Continuing friendship after accusation of EA

[paranoidwife22]

I just want to guage opinion about this really because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

My husband has been having what I would call an emotional affair with the wife of a friend/work aquaintance who has kids a similar age. I called him out on it recently and he agreed that boundaries had been crossed (secrecy, dissembling, inappropriately intimate chats/messages etc but nothing physical). He was/is very remorseful.

I didn't feel I had the right to tell him not to have any contact with this woman any more, but kind of assumed he would back off of his own accord. While the contact has certainly lessened, I suspect they still message eachother. I haven't checked his phone (very tempted though!) but I did see a message pop up from her this morning.

I actually realise I'm unhappy with any kind of contact, however innocent. But would it be unreasonable of me to insist he cuts all contact? Or should he be able to maintain a platonic friendship with appropriate boundaries?

I'd love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

Of course it wouldn't! Tell him to stop all contact or you'll be calling time on your relationship. Why would you ever think it wouldn't be ok to ask for NC?

I think because I would like to believe that straight men and women can be friends. I still do think that, but in this case boundaries have already been crossed so it's difficult to see how a friendship could continue.

I know it's not unreasonable really. I just can't believe it's come to this. He's the last person anyone would suspect of letting this happen.

Tbh he has already failed you. You shouldn't have had to ask him to cut all contact, he should have just done so.

What makes you think you don't gave the right to tell him to cut contact with someone ge admits flirting with? Of course you do. And upon seeing that text you have the right to lose your shit at him.

I'd ask him to leave personally. You can't trust him. So it's over already really. Don't waste any more of your life with a man who clearly has no respect for you.

Be sure to tell the colleague what's been going on with his wife too. They deserve to know.

He didn't 'let it happen'. He actively pursued it.
And when caught, continued to do so.

He isn't a passive character.
No one forced him to try his luck with another woman.

He's a prick of the highest order.

Their contact can’t ever be ‘innocent’ ever again, the only reason he ‘stopped’ was because he got caught right? And he’s clearly not that remorseful and committed to you because he is still talking to her.

Why do you believe it wasn’t physical? And do you really think if they hadn’t have had the opportunity it wouldn’t have become physical?

Also, heads up, often these 'emotional affairs' involve them slagging off their current partner to the other woman. At best it's 'oh she just doesn't understand me oh boohoo poor me' and at worst it's 'but I can't leave her because she has really poor mental health/will threaten to kill herself'.

They have to justify why they are seeking attention and love from the new woman. They don't do this by making themselves out to be the rat that they are. They do it by ruining YOUR reputation.

I asked him if there had been any physical contact and he said there had been hugs but nothing else. I believe him because I have a good nose for bullshit. It's only gut feeling that led me to challenge him about this friendship in the first place. However he did admit that he might have wanted more to happen if they'd both been single.

I agree about him not being passive. I don't think he's taking anywhere near enough ownership of his behaviour over this.

Another hard conversation to be had this evening I think.

Your marriage can only survive if he stops all contact. Otherwise the affair is essentially ongoing.

Yes, I absolutely agree @crochetandacuppa and to all of you who've responded.

Thanks for being a virtual sounding board and giving me strength in my convictions.

Men and women can be friends, I agree with you OP. But that’s not what this is. So you don’t have to try to be be cool about it!

I can’t remember the title but there’s a book I’ve seen recommended on here about people around you as a couple being either being friends of your marriage/partnership - or not.

It also talks about the ‘walls’ of your relationship protecting a safe space for the couple - an affair, whether emotional or physical, puts you outside a ‘wall’ created by the affair.

That’s why he cannot continue the nature or privacy of the contact that put you outside the wall they created - if he wants to repair his primary relationship - it’s really that simple

I would certainly be expecting him to cut any contact what so ever immediately and be totally transparent with his phone, as in give you 100% access to it. He needs to block this woman as boundaries have been crossed. He should understand there are consequences for his actions so don't be a doormat as it needs nipping in the bud before things escalate. You need him to explain his behaviour and reasons for behaving so appallingly by betraying your trust.

