Is he trying?

[Hamseven]

My husband and I have been going through a good patch for about 3-4 months. But going back to summer 2021 to spring 2022 we had a really horrible patch.
Basically he will go off on one at the slightest thing - dinner cooked wrong, given the wrong directions - anything. He will shut down and ignore me completely for 2-10 days. He won't go anywhere but will just not speak. He says he knows this is wrong and is trying not to but this weekend it's started again. It really upsets me. I try to take no notice but I get so cross and then snap at him or been him to speak to me which he completely ignores but I know it adds to the hours of silence.
We both have very busy jobs and work full time but I'm expected to make his breakfast lunch and dinner every day. He does help with some jobs around the house though.
I'm not perfect. I have no sex drive which he hates but didn't help me feel good about myself. But he does get a bj every night. And I'm very messy!
We have two kids. I'm just not sure I can keep being ignored. But when I get to tipping point things improve.

He sounds horrible OP, and even if he was amazing I would not be giving him a bj every night if I had no sex drive. You're a good woman, you deserve so much more.

On the topic of food not being cooked correctly, tell him to cook it himself. He is not your child.

Love and hugs, you can and deserve to be happy xxx

A long long time ago when God was just a girl, I had a husband who would “send me to Coventry” for days on end. It crucified me. Made me feel small & discarded.

Eventually I took legal advice & the solicitor told me it was “unreasonable behaviour” and I could divorce him for it so I did.
Take legal advice. You might want to do the same? Give yourself some freedom from his pathetic nonsense.

Ignoring you like this is emotionally manipulative behaviour and it’s very very controlling - he wants you to get wound up and shout at him, this is cathartic for him, it then extends the hours of silence because he’s getting what he wants from it. He is controlling and provoking you. Please put yourself first and stop playing his manipulative games. A bj every night - do you enjoy this? you say you don’t have a sex drive because he doesn’t make you feel wanted, so is this behaviour entirely about him? Does he make you feel guilty if you don’t do it? If so that’s another controlling / manipulative red flag.

consider putting your own needs first before this passive aggressive behaviour escalates. You’re not alone! X

Well that escalated quickly!

As the others have said, we need a bit more context but regardless, days of pouting is not right!

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It's also how he is choosing to behave - he's not been struck dumb.

You need to know that this is abuse.

2-10 days of martyrdom-torture!!!!!!!!!
A blow job every night?!?!?!??!?
Three meals a day, no questions asked!?!?!??!?!?!?

OP, I think it's time you discovered the joys of being single. I honestly don't think you'd ever miss all this shit.

Hope you aren't sucking his dick on the days he is ignoring you.

Imagine what your children are learning about how you should be treated from their father. You need to leave him before he fucks them up too.

My mum was in a very similar relationship with my dad. One of my clearest memories was of my dad screaming at her because she had cooked a meal he didn't like. I was 12 at the time and terrified of his temper. It really affected her and although he could be very loving, I was terrified of his temper.

It affected my mum really badly but neither me or my sister have good relationships and I think some of the reason was because of what we saw.

I don't want to get into whether the whole thing is abuse but the main question I have for you, is what do you want your kids to think is normal?

As soon as the silent treatment starts, you should stop doing anything for this awful man!

And definitely stop the BJs every night regardless of whether he's in the middle of one of his silent treatment sessions or not! How on earth did that even become a thing? Do you seriously give him a BJ every night?

To be honest, you should stop doing anything for this 'man' full stop. Your life will be far more pleasant without him in it.

Get off your knees and see the man child for what he is.

Also, it’s not helping around the house when it’s his home too.

I bet you’ll find someone else & like magic your sex drive will return.

Call women's aid this is abuse. Please get out of this.

You must be on egg shells all the time worried your do something wrong.. scared of his reaction.

The whole silent treatment must upset you.

He's abusive and controlling, using silence as a weapon.
He's perfectly able to cook for himself.
And daily BJ's? Wtf? Does he ever do anything to meet YOUR needs - emotional or sexual?
I'd rather never have sex again than be with someone like this.

Holy hell OP this is depressing. The pu**y knows before the heart and mind does, that’s why you have “no sex drive”. How have you not told him to just fuck off yet is beyond me.

You are in the “cycle of abuse” which is an actual thing.

This is tragic.

You’re being abused.

How can you mistake this for anything other than a foul dysfunction you need to end?

I wouldn't say I enjoy it but I don't mind. It keeps him happy. It doesn't happen if he's had drink or he's not in the mood or if he's in a strop. But after he's been in a strop for days and I go to do it he'll say he doesn't need it now he's gone this long without. It's like he wants me to persuade him to let me.

My stomach flips if he phones while I'm out. Worried I've done something wrong.

I can't leave. I literally couldn't afford the mortgage let alone bills without him even if he paid maintenance. Honestly. I've looked into it. Even if i moved out I couldn't afford anywhere. And I'm not eligible for any support. I just have huge debt from an operation that will take two years to pay off.

Also when is good it's really good. I do love him and the kids love him.

Sorry to say this but this is typical of abusive relationships

This is not a good man. He is abusing you. I can't believe you have to give him a BJ every night (unless HE doesn't want it - I'm guessing you don't get a choice??).

He sulks if he doesn't get what he wants. He chooses to punish you for having your own thoughts and feelings. He makes you unhappy.

Your children are seeing a terrible, truly terrible model of a relationship playing out in front of them. If your daughter as an adult lived with someone like him; if she felt to give someone a BJ every night, if she was ignored for days and weeks at a time, if she was yelled at for cooking the wrong thing, if she ran around after that man cooking and cleaning - what would you advise her to do?

Your children must be frightened of him. You are frightened of him. This is no way to live. Please leave him. Enjoy being single. It is so much better to be single than to be in a couple with someone who doesn't like or respect you. You might one day meet someone else and realise what a good relationship is (no coercion / mutually supportive and loving / share the workload equally / always respect / no yelling and berating and never any ignoring).

Please seek advice about where you would stand if you split. Remember you are married so any assets will be split between you. It is possible to leave even if you won't be as well off. You will still be happier.

You can leave trust me call women's aid. Or local women refuge.

You cannot live like this.

I've caused most of the problems. Years ago before we got married I cheated in him and no he had real trust issues. Understandably.

Like 20 years Ago though. We got married 12 years ago

This.

Your relationship is not normal op, and I think you will have to leave sooner or later for the sake of your dc and your own mental health.

Don't forget that in a divorce the starting point for splitting assets will be 50/50, and you may be able to stay in the family home if the children live with you. You won't be left with nothing - start looking into any benefits you might be entitled to and arrange an initial meeting with a good solicitor.

I know it's difficult - I've been there - but unfortunately life with a man like this isn't going to get any easier.

Best of luck 💐

And he is still punishing you for this.