Meeting his 3 kids for the first time…help!

[Motivationcuff]

Hello,

been in a relationship for 6 months and am due to meet his kids for the first time just before Christmas…ages 6,5 and 3.

please can I have some advice? How do I introduce myself? Any stories or experiences welcome!

thanks

Do something low key fun. Don't go overboard to impress them. Be yourself. Listen to them. Don't force them to be chatty or involved if they don't want to be. Take everything at their speed. Be ready to pull back for a while if they are unbalanced by meeting you.

There are many people on here who think people shouldn't date until their children are teenagers and at least 5 years has passed since their last relationship. It is perfectly possible to have children and to date. And it's perfectly possible for the children and the new gf / bf to get along well, if it's managed properly and with the children's needs and feelings as the priority.

We have merged families and like pp, everyone gets on great. Children are adults now and get along like siblings. All good relationships including with ex's when we see them very occasionally. But we did take it very slowly at the start with DCs, very much at their pace at every turn.

Have you given any thought to why you are being introduced only six months into your relationship? Are you looking to please him by demonstrating how good you are with his DC? Do you see your future stretching before you providing free childcare ?

Would you like your own children at some point?

What is his relationship like with his ex? Does he have lots of good things to say about her? Do they have similar parenting styles. Do you share that parenting style ?

These are all questions I would like to think you have given careful thought to. I would not be introduced to someone's children as the new girlfriend just six months in.

I wish you all the best

Some very weird comments on here.

OP - 6 months is a very common length of time people wait before introducing their kids to a new partner.

Id take his lead on how to introduce yourself, has he spoken about you at all to them yet? If so how did he refer to you then, as his girlfriend, special friend, friend etc.

If he hasn’t spoken about you at all to them previously I’d suggest introducing yourself as daddy’s friend and go from there.

Meet somewhere neutral, and with an activity, kids those ages can be hard to meet ‘cold’ so would definitely go somewhere you can engage them in play, takes the pressure off everyone.

good luck!

This.

Strongly suggest you spend a couple of weeks reading through the misery of some of the step parenting section here.

Lots of young professional hard working women roped into to be a skivving aupair for a lazy waster who has turned on the charm, whose children "are his world" who he is an "amazing" dad to.

But, in reality couldn't make a relationship work with his wife bailed, because he was a lazy waster.

He's opted for shared custody to further get out of paying for his kids...and is now looking for the best paid, gormless idiot to take on the drudgery of rearing his children.

He will be inevitably be open to more children because this is the hook for the naive idiots that he is hoping to suck in to this nightmare.

Don't be that idiot.

You will bitterly regret being used as free childcare.

i think a 6 month relationship is way too soon to be meeting the children. Is he keen for you
to be introduced? Fast forward another 6 months & you’ll be doing school pick ups!

build the foundations of your relationship first without being thrown into step-mum.

Only meet if YOU want to, if he is pressuring you to meet them, say no I don't feel ready. I would prefer to wait at least one to two years, I would also worry he's trying to rope me into looking after them.

Agree with most of the other comments on here .. why is he so keen for you to meet them? Just carry on dating.

But please take some time to read the many threads on here about step parenting.

I think you should wait until you have been dating a year if you don’t go with that, wait until after Christmas x

I’d advise you to insist on waiting longer to meet his kids. They’re so little, it’s too soon. Men often want to rush this kind of stuff , nearly always for the wrong reasons . Honestly I’d hold off out of respect for the mother of his children. If he’s a good man he’ll appreciate your sensible reasons.

The majority of these comments are ridiculous. Single parents, men and women, are allowed to date again. I agree with the more level headed comments to catch up at the park, don’t expect much from them in the first few meets. It will be much easier than you think. Try not to work yourself up too much over it. Good luck 😃

I agree that OP should wait until after Xmas. However the comments assuming that the DP’s suggestion to meet the children at this stage is solely because he is after someone to care for the children is a typical prejudgment on the basis that because he’s a man then he must be lazy/incapable/uncommitted as a father. What has the OP said to suggest this? Such low expectations of men.

Err..6 months is no time and won't be nice for kids that age. WTF are you both thinking?

Don’t. It’s too soon. It’s confusing for the children.

Six months is fine, I went for six months when my my husband met my son who had just turned four. He had actually accidentally met him about two weeks before when I saw him at the park, so we had an accidental bump into each other.

For our official meet we went to a petting zoo so my son would have a usual day out etc, rather than the focus being on meeting my now husband. My son had remembered him from the park actually which was good. As we decided to do it on a trip out it also meant my husband could leave after an hour, we could continue at the farm so it was much less of a big deal. He did get screwed and ended up buying five bags of animal feed 🤣

You are asking for advice - mine is to not overplay the situation, he introduces you as a friend, you then do a child friendly activity which doesn't involve them interacting with you unless they ask you, eg the park if it's going well go to McDonald's or other child friendly fast food (emphasis on fast so it doesn't make it too long) keep the whole encounter relatively brief.

But before you do this, read the pitfalls of dating a parent, think it through - tons of posts on here with all the downsides

If you’re meeting them for the first time just before Christmas because he wants you to spend Christmas with them, I’d be very sceptical.

