I think it's relatively common for people to reconcile in a situation like this. It sounds like you have great potential for making this work. Sometimes it seems like there's a lot of pressure to dump someone and keep it permanent after a fling, but real life is more complicated. You might find this article interesting :

www.drpsychmom.com/2021/07/18/trying-again-with-a-partner-who-has-behaved-poorly-in-the-past-doesnt-make-you-a-sucker/

And this podcast on infidelity open.spotify.com/episode/4gd5ei794FH5gCAOqclgpF?si=wTMkej3cTe2iaideKGsD2w&utm_source=copy-link

I totally agree about separating a second time as I am sure that would be horrific for the kids.

I'm reconciled after a full on affair and long separation.

The worst thing I found about CHOOSING reconciliation is coming to terms with the shame you feel for acknowledging you want to give your marriage another chance. I was so caught up with what everyone else thought and my own opinions on whether I should give a cheat another chance, I couldn't think about what I WANTED!

I had to own the fact that being together made us both happier (and our children) than being apart and ultimately that was more important than anything else. We live that truth every day now, together.

Good luck whatever you choose to do!

Do you still love him?

I think after time apart you both could've moved on but haven't so clearly you both have a reconciliation in mind.

What about counselling to set the boundaries of getting back together

A one night stand is unimportant?! What a ridiculous thing to say, it’s not just sex, it’s the lying, it’s the risking your whole family for a cheap thrill, it’s if he’s risked OPs health at all in the process.

If you want to take him back, do, but I think some therapy together first is probably wise. Think seriously how you’d feel if you moved him back in and then he was having a big Christmas night out. Would you be sat there wondering what he’s up to? Can you trust him?

I think the worst thing he can do right now is move back in. Also the sneaky kisses are just wrong. It almost feels like he’s expecting to just waltz back in. You need to take it slow, if you want to reconcile then go on dates, have some counselling, he needs to take responsibility and work out why he did what he did. Not spend his time trying to kiss you. Why does he want to move back? Is it for the right reasons? Also if you split up again it’s a total mind fuck for the children and that’s not fair.

Who was the other woman? Is he still in contact with her?

Was he with his friends when it happened? If so, does he still mix with them?

Equally, did anyone know about it before you, eg friends and family? If so, does he still mix with them?

Did you find out or did he tell you? What was his attitude when it all came out?

He doesn’t sound particularly contrite to me, he sounds like he’s over the separation and now that he knows you are willing to reconcile, he wants his feet firmly back under the table Asap. I suspect that if he came back now, there would be a huge amount of pressure on you to STFU and develop amnesia.

Him trying it on in front of the kids when you have told him not to, shows a lack of respect that screams his wants are his priority.

I would personally insist on counselling before even considering this. Again he doesn’t sound contrite, he sounds like he thinks ‘he’s served his time’ and ‘you had your moment of importance’, it’s time you got over it.

So, it’s a no from me and I would want to see a lot more understanding from him of what his behaviour did to you and the children.

Completely agree.

If having sex with someone other than his spouse is "unimportant" then why wouldn't he keep doing it?

Disrespect is not the foundation for a healthy marriage. The fact that he keeps trying to kiss you when he knows you don't want it is unacceptable.

My concern for this would be firstly how can you be sure he won’t do it again, what is different now.
and secondly I think he’s being a bit selfish and disrespectful trying to get a kiss and talking about moving back in already.

he was a selfish, and broke your heart and risked his entire family for a shag. As a consequence he moved out 18 months ago, and presumably since then you’ve done most of the childcare? Are you paying most of the bills too? Does he pay for half of what the kids need in food, clothes, household things etc or has that fallen to you too?
and now he thinks he can just come back and crack on like it never happened.
its even worse that he’s confusing his kids by showing them you may be back together and putting that pressure on you that now your kids have hope. Again that just shows that just like when he was off shagging someone else, he is just thinking about himself and not you and the kids. The stress you’ll feel, how destabilising and confusing this is for them. He just wants what he wants.

If you want to get back together you need to take it slowly, date, go to counselling, be really sure before he moves back in. And that isn’t the end of the work he has to do then. I suspect he may get angry though when he finds out he can’t just slot back in and make you forget about it.

I think it's fine to realise that you want to get back together after a period of consideration and a LOT of work in order to move forward together, f you both feel the same.

I don't think it's fine for him to get fed up of washing his own socks in his bachelor pad and realise that single life post infidelity is not quite what it's cracked up to be, and sly his feet back under your kitchen table.

he keeps trying to sneaky kiss me

This would be a major nope from me. Absolutely not. And instead of a date night I would be suggesting he book a weekly couples therapy session to ensure you are on the same page on more than a superficial level.

As pp have said, what has he done to show he is sorry? And what has changed now that you can be sure he won't do it again?

I didn't read through everything so sorry of you said but, whatcwere the circumstances if the cheating? Eg: a drunken one night stand after a mates stag do is maybe more forgivable than if he chatted to someone for a while first and planned to cheat. I mean, youd be mad to forgive the second one.

Secondly, he doesn't respect your boundaries it seems. He is already trying to kiss you (more than once) and that's absolutely not on.

It seems too much 'what can I do to brush this under the carpet because I'm lonely on my own'. And thar wouldn't be a good enough reason for me to take a cheat back. Especially when I seems he may still not be respecting you.

Why not just date a new man if you are lonely? Or make some new friends? You don't need to take him back.

People can make a bad mistake and then mend their ways.
Relationships can be rebuilt.
But I would insist on counselling together. To get to the bottom of what the hell he was doing and how can he be sure it would never happen again. To find out how much he wants to be part of the family, and how much is real live for you. To talk about how you can rebuild trust, or feel secure.

All this is more important than kissing or date nights.

I just couldn't.
It's your life however. I'd be massively on my guard.

There’s zero shame in trying to rebuild and reconcile after infidelity. But it needs to be done slowly and carefully, especially as you’ve been separated for so long. I’d definitely start with couples counselling - you need to address the affair, the vulnerabilities that led to it and how you can both rebuild trust and a healthy connection.

I agree that being lonely doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

What were the circumstances of the one night stand? Drunken sex with a woman he hadn't met before and hasn't seen since is a lot different to sex that happened with a woman he knows and is still in contact with. Do you know her? Did he lie to you, or did he tell you straight away? I know MN is very keen on LTB, but I think lots of marriages can recover from a one night stand.

I agree, set up some counselling together and work out what you both want from any reconciliation.

18 months is a long time the fact both of you haven’t moved on speaks volumes

good luck with that, he is a cheat who showed no remorse at the time and the minute you drunk message him he has plans to move back in as it will suit him financially i have no doubt and you can get back on with the grunt work. A grand gesture is the least of what should have been expected but he didnt even do that. Think of your bloody kids ...raise your bar and seek your attention from mates and perhaps date men that give a shit

Thanks for all your comments they are really helpful as I don’t feel I can speak to anyone in real life about it. Yes I feel is moving too fast and him moving back in will have to wait and suggest counselling first. If he isn’t agreeable then I know he isn’t really bothered

I guess lonely isn’t the right word, I haven’t met anyone else or had any inclination too. I have been ok on my own but don’t want to life the rest of my life without him although I know I am capable of doing so.

It was a drunken one night stand but he did speak to her after on a couple of occasions.

work needs to be done for the relationship but because there are kids involved we need to tread carefully and definitely no kissing etc when the kids are in the house which I have told him.