This is why I don’t bother. This is why I went NC and will be going back again to that

[Thisiswhyidontbother]

I need to vent. I’m so so sick of being manipulated

Been NC with narc dm for a while but she asks and asks to see ds. Messages get through from various people and I’d ignored but recently ds has been saying he misses her so I relented. I thought I’ll be firm about boundaries and she agreed to everything but I think that was just to get it in place . She’s meant to be seeing him tomorrow and it’s started - changing the plans and being difficult and I want to say fuck it cancel it .

I don’t drive and she does so I’d said ‘you can collect him at x time’ she’s now complaining about that and wants him dropped to her. She had said she was taking him for lunch, now she wants me to send a packed lunch or the money for his lunch?? She had said it was ‘her treat’ now she’s saying that she will add up what she spends so I can pay her back (she’s not short of money- we are!!). She keeps changing times and I can tell this is going to be used somehow to sabotage my day as I’ve planned to get stuff done as will be child free and I’d made the mistake of saying dh and I are taking the dog out for a walk somewhere further than usual as we can’t walk that far when we have ds with us and she’s clearly irritated by that ?? That I’ll get to do something I enjoy and have a break but I didn’t ask her to babysit she’s been begging to see ds

🤯

I'd go right back to no contact and never lapse again. She will never change, op. You gave her a foot in and she's right back to her bullshit and manipulation.

It's all about control and manipulation for these people.

I could have written this about my mum. Made hardly any effort to see my son and when she did she constantly changed the time/date. The last time she saw him over a year ago she hadn't seen him for a year and I was waiting for her at a local cafe for over an hour. Eventually got through to her and she said she was picking up some second hand furniture for my brother, the golden child.

I got sick and tired of it. I think she was like this all my life, making me the bottom of the pile. But the real anger set in when she was doing it to my son. Been no contact for a year now. Honestly, it has given me so much peace.

Oh what a nasty mum you have. Tell her she cant see your DS and tell Ds he cant see her then take him out somewhere nice and dont bother to have anything to do with her again. Well thats what I would do.

How old is your DS? I'd tell her it's cancelled and go NC again. Your poor DS, she obviously doesn't really want to see him, just wants to show you she's (or thinks she is) boss.

Forgive yourself for thinking things would be different op. I was nc for 10 years.. Let her back.. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Muddled on for 18 months. Went nc again. Been 10 years again. Won't be changing that ever. Dc haven't seen her for the 10 years either. Age dependant tell your dc sometimes people aren't who we think. And he needs to be kept safe.

I think you are right about her intentions. I would suggest you text back along the lines of ‘no we are keeping to original agreement, but you can cancel if you want”

I think you were being too optimistic to make plans for the day without your child, but you probably realise that now. Keep those boundaries firm, she’s obviously testing them. For the sake of your child, let her be the one to cancel if you can bear it. Try and reframe this experience that instead of her winding you up, this is the beginning of the new you and you are teaching her how she’s going to have to behave in future.

Shes a right ‘mare. I guess I was lucky in the sense my mother had no interest in my child, so I never had to go through this.

If you still want to give her a chance, then I would suggest that you arrange to meet at a neutral place like a soft play. Say that you and your dc will be there at this time and she is welcome to come. If she comes she comes.

He’s 10. He always got on fine with her to be honest she was a horrific mother but seemed to be much better as a grandparent but the level of manipulation was always huge. I wouldn’t have arranged it but he’s been asking to see her and I didn’t want to prevent him but now I feel like she just uses any situation she can

Nope. Back to NC.

Ime bad dm's make for similar dgps. Their MO is just different with a dc... Give her time.
Better still don't.

My judgement is so clouded as I dot wmat to repeat her mistakes as she stopped me seeing everyone even when I wanted to, even my dad ! So I feel ds wants to see her I should allow him but I’m torn as also want to protect him as will she use him and that’s bad for him
I just want to cry I feel so confused the mind games are immense

Wmat- want
typing too fast 😅

She sounds dreadful and doesn't deserve to see him or have a relationship with him. I'd cancel and have a lovely day as a family. He doesn't need her in his life.

Don’t make a ten year old responsible for understanding how nasty and manipulative people can be even when they are your grandparent and claim to love you. Put his interests first and don’t invite this horrible woman into his life when she shows with every contact that she will hurt him.

I would cancel. And explain to your DS why. He’s old enough to understand. We are NC with DH’s mum and when the DC ask about her we just say we don’t see her as she isn’t a very nice person. She doesn’t get to call the shots, if she desperately wanted to see him she would do it on your terms.

Cancel. She’s really manipulating you in a quite cruel way. Nobody who wants to see their gc would change arrangements and demand that the child is delivered to them and that their daughter pays them for food. That would have killed it for me - her saying “my treat”, which it should be, then saying you had to pay. There’s no reason on earth to do that other than cruelty to you.

Kids don’t suffer from not having horrible people in their lives. Mine didn’t. They understood that the person wasn’t nice and that it was best for us not to see them.

The focus on protecting him from from her behaviour.

Cancel, tell DS "sorry but DGM's plans have changed but we can do X instead". Don't make excuses for her but make it clear that this is something she does with everyone, nothing to do with him.

Don't set up another occasion.

Sometimes children can’t have what they want as it’s harmful. That sounds like the situation here. He loves and misses her, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow him to go into a toxic situation. Showing him clear boundaries now, and explaining in an age appropriate way why you are enforcing him is the best thing . Both in terms of protecting him now, and allowing him to make good decisions going forward.

She’s already back in your head and fucking with it and that’s not good for you or him. Do the right thing now for you both.

It’s such a huge realisation how bad this has made me feel. I knew it was too good to be true initially and she’s had time to think and thought ‘how can I now make this difficult’ which she is and it’s just the manipulative behaviour. I’ve made a mistake I think I’ll have to sort it out

I’d Vance it right now. You know it’ll be nothing but a headache and stress not just for the day but for days afterwards too. This is her trying to push back in, if that happens you’ll find it even harder cutting contact next time. If you really don’t want this stress and upset then cancel, cut contact and live your life free of her

Vance it = cancel it

Cancel or

'Dm, all these changes are too much. You originally stated :you were picking him up at x, it was your treat (don't send him back with a bill), you were bringing him back at x. If that's no longer good for you, let me know and we'll cancel as I won't have ds upset by this'

You wanted to think she could do better but what’s she’s doing shows she can’t.

Your options are telling her the changes she wants don’t suit you and she can stick to the plan or cancel. Or taking the initiative and cancel yourself.

You can tell your son the truth or an age appropriate version of it anyway.

I can read how upset you are and I’m not surprised. If anything this vindicates your original choice to go NC and you can go back to that knowing it’s definitely the right choice.

This is a good message. If you want to give her another chance (I don’t think you have to).

I would not cancel it, that just gives here ammunition to say how terrible you are, and as soon as she gets the chance, she will tell DS that evil mummy wouldn't let her see him.
Let her cancel if she wants to.

But just keep saying 'no' to demands: no, you won't drop him off, no, you won't pay, no, you won't change the date as you have plans on other days. If she starts trying to change the time, and then change it back again, etc, just say 'we are in all day, pick him up anytime' - give her no leverage, no grip on you that she can use to pull and tug and twist.

Expect her to arrive late, or not arrive at all. Expect messages and attempts to disrupt you. Don't expect to be able to go out or make your own plans - you will have a day at home, and she may or may not turn up. Have a standby cold lunch ready as you can't be sure if she will take DS before or after lunch.

Next time, don't tell DS in advance, then if his gran does turn up it is a nice surprise, rather than him being disappointed if she fails to show up.