Page 3 | Meeting his 3 kids for the first time…help!

Motivationcuff · 2022-11-12T16:45:36+00:00

Hello, been in a relationship for 6 months and am due to meet his kids for the first time just before Christmas…ages 6,5 and 3. please can I have some advice? How do I introduce myself? Any stories or experiences welcome! thanks

Redwineandroses · 13/11/2022 18:07

The ex wife might have left him or had an affair. These things happen nowadays!

I agree though, he doesn't sound like he's been single long enough if he started dating the op when the youngest was 2 and a half. It's definitely too soon for him to be introducing his dc to a new partner. This is where it all goes wrong: doesn't stay single long enough to process the break up, especially when there's young kids involved, rushes to get into a serious relationship and introduces kids. It falls apart because you didn't spend enough time getting to know eachother first and don't get me started on "had a baby so they could have one to cement their love for eachother. " 🙄

theonlygirl · 13/11/2022 20:15

6,5 and 3. That is a lot of work. I am very uneasy that you're potentially getting sucked into childcare. Another pair of hands will definitely be helpful....
I would stand back for another 6 months to see how he parents, manages as a single parent, how he cares for the kids when he has them, what does he do with them in terms of activities, days out etc. His time with his kids should be about him building a bond with them, especially as they are still so little. And you still get your time with him alone to build your relationship. I don't know why you need to be part of their lives right now tbh.

But if you think you want to meet them, then definitely after Xmas. I find it really odd he wants to do this before Xmas tbh.

Fireflygal · 14/11/2022 10:15

@Motivationcuff Don't know of you are still reading. It may appear negative but it is based on experience of people from both sides of the fence, new girlfriend and ex wife.

A simple question - why does he want you to meet the children? Is it in their interests? Or does it suit the relationship and him more?

3 young children is really, really hard work. You are signing up to a difficult path in life. Your choice of course but please go into it with your eyes wide open

BlondeWaves · 14/11/2022 10:22

I find threads like this so disheartening as a lone parent to a young child. I hope people don't run away from me because my child is under 5 but I suppose they probably do!

baileys6904 · 14/11/2022 10:41

As someone that has their own child, now a stepmother to 3 more, and who's experience was actually really positive, wait.

Couple of reasons, from a selfish point of view, dating changes. Once the kids have been met, it's easier for the relationship to slip into functional rather than romantic. While you and the kids are seperate you make the effort into date nights, or couple time. When the kids are part of the mix it's easier to slip into TV nights or nipping to shop etc.

Secondly its a big deal for the kids. Not just the meeting, but if it doesn't work out. You might tend to stay longer in an unhealthy relationship because of the kids or have the guilt if you don't. They're in the middle a lot, even with the bets of intentions it's easy to tread on the other person's toes. Even when all the exes are on friendly terms, it's still awkward at birthdays etc and just being in the same room, if not for the adults, the kids are aware of the initial at least awkwardness.

6 months isn't a long relationship. Yes of course there are the dream couples that fell in love by date 1, married at date 5 and are still happy 40 years later. That's a rarety especially when meeting older with baggage. You don't just have to agree on similar thoughts or values but also parenting styles. I love my OH dearly, he is my world and every year that goes past is better but my god, if I'd been involved in his children there would be a difference ha ha. You have to balance the ' being involved enough and caring' with ' not being involved too much and overstepping'. Some things like toilet flushing and manners were a higher priority for me than OH so that took a bit of getting used to. But when the relationship is a it more time weathered and solid, it's mor 3likely to get through those tricky stages where everyone's trying to find their way.

Anyway, it can and does work and it can be brilliant. My son loves the extension to his family and vice versa, but it takes time

Fireflygal · 14/11/2022 10:46

@BlondeWaves I don't think it is the same situation. Single mums often priortise their children and aren't looking for a partner to take on childcare.

It's often not the same for men who move into new relationships really quickly and seek a girlfriend to help with childcare and household chores.

However I would avoid someone with 3 young children because I know how much work, money & sacrifices is involved. One child would be ok but 3 small children would be a hard no from me.

It would also limit the chances of having more children and being a step parent is tougher than being the biological parent.

Wf45dk · 14/11/2022 10:53

Wow, the judgement on here is unbelievable.

SaintVal · 14/11/2022 11:27

I think you should be a bit more cautious and wait another six months before meeting the children. Get to know him more before you take this big step. I really hope it all works out for you but I can't see what the rush is all about. Being a Dad to three small children is a huge job! If you're meant to be, waiting a bit longer shouldn't be an issue.

I'm a single Mum to DS7 and I wouldn't be introducing him to boyfriends of 6 months. But that's just me.

Theskyisfallingdown · 14/11/2022 16:36

I’m perfectly fine to be deemed ‘judgemental’ when it comes to peoples kids being prioritised as they should be. It’s very rare that a kid being made to meet their parents new boy/girlfriend is in their best interests, or centring the kid. I speak from experience, from my own childhood.

Redwineandroses · 14/11/2022 17:17

baileys6904 · 14/11/2022 10:41

As someone that has their own child, now a stepmother to 3 more, and who's experience was actually really positive, wait.

Couple of reasons, from a selfish point of view, dating changes. Once the kids have been met, it's easier for the relationship to slip into functional rather than romantic. While you and the kids are seperate you make the effort into date nights, or couple time. When the kids are part of the mix it's easier to slip into TV nights or nipping to shop etc.

Secondly its a big deal for the kids. Not just the meeting, but if it doesn't work out. You might tend to stay longer in an unhealthy relationship because of the kids or have the guilt if you don't. They're in the middle a lot, even with the bets of intentions it's easy to tread on the other person's toes. Even when all the exes are on friendly terms, it's still awkward at birthdays etc and just being in the same room, if not for the adults, the kids are aware of the initial at least awkwardness.

6 months isn't a long relationship. Yes of course there are the dream couples that fell in love by date 1, married at date 5 and are still happy 40 years later. That's a rarety especially when meeting older with baggage. You don't just have to agree on similar thoughts or values but also parenting styles. I love my OH dearly, he is my world and every year that goes past is better but my god, if I'd been involved in his children there would be a difference ha ha. You have to balance the ' being involved enough and caring' with ' not being involved too much and overstepping'. Some things like toilet flushing and manners were a higher priority for me than OH so that took a bit of getting used to. But when the relationship is a it more time weathered and solid, it's mor 3likely to get through those tricky stages where everyone's trying to find their way.

Anyway, it can and does work and it can be brilliant. My son loves the extension to his family and vice versa, but it takes time

Exactly this!

Op enjoy the dating time! The effort, the meals/dates out, the shagging! Don't rush into meeting his kids which can very quickly turn into the mundane routine of life with small kids.

There's absolutely no rush whatsoever!

vivaespanaole · 14/11/2022 17:27

Don't overthink it. You are 'just' dads friend and presumably aren't going to meet them again for another month or so. Id work on the basis one will love you, one will dislike you and one will be indifferent. And id say if you get that on the first day you hang out together thats a result.

Don't try too hard. See yourself as a fun aunt visiting. Dont stay too long 2-3 hours tops. So if any of them are struggling they can decompress with dad before bedtime etc or talk it out with him. Think short and sweet and leave them wanting more.

Take his lead. Just try to be gently low key helpful and help the afternoon go smoothly.

Its pretty hard to make a terrible impression with kids.