This is not about playing happy families and photos of you all together for SM. Introductions should be slow and well planned. What is his plan? Again, if he doesn’t have one that involves a very low key meeting in a neutral spot and doing an activity, 2 hours max then I’d be sceptical.

What has he told you about things they like, friends, activities, school etc that will help you chat to them? I’d aim yo be in the background while he takes charge of whatever he has planned for you all to do and make most of my comments about the activity. Don’t give them gifts or take photos. Arrive and leave separately from your boyfriend.

And yes I agree it’s got more chance of being symuccessful if it’s after Christmas when they are not so wound up bad over excited.

Ok, so you've reached the decision to meet them and believe this is the right time. So, a bit of practical advice.
Don't blaze in trying to play happy Families, just be a friend of dads and let that develop naturally over time. Don't try too hard to make them like you or to be the "fun" one. Kids can smell when you're false a mile off. So be natural, smile, take an interest in what they're doing but don't push them to interacting with you. Let them form a relationship as and when they're ready.
Keep the meeting short and don't monopolise them or your dp when they've come expecting time with their dad.
Don't compete with them for attention or try to be physically affectionate with your dp.
This may be a bit of a judgement call as you're meeting them before Christmas but don't bring them gifts/sweets/magazines every time you see them because it gets to be a hard habit to break.
Finally, do not be tempted to rush into taking on a "role" in their lives EG disciplining them, babysitting them, putting them to bed.
You may well find yourself as an unexpected mother of 3 with an absent partner (and back posting on here) if you do that.

Couple of points:
id suggest play park or a soft play. Soft play there is lots going on for the kids so meeting you is just an addition to that, not so formal or awkward.

I don’t think 6 months is too early; however I would suggest to be sure your partner has a good relationship with his ex. If it is difficult or nasty be aware that this will likely impact you and your relationship. I’d also make sure any money/divorce is all sorted. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and I love him deeply; but if I could go back in time I’d never have fallen in love with him. The stress of having his ex wife in our lives is monumental and I would not wish what we go through on anyone. Fingers crossed for you he has a good relationship and good luck with it. I love being a step mum and have a great relationship with my step kids and all our kids see each other as brothers and sisters (they never use the term half or step). It can be a great relationship

Too soon
leave it for a while
For their sake

My friend and her husband split up no long after she found out she was pregnant(they had been trying for a year or 2). Was nothing to do with the husband realising he didn’t want it or cheating or anything. Once my friend found out she was and it had sunk in properly it made her realise she wasn’t in love with her husband. She still loved him, but it was more like a best friend kind of love rather than spousal.

I haven't read all of the previous answers, just some, so forgive me if I'm repeating what anyone else has said.

As someone who's child has met DP's GF and it didn't go well, I would say to make sure your DP has spoken with his ex to let her know the kids will be meeting you. No, she doesn't automatically have a right to know but my ex introduced his GF to my DD in a very cloak and dagger way and it left DD feeling like she'd done something wrong. Had I known prior, I would have reassured DD that it was a positive thing and it was exciting to meet someone who makes daddy happy. I get that it's not always that amicable. I can't bear ex's GF but it would have been in the best interest of my DD and we'd all do anything to make our children feel happy and settled.

My DD insists that ex's GF isn't kind to her but ex doesn't speak to DD about this and try to smooth it over.

I can't speak as someone who has met postential step children but from a mother of the children perspective I would make sure their mum is aware and supportive of this. Maybe even meet her before?

Depends really - if your DP and his ex split long(er) ago, amicably co-parent, kids are all well adjusted and you've had a conversation about where your relationship is going...then maybe as PP said, a play date where you join them as Dad's friend. Maybe over Christmas, rather than just before?

Different story if your DP and his ex split just before you met, or if it's high conflict between them, or kids haven't adjusted.

I met my DPs kids at a wildlife park - we walked around, there were distractions for them, they didn't have to sit still, we had some food. We both arrived and left separately. We agreed no holding hands/kissing. I read somewhere - be like a cat, not a dog - i.e. don't be full energy, in their faces all the time! So that's what I did. By the time they got home they were asking Dad when they'd see his girlfriend again...they knew, little rascals! Years later I love them to bits.

I would avoid any situation where you meet them in your house, or their house. I also didn't meet their Mum beforehand, primarily because she wanted to 'vet' me. And that was a hard no from me!

Be careful. My soon to be exH has ended our marriage 17yrs on. Just one year into our marriage, his 15yr old daughter refused to see dad, so upset was she that dad had remarried. His two other kids remained close. Five years later she came back but it’s always been me walking on eggshells and buttoning my lip, to keep the peace.

We are now divorcing after a row in the summer.

I would just give it a lot of thought. I’m not saying don’t do it but, they’re so young, I’d give the relationship a while longer if I were you.

I think it’s too soon, maybe give it another six months before you meet his children.

You need to find out why they broke up. Most men wheel out the cliched she was a total bitch speel which is mostly nonsense.

Most women don't let a decent guy go when their children are very little. Why would they? It is just too much hassle. I would very very wary.