Personally I would call this woman out on her behaviour directly, asking if her husband knows about the EA.

Please don't give him an easy ride over this if you want to save your relationship.

I'd be tempted to contact her, and tell her it's time to pack it in now.

Men and women can be friends sure, but once that line has been crossed (emotionally or physically) then the friendship is over and it’s moved into other territory.

It is 100% inappropriate for him to stay in any kind of contact with this woman.

I'd be really interested in reading that book @OrlaCarmichael if you can remember the title. What you describe makes perfect sense.

I suppose I'm even more disappointed that he didn't cut all ties himself immediately. It's what I would've done in his position.

Our kids have become really friendly, which is shit for them as collateral damage, but that really isn't my responsibility. I'm not sure what her husband thinks about all this. Maybe she's been open with him all along and it's just one sided from my husband.

I think the book the PP mentioned might be Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Your DH acknowledges that he crossed boundaries that he shouldn't. If he wants to repair the damage, he has to step away. It's totally OK for you to say no more cosy one-on-one chats. They should only be communicating if you and he as a couple happen to bump into the others.

Men and women can of course be friends. This wasn't friendship. If he won't centre your marriage immediately by cutting contact then that speaks volumes about his commitment to you.

Hi OP I’ve found the book:

‘’’Not Just Friends:
Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity’’

by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

The specific section I was referring to is called the ‘Windows and Walls of Affair Relationships’

Brilliant - thanks both.

I'll have a read.

Absolutely read 'not just friends', he can not and should not have contact with this woman.

I'm afraid I'd also question how remorseful he is IF he believes it's ok to maintain contact.

I'd be really careful as well, cheats (emotional infidelity is often just the start) are slippery eels and will take things underground if they can. Transparency is key.

They are playing you for a fool. And by trying to be the "cool wife" you are playing right into their hands. I would be v v surprised if anything had changed between them- they might have cooled it when you initially found out but I suspect they are right back where they started.
You need to find your anger- I can't understand what type of dynamics exists between you and your husband where you could not ask him to cut contact after discovering their affair and yes this is one !
It would be ultimatum time from me personally.. if nothing but to get your self respect back.

I had similar happen with my husband although different circumstances - he was in contact with a married woman he'd had a physical affair with (pre meeting me) texting her constantly. I knew they were friends - he neglected to mention he'd shagged her and I only found this out later although he initially denied it. They were always texting but she was the only friend of his who never tried to become friends with me. My husband is on the autism spectrum and it was extremely difficult to get through to him about how wrong it was. He assumed that because they were no longer involved that way and she lived overseas that it was fine to be friends. But she was going behind her husband's back too and he was also complaining about me to her. She was very manipulative and I believe she was using my husband to make up for something missing in her own relationship. She even tried messaging me when he stopped speaking to her for a while, I ignored her.

It took a lot to get him to see why it was wrong, therapy etc before he eventually dropped her, I nearly dumped him because of it and part of me wishes I had because I was so stressed out.

We're separating now although she's not the reason but your husband should absolutely not maintain contact with this woman. He needs to know what he stands to lose.

Ahh OP, you've been so reasonable but they've taken the piss. It was great that you expected him to sort it himself but he hasn't. A big talk needed.

If your partner ever puts you in a position whereby you feel like you're having to fight for them or the marriage, then it's not worth fighting for.

'And by trying to be the "cool wife" you are playing right into their hands.'

Argh, I wish I hadn't learnt this lesson but this is so utterly true. @workshy46 is spot on.

I was the cool wife, never again!

Similar here. It took me a while to get my head round it. I couldn’t forgive. He had lied for a long time about it. In the end it was the lack of trust/respect for me. Amongst other things going on. My dh said he was sorry etc but he wasn’t showing me that. Also told me he had cut contact when he hadn’t. You shouldn't have to ask him to stop contacting. He needs to think about you. Think about what you need. Counselling helped me. We tried counselling together as well but that just showed me how toxic he was being.