Limerance

[Aussiekoalabear]

Not sure if I should post this in relationships or mental health. Read about limerance and think I may have this as I have wasted years of my life on someone who flirts but doesn't take it further.

If it is limerance it is my first experience of it. Anyone else have it? Can you have one case if it only or could it be something else? What causes it? X

Limerance is just the first stage of falling in love. The bit where you're all aflutter, they can do no wrong and your thoughts on them are as much about your projections of what you hope/believe they are than the reality.
Hopefully then the relationship deepens into real love as you get to know each other more, or, you might go off them as the reality doesn't match the early promise.
Some people don't like moving past limerance as it feels less exciting even though its actually more solid, so they chuck and find a new person as limerance fades.
Sometimes if you have someone who keeps you dangling and gives you just enough encouragement to keep you hanging, you might be in limerance but never get to know them well enough to move your feelings on into anything more serious.
If you're still in this stage with someone you've known a long time then they're probably playing you for a fool and wasting your time.

I think limerance is like unrequited love on steroids. A crush gone wrong.

People without limerant tendencies get over and move on from someone when the relationship ends or they know the other person isn’t interested or available, even though it takes time.

People with limerant tendencies carry that torch for years and years and years, sometimes to their grave.

You know it’s unhealthy. You know you should be able to stop and move on. But you can’t.

It’s like getting together and breaking up with the love of your life, over and over again, and all the turmoil and angst and highs and lows that brings. Except that's not happening, apart from in your head.

I’d go as far as to say it is a mental health condition and maybe needs to be treated as such with therapy/counselling?

Limerance to me is just falling in love with someone who does not love you.

Unrequited love.

I,ve never experienced it, probably because if someone has not shown sufficient attraction to me, I never reciprocated any feelings of attraction.

Sufficient feelings being, availablity on my part, their part, and the absolute knowledge that I came before others.
In other words not showing your hand too soon.

I've never pined over anyone, it seems such a waste of time if deep down you know the other person doesn't want you enough to be with you or follow you to the end of the earth.

I suspect I’ve been limerent, more than once. I always wondered why I have been felt almost obsessed about certain people and reading about limerance helps me understand my behaviours better. I think for me it may be related to or exacerbated by suspected ADHD.

That's a great decsription, DatingDinosaur. If you think it's an MH condition, isn't it a form of OCD?
And do you know of any stategy to try without going for therapy as such?

Yes OP I've had similar, I've managed to distance but I think unless I find a realgenuine partner, I' wont move on completely. I think people who get stuck are those who can't realistically meet a real good match - small dating pool due to age, type of work or place of livin, etc. Because how the hell do you move on if you are attracted to that person a lot while available/interested men you've met are few many and just don't do anything for you?

Some people / women in particular don't get strongly attracted to many men so if they meet one and he reciprocates a little, they get stuck as they think there is some hope. It's important to drum into yourself that men like to be flattered - it's dangerous to be trapped by someone who likes their ego stroked or who's being nice because he's sorry for you <shudder> ! They don't spell this out but if he's not acting on it, then sadly it's likely to be the case.

sorry for many typos 🙄

I struggled with limerance a lot in my dating days. It's overwhelming. You can't think of anyone else but the limerant object and can be really used and taken advantage of by them (whether consciously or subconsciously). I found no contact the best way of dealing with it. With true limerance you look back and think 'what on EARTH was I thinking!'

Just to add I had individual counselling to help me because I was wasting my life away!

Thanks for all your replies. It is my first experience of limerance (or unrequited love on steroids)! Although he has encouraged me. It is rare for me to be attracted to someone never mind it being this strong.

Sounds like NC or counselling is needed. It is tough.

I don't idolise my crush I see the faults. Is that limerance?

This video might help you decide if it's limerence:

Also speak about it on this channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/MariosG

Depends what the faults are I guess?

Doesn't really matter what it's called,it's not healthy if it's only one sided and making you miserable. Best bet is to go non contact.

@Ruralretreating The ADHD link is really interesting as I'm now wondering in my 50's if I have this. I also had OCD as a kid which causes me to obsess emotionally at times.

