Taking him back after one night stand

[Cookieandcream2]

My dh had a one night stand last May. I asked him to leave and during that time he has been in a flat and he has seen the kids eow and one evening in the week. He is still very involved with them as they have clubs he helps with. We still talk throughout this period and to be honest I don’t really think about him sleeping with her anymore. Instead I feel more and more sad that we are no longer together, that our family is separated.

He says he is sorry which he has said all along although there was no grand gesture at the time. He has said all along he wants is to be together. I have been ok on my own with the kids but it is lonely at times.

I went out last week and got drunk and said I miss him and we spoke about getting back together . He wants to move back in soon. I do want that but I worry about what the kids will say (I think they will be happy) and my family and friends who have helped me through the last 18 months. What do I say to them?

He has been coming round a bit more to help with the kids clubs and he keeps trying to sneaky kiss me but I’m not ready for that until the kids know. We have planned a ‘date’ this week.

Does anyone have any stories of reconciliation 18 months after? I suppose my biggest fear is he moves back in and it all goes wrong and then it’s even worse for the kids. Even though I have been ok for 18 months I don’t want to live like this with a split family when we both haven’t met anyone else and clearly still love each other.

I wouldn't even consider reconciliation until I'd had at least one night stand myself. What's good for the goose and all that.

You might find that being with someone else, even for a short period, puts into perspective whether you want to stay with your H.

Your DC have coped with you and their Dad splitting up, and although it's not ideal, it's a new normal for them so I wouldn't get back with him for them, only if YOU really want to be with him. Of course he wants to go back to what's familiar and comfortable.

I couldn't as he's shown how little respect he has for you and your DC, risking all the pain and upheaval to you all for a night of illicit sex. Nah.

If you set boundaries and he doesn’t respect them you’ll know that actually his intentions aren’t the right ones. Tread carefully and it’s ok for you to lead how it goes forward. In fact, you should.

Counselling- for you, for him, and then together. That's something he needs to be willing to do to help you trust him again.

Unlike some posters, I think a one-night stand is a big deal. It's got to be terribly hurtful and even if you stick it in a box in the back of a closet somewhere, at some point the box will open and you'll have to process your feelings again. He really has no idea of how much he hurt you and the true damage its done. It would be better to have talk therapy now to help resolve things than to wait for it to rear it's ugly head 20 years down the road. In my case, all it took was a song lyric to open up all the angry, bitter sadness. And that was over "just a kiss" and a phone call.🙄 Don't wait until you're almost 60 to fully deal with this. Your dh will have more incentive to work with you now than after you've let him come back. And it sends a stronger message to your kids. If a person messes up they have to be willing to fix it.
Your friends and family may have more respect and less resentment if he really steps up.

(1) He trashed his marriage and family for a few minutes of new sexual access. Instead of immediately going NC with the OW, he continued to interact with her.

(2) He said sorry, but failed to show true remorse by making proactive efforts (IC, readings on infidelity, etc.) to be a safe partner.

(3) His self-serving entitlement is still present, as evidenced by his current riding roughshod over your boundaries.

@Cookieandcream2, I wouldn’t be kissing, dating, or even considering reconciling until he takes responsibility and definitively works on himself to restore your trust and safeguard his fidelity.

Don't even consider him moving back in yet. Continue to be dating, seeing him at a distance.

Kind of start over again like you first met. Something went wrong in him to cheat.

If there was issues between you please solve them first. Kids would be heartbroken if daddy was to come back and then move out again.

Take a step at a time.

I think you constantly wouldn't trust him too.

Keep it as it is for now.

I do think it can possibly work in this situation but my only concern here would be from your description at least he doesn’t sound contrite or like he’s done much to show you he is really sorry and regrets hurting you
I could well be wrong but I’d need to know he really understood the hurt he caused. Has he done much OP that makes you believe he really regrets hurting you ?

It seems like you are ready to reconcile.
It has to be on your terms.

It wasn’t a long term affair but a one night stand, I think this is important. Also well done to you for having that time apart and being on your own for a while.

Good luck OP!

He risked his family for the sake of a shag and he also spoke to her afterwards. Did he tell you or did you find out? How do you know she’s the only one?

He also hasn’t respected your boundaries and trying to get you back with kisses etc. and can you be sure he hasn’t been with anyone else during these 18 months? Will you be able to trust him?

It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly sorry to me.

I personally think that you’ve separated for 18 months so why not try dating? You’ve not had a chance to get out there and experience it.

Although no cheating in my case, my ex was controlling and jealous. We did have love and kids, but life with him was unpleasant and had to walk on eggshells. I dated a few guys after we split up, kept my standards super high and I’m now with a wonderful man.