Continuing friendship after accusation of EA

[paranoidwife22]

I just want to guage opinion about this really because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

My husband has been having what I would call an emotional affair with the wife of a friend/work aquaintance who has kids a similar age. I called him out on it recently and he agreed that boundaries had been crossed (secrecy, dissembling, inappropriately intimate chats/messages etc but nothing physical). He was/is very remorseful.

I didn't feel I had the right to tell him not to have any contact with this woman any more, but kind of assumed he would back off of his own accord. While the contact has certainly lessened, I suspect they still message eachother. I haven't checked his phone (very tempted though!) but I did see a message pop up from her this morning.

I actually realise I'm unhappy with any kind of contact, however innocent. But would it be unreasonable of me to insist he cuts all contact? Or should he be able to maintain a platonic friendship with appropriate boundaries?

I'd love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

Yes, I totally hear you all about the 'cool wife'.

Thanks for everyone's contributions. I'm in the thick of tea time and then bedtime, so apologies for lack of response. I'm reading and digesting it all and it's really useful.

I've already told him we need another talk about it this evening. Time to feel my anger.

I'd say to him that you'd hoped he'd do the right thing and back off from her completely under his own steam but unfortunately that hasn't happened so he needs to now decide where his priorities lie, you or her. If his priority is you then he needs to understand that his behaviour has really hurt you and to stop continuing that by cutting all contact with her.

The problem you have OP is that he hasn't chosen to do this himself and by giving him an ultimatum he might lie and still secretly continue to contact her. It's not a fun place to be OP, I'm so sorry.

Once two people have crossed that friendship boundary it’s very difficult (and rare) to go back to being just platonic friends.

I have been there.

Agree that Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is an excellent suggestion for you both to read.

@paranoidwife22, it sounds like you’ve been in a false reconciliation.

Your H is still ‘in infidelity.’ Any reputable relationship counselor would advise that your marriage cannot recover and you cannot heal as long as he maintains contact with his affair partner. If he were truly remorseful, he would have cut off OW immediately. That he is attempting too extend their frisson and intimacy by relabeling it as ‘friendship’ speaks volumes.

Besides going NC, standard affair recovery requirements include:
*Accepting full responsibility for his infidelity
*Providing the full story (which you likely don’t have)
*Providing open access to all devices, passwords and statements
*Answering all questions whenever needed
*Examining his flawed traits that enabled him to pursue illicit validation/cheat (via IC, articles on infidelity and restoration of trust, websites like survivinginfidelity.com, etc.)

As for their physical involvement, cheaters are liars. As they are clearly still involved and invested, I would assume that he hasn’t come clean about everything. Even if limited to hugs, I would consider lingering ‘body hugs’ a physical transgression.

@paranoidwife22, this is callous disregard. If he truly valued your marriage and was worried about losing you, he’d have totally given up OW. I’d be showing him the door while you consider your options.

I know someone in a very similar situation but with a work colleague. He confessed, moved jobs, blocked her on all SC and the had couples councilling. Things are getting better, thats what he should be doing.
Your DH can never be friends or in touch with her again.