I found a Youtube channel called 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' (don't let the name put you off!) which first explained limerance to me.
The woman who runs the channel, Anna Runkle, links this with complex PTSD from childhood but I'm sure there are other causes.

Watching some of her videos put a name to what I'd experienced. It's so important to get out at the first sign of bread-crumbing or avoidant behaviour and to work on your self esteem. Saves a lot of heart-ache further down the road.

I experienced this about 5 years ago. Never had anything else like it.

There was a coworker who I'd worked with for a couple of years and although he was an attractive guy, I was in a happy long term relationship. Then put of nowhere, he directed a couple of mildly flirtatious comments towards me, and it was like something exploded in my brain. I was obsessed. I started imagining a life where I left my partner and we ran away together and fixated on opportunities to bump into him at work.

What helped in my scenario was that I was also aware that he flirted with many other women at work. I also managed to track him down on social media (despite him claiming he didn't use it) and found he also had a girlfriend. So clearly it was just a game to him that wasn't going anywhere. Really I knew he wasn't genuinely interested. To be honest though, I probably would have continued the infatuation despite this, but after a couple of months he announced he was leaving for a new job. So that was that. It truly was all in my head - I didn't even have his phone number! But I was completely manic for a few months - couldn't sleep, cleaning the house, signing up to new exercise classes - like having a crush on steroids.

After a few months I forgot about him, got on with my normal life thankful that I hadn't actually done anything crazy, now look back on it all with very mixed feelings. I think maybe my relationship was a bit stale at the time and it had been a while since an attractive man had given me that type of attention.

Why does it matter so much to you to name it? These are your feelings. If you don't want them, distract yourself from them. It's not an illness that needs a diagnosis in order that you can find a cure. This person is doing something for you that fills a gap you need to fill yourself. Work out what it is, and set about sorting this out.

You're not a victim of your feelings: you're responsible for them, and in charge of managing them. Everyone has unacceptable feelings from time to time. Adults manage them internally.

Thanks @Wizzywoo18 i might have a look, had a pretty normal childhood though. @watchkeys it’s not as straightforward as that, it’s not a normal set of feelings/neurological reactions. It’s like an addiction, and you wouldn’t say to an addict “just be normal like everyone else”.

No, @Ruralretreating , but I would say 'You need to take responsibility for yourself because you're an adult and nobody can do it for you.'

@Watchkeys Being an adult doesn't mean you don't mess up, make mistakes, take emotional dead-ends.

Yes of course we're all responsible for our actions, but we are also the end products of how we were parented, our varied life experiences, past relationships etc not to mention our own genetics and brain chemistry.

If only humans were always in charge of their feelings. Wouldn't life be so simple!

@Wizzywoo18

I didn't say that being an adult meant any of those things, so I'm not really sure what you're talking about.

I've had limerence and it was horrendous. The only time in my life I would say I had a MH problem. The constant intrusive thoughts were mental torture.

I'm so relieved after several difficult years it's petered out. Tried numerous strategies to deal with it, but the only one that finally worked was to go NC, which itself was tough because you're denying yourself the dopamine hit of contact, and the awful feeling of loss, the "what might have been".

When this all first happened to me I wondered what the heck was going on. Finding a name for it, researching and understanding it and all the websites offering advice and support was incredibly helpful.

Call it what you will: limerence, infatuation, a crush, an unrequited love affair. These things can cause havoc with your mind. And I'm sorry but telling yourself to take responsibility for yourself just doesn't cut it. I'm no fool, I'm a mature adult with a responsible job, but limerence or whatever you want to call it, knocked me for six for a long time.

@Watchkeys looking into a recognised psychological phenomenon and seeking to understand it and how it might affect you is taking responsibility for yourself 🙄

Great thread!

I recognise myself in these posts.

Unrequited love is natural, just one of those things that unfortunately happens.

Limerance, on the other hand, is idolizing someone to the point of virtually seeing them as a god. Thinking that being their wife or whatever would be heaven. People can have it towards each other if they have an affair.

I even had it reemerge/echo in myself many years later after watching the programme on Netflix, Sex/Life. It's taken me a year to get my head around again.

I didn't claim that it wasn't.